AMERICAN  Cd 


iCHESTER  ALLEN  SMITH 


THE 
AMERICAN   COMEDY 


BY 

CHESTER  ALLEN  SMITH 


RICHARD   G.    BADGER 
©f)e  #or|)am  tresis; 

BOSTON 


Copyright,  1913,  by  Richard  G.  Badger 
All  Rights  Reserved 


Th£  Gorham  Priss,  Boston,  U.  S.  A. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 


JK 

0(0" 


112216e 


THE 
AMERICAN  COMEDY 

CHAPTER  I 

SKY  VIEW  is  a  typical  American  village. 
It  is  built  along  Main  Street,  which  begins 
down  by  the  river  and  finally  loses  itself  in  a 
country  highway  over  the  hill.  There  are 
other  streets,  but  they  are  litde  more  than 
lanes  or  byways,  while  Main  Street  boasts  a 
sidewalk  and  is  curbed  and  guttered.  It  is 
the  center  of  the  business  and  social  life  of  the 
town.  Here  is  the  village  bank,  a  potent  force 
in  village  affairs,  even  if  it  is  housed  in  a  one- 
story  frame  structure  which  looks  ready  to  tum- 
ble down.  Here  is  the  doctor's  office  and  the 
blacksmith's  shop;  the  village  hotel,  a  ram- 
shackle old  building  which  seldom  houses  a 
guest;  the  editor's  office,  a  sacred  place  in  the 

7 


8         THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

eyes  of  the  village  folk,  where  in  dull  hours 
of  the  day  a  few  worthies  who  belong  to  the 
inner  circle  play  dominoes  and  discuss  the 
latest  news.  Here  is  the  Post  Office,  a  busy 
place  when  each  mail  arrives.  On  one  side 
of  the  Post  Office  is  a  butcher's  shop  and  on  the 
other  side  is  a  lawyer's  office;  while  here  and 
there  on  either  side  of  the  street  are  the  grocery 
stores,  not  like  the  grocery  stores  of  the  large 
town  or  city,  which  are  only  out  for  business, 
but  rather  headquarters  for  the  men  of  the 
place,  who  meet  there  evenings  to  exchange 
the  latest  gossip  and  to  discuss  the  topics  of  the 
day. 

Sky  View  is  the  metropolis  of  Poquogg 
County,  Poquogg  County  is  so  rough,  so  full 
of  rocks,  with  mountains  and  hills  and  lakes 
all  jumbled  together  in  such  hopeless  confusion, 
that  it  is  considered  by  local  wiseacres  to  have 
been  the  last  part  of  the  earth  that  was  made. 
The  wonder  is  that  there  Is  any  room  within 
its  confines  for  farms  or  fields  or  even  roads. 
Its  people  have  long  been  famous  among  the 
neighboring    counties    as    horse    jockeys,    ped- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY  9 

dlers,  charcoal  burners  and  auctioneers,  but 
their  lasting  fame  will  rest  upon  their  devotion 
to  Politics.  Politics  is  their  ruling  passion. 
Any  Poquogg  County  farmer  will  leave  his 
haying  to  go  to  a  political  meeting.  To  take 
no  interest  in  Politics  is  a  disgrace.  To  neg- 
lect to  vote  is  to  invite  social  ostracism. 

The  county  has  played  an  important  part  in 
the  Politics  of  the  country.  Her  political 
leaders  have  held  high  places  in  the  national 
councils  of  their  Parties.  Her  favorite  sons 
have  won  honor  in  the  Legislature  of  the 
State,  in  the  Congress  of  the  Nation,  and  one 
served  with  distinction  as  Governor  and  later 
entered  national  Politics  as  a  member  of  the 
Cabinet. 

In  Sky  View,  Poquogg  County's  outlet  on  the 
river,  and  which  in  all  things  political  reflects 
the  spirit  of  the  county,  Nathaniel  Whittleback 
began  his  career.  He  came  of  Yankee  and 
Dutch  parentage.  His  father  when  a  youth 
left  the  Whittleback  homestead  in  Connecticut 
for  the  West,  but  got  no  farther  than  Sky  View. 
Here  he  fell  in  love  with  the  only  daughter  of 


10       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

old  Peter  Vanderwert,  tavern-keeper  and  river- 
man.  After  their  marriage  he  became  a  pros- 
perous wood  dealer,  went  into  Politics,  held  suc- 
cessively the  offices  of  Justice  of  the  Peace, 
Sheriff,  and  County  Clerk,  and  met  an  untimely 
death  by  parading  in  the  rain  to  celebrate  a 
victory  of  his  Party  at  a  national  election. 
Meeting  his  death  in  this  way  he  was  regarded 
as  a  martyr  to  Politics,  and  was  forever  held  in 
high  esteem  by  all  the  people  of  the  county. 

Young  Whittleback  seemed  to  inherit  few  of 
his  father's  traits  of  character,  taking  more 
after  his  Dutch  ancestry,  and  while  in  later 
years,  when  he  had  become  famous,  some  old 
residents  discovered  that  he  had  been  remark- 
able even  as  a  child,  the  truth  is  that  his  boy- 
hood was  not  unlike  that  of  the  average  boy 
of  a  country  town.  He  graduated  from  the 
village  school,  made  the  usual  sight-seeing  ex- 
cursions to  neighboring  cities,  went  into  the 
wood  business  with  his  father,  and  gave  no 
promise  of  ever  rising  above  the  level  of  an 
ordinary  country  merchant.  Upon  his  father's 
death  he  found  himself  in  possession  of  a  com- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        ii 

fortable  fortune,  which  was  augmented  on  the 
death  of  his  mother  by  the  legacy  which  he 
received  from  the  Vanderwert  estate. 

In  build  he  was  not  unlike  his  Yankee  for- 
bears, tall  and  angular;  but  all  his  movements 
were  made  with  slowness  and  deliberation. 
This  would  have  given  him  an  appearance  of 
age  had  it  not  been  counteracted  by  his  round, 
smooth  face,  an  inheritance  from  his  Dutch 
ancestors,  from  whom  he  had  also  inherited  an 
amiable  disposition  and  a  habit  of  taking  things 
as  they  came.  Although  at  the  entrance  to 
middle  life,  he  was  still  unmarried,  a  condition 
of  affairs  for  which  we  must  confess  our  in- 
ability to  offer  a  convincing  excuse.  Being  in 
comfortable  circumstances  financially,  he  was 
disposed  to  take  the  world  very  easy.  He  was 
not  actively  interested  in  Politics.  This  caused 
him  to  be  regarded  as  unique,  but  was  not  in 
his  case  taken  as  a  fault.  Indeed,  instead  of 
lessening  his  popularity,  it  gave  him  an  added 
distinction  as  a  man  who  dared  to  be,  or  who 
was,  at  any  rate,  different  from  the  other  citi- 
zens of  the  community. 


12       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

With  this  brief  introduction  we  present  him 
to  the  mercy  of  our  indulgent  readers,  merely 
asking  that,  like  all  honest  jurors,  they  with- 
hold their  judgment  until  the  record  of  his 
deeds  is  finally  submitted  to  them. 


CHAPTER  II 

AS  you  walked  up  Main  Street  in  Sky  View 
you  saw  just  beyond  the  Post  Office  a 
building  which  attracted  attention  by  the  large 
black  letters  painted  across  Its  front:  THE 
SKY  VIEW  HOME  CLUB.  It  was  the  home  of 
the  Club's  dozen  members,  with  its  own  stew- 
ard and  its  own  cook,  who  boasted  he  could 
cook  the  best  meal  in  the  county,  and  where 
it  was  worth  one's  while  to  live.  The  mem- 
bership was  restricted  to  twelve,  and  there 
was  always  a  large  waiting  list,  for  the  Club 
played  an  important  part  in  village  affairs  and 
had  a  famous  cellar,  as  well,  and  its  "  Hall  " 
with  its  great  fireplace  where  the  members 
gathered  evenings  was  the  dream  of  every  un- 
married man  in  Sky  View,  and  of  some  married 
ones  for  that  matter. 

A  score  or  so  of  years  before  this  history 
begins   a   number   of   gentlemen   who   had   no 
13 


14       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

homes  and  who  had  grown  weary  of  leaving 
the  village  hotel  for  the  boarding  houses,  only 
to  return  to  the  hotel  again,  in  the  hope  of  im- 
proving their  condition,  and  as  a  protest  against 
hotels  and  boarding  houses  in  general  and 
those  of  Sky  View  in  particular,  determined  to 
build  a  home  of  their  own  where  they  would  be 
untroubled  by  inquisitive  landladies  or  obtru- 
sive chambermaids. 

No  sooner  had  their  determination  got 
abroad  than  it  raised  a  storm  of  protest,  not 
only  from  the  unattached  females  of  the  com- 
munity, but  from  those  matrons  who  ruled  over 
the  destinies  of  homes.  The  Sewing  Circle 
held  several  sessions  to  consider  the  matter, 
and  even  went  so  far  as  to  insert  a  protest  in 
The  Clarion.  If  the  male  world  should  evolve 
such  a  scheme  of  life  as  this  and  carry  it  out, 
they  declared,  women  must  take  a  back  seat. 

But  the  men  persisted:  They  rented  a 
large  but  somewhat  dilapidated  building  on 
Main  Street,  made  extensive  improvements,  and 
on  the  day  of  the  formal  opening  of  their  home 
effectually  overcame  all  opposition  to  their  plan 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        15 

by  giving  a  reception  to  the  women  of  the 
village.  Men  who  would  invite  women  to 
their  home  and  treat  them  to  such  bountiful 
refreshments  could  not  be  so  bad  after  all,  and 
as  only  twelve  could  belong  to  the  Club  any 
way,  they  surely  could  not  undermine  the  foun- 
dations of  society. 

So  all  opposition  melted  away,  and  the  Sky 
View  Home  Club  now  numbered  some  of  the 
leading  men  of  the  village  among  its  members: 
Here  lived  Hon.  Henrick  Scouten,  Postmaster 
and  Republican  leader  of  the  county;  Jerome 
Alexander  Tubbmann,  Sky  View's  leading  at- 
torney; the  president,  Solomon  Costaine,  a  rich 
old  bachelor,  who  had  continued  to  live  a  bach- 
elor in  spite  of  all  the  wiles  of  all  the  design- 
ing females  of  the  township;  Mr.  Dusenbury, 
who  was  regarded  with  great  awe  because  of 
his  learning;  and  Joshua  Harbin,  one  of  Sky 
View's  leading  merchants,  who  held  mortgages 
on  more  places  than  you  could  count;  —  men 
who  will  play  no  small  part  in  this  history,  and 
with  whom  Mr.  Whittleback,  who  later  be- 
came a  member  of  the  Club,  thought  it  an  honor 
to  associate. 


CHAPTER  III 

MRS.  BUSH  always  maintained  that  but 
for  her  the  "  reform  movement  "  never 
would  have  begun  and  Mr.  Whittleback  never 
would  have  become  famous. 

Mrs.  Bush  was  a  widow  who  kept  a  small 
confectionery   store    opposite   the    Post   Office. 
She   was   tall   and   slim   and   wore    spectacles. 
Because    she    was    near    sighted    and    slightly 
stooped  she  gave  you  the  impression  of  being 
always  on  the  lookout  to  discover  something. 
She  was  reputed  to  know  the  history  of  every 
inhabitant  of  the  village  and  her  store  was  the 
clearing  house  for  all  the  news  of  the  vicinity. 
Mrs.  Bush  had  two  grievances :     The  man- 
ner of  living  indulged  in  by  the  members  of 
the  Home  Club,  and  the  corruption  which  she 
claimed    existed    in    the    village    government. 
Coming  down  stairs  one  morning  and  finding 
that  her  store  had  been  broken  into  during  the 
16 


THE  AMI'IKICAN  COMEDY        17 

nij^ht,  she  decided  to  unburden  her  mind  to  Mr. 
I  larbin,  the  only  member  of  the  Club  with 
whom  she  had  any  acquaintance. 

*'  I  lave  you  got  your  interest  money  ready, 
Mrs.  Bush?"  Mr.  Harbin  inquired  as  soon  as 
she  opened  the  door  of  his  office. 

Mr.  Harbin  was  not  a  handsome  man.  He 
had  a  pinched,  drawn  face,  and  a  wolfish  eye, 
and  everybody  who  owed  him  money  was 
afraid  of  him.  Mrs.  Bush  did  not  regard  him 
as  particularly  eligible,  he  loved  money  too 
well;  nevertheless,  she  gave  him  her  choicest 
smile  and  asked  him  how  he  was. 

"  Times  are  hard,  Mrs.  Bush.  It's  a  hard 
world  anyway.  The  world  has  gone  mad  in 
a  great  rush  for  money  and  if  a  man  is  to 
keep  up  with  the  world  he  has  to  be  going, 
going,  going,  all  the  time." 

*'  You're  always  complaining,  Mr.  Harbin. 
But  I've  come  down  this  morning  to  make  a 
complaint  myself." 

A  complaint!  In  the  name  of  all  the  money 
in  the  world  for  what  could  Mrs.  Bush  com- 
plain   about    Joshua    Harbin?     He    went    to 


1 8       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

church  every  Sunday  and  read  his  Bible  every 
day.     What  had  he  done? 

Then  Mrs.  Bush  told  him  what  had  hap- 
pened. 

And  furthermore,  she  continued,  she  was 
robbed  in  other  ways  than  that,  and  not  only 
she,  but  all  the  rest  of  the  people.  Money 
was  raised  to  clean  the  streets,  which  were 
never  cleaned.  Who  got  the  money?  Money 
was  raised  to  feed  the  prisoners  in  the  jail,  but 
there  were  never  any  prisoners  in  the  jail. 
Who  got  the  money?  Money  was  raised  for 
a  policeman  to  patrol  the  streets  nights.  Why 
didn't  he  do  it? 

When  she  paused  to  take  breath,  Mr.  Harbin 
aslved  why  she  complained  to  him.  Why  did 
she  not  complain  to  the  village  President  or  the 
Board  of  Trustees? 

Because,  she  said,  they  were  all  linked  in 
together.  Mr.  Harbin  knew  that  as  well  as 
she  did,  if  he  wasn't  too  busy  making  money  to 
think  of  it,  and  if  Mr.  Harbin  didn't  know  it, 
some  of  those  men  who  belonged  to  this  Home 
Club  knew  it,  and  she  had  made  up  her  mind 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       19 

to  complain  to  the  Club.  Everybody  was  say- 
ing what  a  great  Club  it  was  and  she  would  see 
what  it  would  do. 

She  then  asked  Mr.  Harbin  if  he  would 
report  her  complaint  to  the  Club. 

Mr.  Harbin  said  he  would,  but  he  could  not 
say  it  would  result  in  any  good.  He  was  him- 
self so  busy  he  could  not  attend  to  such  matters, 
and  he  supposed  every  other  member  was  in 
like  position. 

"  And  you  might  tell  'em,  too,"  Mrs.  Bush 
said  as  she  turned  to  go,  "  that  letting  the 
Public's  affairs  take  care  of  themselves  isn't  any 
more  than  is  to  be  expected  from  men  who  go 
off  and  live  by  themselves  and  let  good  women 
who  would  make  good  wives  live  by  them- 
selves." 


CHAPTER  IV 

THE  Hon.  Henrick  Scouten  was  a  smil- 
ing, smooth-faced  man,  with  pink  cheeks 
and  blond  hair.  The  business  of  his  life  was 
to  strengthen  the  Poquogg  County  Republican 
Organization,  of  which  he  was  the  leader,  to 
get  patronage  for  its  members,  and  to  increase 
the  majorities  of  Republican  candidates  at 
every  election.  He  was  always  doing  people 
favors,  not  that  he  cared  about  helping  any  one. 
but  because  it  might  win  votes  for  his  Party. 
He  sought  the  respect  of  the  community,  for 
that  would  add  to  his  political  strength  and 
continue  him  as  postmaster.  He  always  had 
good  words  and  bland  smiles  and  hearty  hand- 
shakes for  every  one.  He  had  a  very  confi- 
dential way  of  talking,  as  though  you  were  the 
one  person  in  the  world  whom  he  considered 
worthy  to  share  his  confidence,  yet  he  seldom 
stated  anything  positively;  he  simply  suggested. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        21 

You  might  talk  with  him  for  a  day  or  a  week, 
but  you  would  not  find  out  anything  he  did  not 
wish  you  to  know. 

He  called  upon  Mr.  Whittleback  the  morn- 
ing following  the  receipt  by  the  Home  Club  of 
Mrs.  Bush's  complaint,  which  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  had  been  selected  to  investigate,  and 
asked  how  the  Investigating  Committee  was 
getting  on.  Mr.  Whittleback  said  the  Com- 
mittee was  ready  for  business. 

*'  Good,"  said  Mr,  Scouten.  "  I  have  a  pro- 
posal to  make.  I  asked  to  have  you  appointed 
as  the  Investigating  Committee.  I've  been 
watching  you  for  some  time  and  I  think  you're 
the  man  we  want  —  I  mean  for  The  Organ- 
ization. You  know  in  Politics  we're  always 
looking  for  available  men.  Everybody  has 
always  wondered  why  you  never  went  into  Poli- 
tics. Now  is  the  time.  The  village  President 
is  fighting  The  Organization,  and  we  need  a 
strong  man  to  run  in  his  place.  There  have 
been  some  irregularities  going  on.  The  thing 
to  do  is  for  you  to  discover  and  expose  them 


22       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

and  then  run  for  President  yourself.  You  will 
be  elected  without  question." 

Mr.  Whittleback  thought  that  would  depend 
somewhat  on  who  was  nominated  against  him. 

"  No,  everything  will  be  easy  sailing,  for 
you  will  have  The  Organization  with  you  and 
that  is  the  main  thing.  Of  course  in  this  mat- 
ter I  represent  The  Organization." 

"What  is  The  Organization?"  Inquired 
Mr.  Whittleback. 

"  Now,  Mr.  Whittleback,"  replied  Mr. 
Scouten,  laughing,  "  don't  ask  too  many  ques- 
tions. That's  one  thing  you  have  to  learn  in 
Politics.  All  that  will  come  in  good  time,  but 
it's  enough  to  know  now  that  my  proposal 
comes  from  The  Organization." 

"  There  is  only  one  thing  which  would 
Induce  me  to  run  for  office  and  that  Is  the  hope 
that  I  might  be  of  service  to  the  people." 

"  That  sentiment,  Mr.  Whittleback,  does 
you  much  credit.  It  Is  this  opportunity  I  offer 
you.  Political  organizations  are  good  things 
if  for  no  other  reason  than  that  they  are  always 
finding  new  men  to  serve  the  people  and  I  think 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        23 

the  people  will  never  have  cause  to  regret  that 
we  have  chosen  you," 

And  Mr.  Whittleback,  believing  that  an 
acceptance  of  Mr.  Scouten's  proposal  would 
give  him  a  chance  to  serve  the  people,  said  yes, 
and  entered  with  enthusiasm  upon  the  work  of 
investigation. 


CHAPTER  V 

MR.  WHITTLEBACK  had  been  as  atten- 
tive to  public  affairs  as  the  average  citi- 
zen. An  honest  man  himself  and  dealing 
honestly  in  his  own  business,  when  he  saw  a  man 
elected  to  office  he  assumed  he  would  conduct 
the  Public's  affairs  as  honestly  as  his  private  af- 
fairs. The  conditions  he  found  existing  in  Sky 
View  opened  his  eyes  to  the  need  of  the  Public 
taking  an  interest  in  its  affairs.  When  he  found 
that  one  hundred  dollars  had  been  appropriated 
every  year  to  feed  prisoners  in  the  village  jail, 
and  also  learned  that  there  had  been  no  prison- 
ers confined  in  the  jail  for  three  years,  it  was 
apparent  that  the  keeper  of  the  jail  had  money 
which  belonged  to  the  Public.  When  he  found 
the  village  had  been  paying  a  thousand  dollars 
yearly  to  have  the  garbage  removed,  and  that 
the  village  President  had  sold  this  garbage  to 
the  railroad  under  a  private  contract,  he  con- 
24 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       25 

eluded  the  President  had  been  taking  the  Pub- 
lic's money.  It  was  only  with  the  greatest  diffi- 
culty that  Mr.  Whittleback  could  learn  these 
facts,  and  others  of  similar  character,  for  old 
Peter  Sosser,  the  village  clerk,  had  a  system  of 
bookkeeping  all  his  own,  which  nobody  could 
understand  without  his  help,  and  he  was  not 
disposed  to  render  Mr.  Whittleback  any  assist- 
ance. Mike  Rafferty,  Sky  View's  only  police- 
man, had  long  been  paid  a  yearly  sum  to  patrol 
the  streets  at  night,  yet  he  was  never  known  to 
be  on  duty  more  than  once  a  month. 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  shocked  to  find  such 
dishonesty  and  negligence  in  public  servants 
who  were  known  to  be  honest  and  careful  in 
their  private  affairs,  but  he  was  no  less  surprised 
to  find  how  unconcerned  the  Public  had  been 
about  the  management  of  its  business.  And 
he  had  been  no  less  indifferent  than  the  rest. 
He  had  paid  his  taxes,  read  The  Clarion,  voted 
his  Party  ticket,  listened  to  speeches  on  Honesty 
delivered  by  the  Party's  orators,  but  he  had 
never  bothered  to  find  out  whether  or  not  the 
Public's   money   was  being  properly   spent   or 


26       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

whether  or  not  public  servants  were  doing  their 
duty. 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  a  very  different  man 
from  Mr.  Harbin.  That  gentleman  knew 
nothing  about  public  affairs,  for  he  cared 
nothing  about  them;  he  could  see  no  profit  in 
bothering  with  them;  seldom  did  he  avail  him- 
self of  the  privilege  of  voting,  unless  a  propo- 
sition came  up  to  increase  taxes  to  make  an 
improvement,  when  he  always  voted  no.  But 
Mr.  Whittleback  bitterly  regretted  his  neglect 
of  public  affairs.  To  be  sure,  he  had  been  no 
worse  than  his  fellow  citizens,  and  yet  he  con- 
cluded it  was  almost  a  crime  for  a  citizen  to 
take  no  interest  in  public  affairs,  for  if  the  Pub- 
lic paid  more  attention  to  its  affairs  there  would 
be  fewer  men  enriching  themselves  because  of 
the  Public's  ignorance. 

Now  Mr.  Whittleback  would  atone  for  his 
neglect,  he  would  do  all  in  his  power  to  reform 
conditions,  and  as  the  first  means  to  this  end 
he  would  bring  the  facts  he  had  discovered  to 
the   attention  of  the   people.     The   editor  of 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       27 

The  Clarion  would  surely  be  glad  to  print 
them. 

The  editor  was  very  sorry,  but  the  village 
officials  were  customers  of  his  and  he  could  not 
afford  to  lose  their  patronage  by  printing  any- 
thing which  would  reflect  upon  their  adminis- 
tration. He  would  be  very  glad,  however,  to 
sell  Mr.  Whittleback  space  and  to  insert  his 
discoveries  in  the  form  of  advertising  matter. 
This  method  Mr.  Whittleback  was  obliged  to 
adopt,  for  The  Clarion  was  the  only  newspaper 
in  the  village. 

Now  Mr.  Whittleback's  greatest  surprise 
was  in  store  for  him,  for  the  publication  of  his 
discoveries  aroused  the  anger  of  many  re- 
spected citizens  who  thought  their  business 
might  be  interfered  with.  Several  brick  mak- 
ers in  towns  farther  down  the  river  threatened 
to  buy  no  more  wood  of  him.  Many  of  Sky 
View's  "  representative  citizens  "  refused  to 
speak  to  him;  others  abused  him  for  doing 
that  which,  they  said,  would  break  up  the  Party 
and  give  not  only  the  village  election  but  the 
succeeding  county  election  to  the  Democrats; 


28       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

while  others  ridiculed  the  whole  proceeding. 
In  this  last  class  was  the  distinguished  Mr. 
Tubbmann.  This  did  not  trouble  Mr.  Whlt- 
tleback  very  much,  for  Mr.  Tubbmann  was 
nominally  a  Democrat,  until  It  began  to  be 
rumored  that  he  was  to  be  employed  to  reply 
to  Mr.  Whittleback's  charges.  This  was  so 
important  a  matter  that  Mr.  Whittleback  went 
to  the  Post  Office  to  consult  Mr.  Scouten  about 
it. 

"  Glad  to  see  you,  Mr.  Whittleback,"  said 
Mr.  Scouten,  giving  him  a  hearty  handshake, 
and  leading  him  into  his  private  office.  "  Sit 
down  and  have  a  cigar." 

Mr.  Whittleback  began  at  once  on  the  sub- 
ject of  Mr.  Tubbmann  and  the  investigation. 

"  How  long  has  the  investigation  been  going 
on,  Mr.  Whittleback?  " 

"  Three  weeks." 

"  And  they're  berating  you  and  laughing  at 
you  and  threatening  you  and  everybody  is  talk- 
ing about  it?  " 

'*  Yes,  I'll  be  blessed  if  they  aren't  going 
for    me    at    a    great    rate.     I'm    an    outcast. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        29 

Instead  of  being  a  public  benefactor  you  would 
think  I  was  a  public  enemy." 

"  The  Public  is  becoming  interested.  It's  a 
good  symptom.  The  most  difficult  thing  is  to 
get  the  Public  interested  in  its  own  affairs.  It's 
time,  though,  to  get  a  recruit.  Let's  go  see 
Tubbmann." 


CHAPTER  VI 

MR.  Tubbmann  was  the  most  picturesque 
man  in  Sky  View.  It  was  not  so  much 
because  of  his  imposing  figure,  his  great  head  of 
curly  white  hair,  or  his  fine  face  and  clear  blue 
eyes;  it  was  the  distinctive  way  in  which  he  car- 
ried himself,  with  the  head  erect  and  the  eyes  al- 
ways gazing  off  into  space,  his  manner  of  doing 
the  most  trivial  things  as  though  they  were  the 
most  important,  and  the  most  important  things 
as  though  they  were  the  most  trivial,  that  made 
him  the  most  unique  character  in  the  village. 
Whenever  he  passed  along  the  street  with  his 
stately  stride,  swinging  his  right  hand  forward 
with  a  determined  air,  people  looked  out  of 
their  windows  and  said:  "There  goes  Mr. 
Tubbmann.  What  a  fine  walk  he  has,"  or, 
"  What  a  splendid  appearance  he  makes,"  and 
they  wondered  why  he  had  never  become  Gov- 
ernor or  Senator  or  even  President. 
30 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        31 

Mr.  Tubbmann  always  claimed  to  be 
engaged  on  an  important  case.  When  Mr. 
Scouten  and  Mr.  Whittleback  entered  his  office 
he  had  his  table  full  of  books,  but  he  was  pac- 
ing up  and  down  the  floor  wondering  what  he 
could  do  to  remedy  the  low  state  of  his  finances. 
He  said,  "  Good  morning,  gentlemen,"  and 
condescended  so  far  as  to  shake  hands. 

"  I  know  you're  a  busy  man,  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann," said  Mr.  Scouten.  "  But  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback and  I  had  a  little  matter  we  wished  to 
discuss  with  you." 

Mr.  Tubbmann  motioned  them  to  take  seats, 
but  still  continued  to  pace  the  floor. 

"  You  know,  Mr.  Tubbmann,"  Mr.  Scouten 
continued,  "  we're  all  trying  to  serve  the 
Public." 

Mr.  Tubbmann  stopped  suddenly,  turned  to 
Mr.  Scouten  and  exclaimed:  "  Serve  the  Pub- 
lic! Why,  there  isn't  one  man  in  six  who's  in 
Politics  to  serve  the  Public." 

"  Don't  be  too  hard  on  us  politicians,  Mr. 
Tubbmann." 

"Hard  on  you!     Do  you  think  I  was  born 


32       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

yesterday,  Scouten?  Do  you  think  I  don't  un- 
derstand the  present  political  system?  Do  you 
think  I  don't  know  that  the  Public's  welfare  is 
considered  only  so  far  as  it  adds  to  the  welfare 
of  the  Parties?" 

"  Well  ril  be  blessed  I  "  ejaculated  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback. 

"Are  you  ambitious  to  serve  the  Public, 
Whittleback?  "  Mr.  Tubbmann  continued,  turn- 
ing to  that  gentleman.  "  If  you  are,  you  don't 
want  to  be  travelling  around  with  Scouten." 

"  We  came  here  this  morning,  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann," interposed  Mr.  Scouten,  "  to  see  if  you 
would  make  a  little  deal  with  us  in  the  matter 
of  Politics." 

"  Come  into  the  back  room,"  responded  Mr. 
Tubbmann,  as  he  led  the  way  into  his  private 
office  and  handed  out  a  box  of  cigars.  "  Sit 
down  and  make  yourselves  at  home." 

"  In  the  first  place,  Mr.  Tubbmann,"  con- 
tinued Mr.  Scouten,  after  the  cigars  were 
lighted,  "  would  you  have  any  scruples  about 
supporting  a  man  who  was  not  of  your  Party?  " 

"Scruples I"  rejoined  Mr.  Tubbmann,  with 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       33 

a  flourish  of  his  right  arm.  "Scruples!  Why, 
they're  both  run  the  same,  aren't  they?  They 
both  play  the  game  the  same  way." 

"There,  that's  settled.  Now,  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann,  from  what  we  have  been  hearing  we  have 
come  to  the  conclusion  that  you  don't  think 
much  of  this  investigation." 

"  No,"  replied  Mr.  Tubbmann  with  emphasis. 
"  A  lot  of  nonsense." 

"  There's  no  denying  the  fact  that  there  are 
things  that  need  investigation,"  said  Mr.  Scou- 
ten.  "  A  Republican  might  as  well  get  the 
credit  of  these  reforms  as  some  Democrat. 
Why  can't  Mr.  Whittleback  become  popular  by 
reforming  his  own  Party?  Then  when  he's 
nominated  for  village  President  he  will  be 
elected.  Now  if  you  will  give  Mr.  Whittleback 
your  support  in  this  investigation  and  help  elect 
him,  we  will  appoint  you  village  counsel." 

Mr.  Tubbmann  said  he  could  hardly  attend 
to  any  extra  work,  being  engaged  on  a  very 
important  case  just  then,  but  if  he  could  render 
any  service  to  his  friends  it  could  never  be  said 
of  Jerome  Alexander  Tubbmann,  a  member  of 


34       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

the  Bar  for  thirty  years,  that  he  had  failed  to 
do  so. 

"  This  President  and  these  Trustees  haven't 
been  representing  the  people,"  interposed  Mr. 
Whitdeback  with  vehemence.  "  Why  should 
we  have  to  wait  until  election  day  to  get  them 
out  of  office?  They  should  be  removed  at 
once." 

"  Pass  an  ordinance  permitting  the  people  to 
vote  office  holders  out  of  office  if  they  aren't 
satisfied  with  them,"  replied  Mr.  Tubbmann. 

"  A  fine  suggestion,  Mr.  Tubbmann,  a  fine 
suggestion.  That  shall  be  one  of  my  recom- 
mendations. And  not  only  in  this  village 
should  that  be  possible,  but  all  over  the  State," 

"  Go  to  the  Capital  and  have  a  Bill  passed 
making  it  a  law  throughout  the  State.  You  can 
do  that  before  the  Legislature  closes  this 
spring,"  said  Mr.  Tubbmann,  and  gave  his 
right  arm  a  magnificent  flourish,  as  though  the 
passage  of  the  Bill  were  a  very  simple  matter. 

"  Another  fine  suggestion,"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Whitdeback  with  enthusiasm.  "  Mr.  Scouten, 
this  is  encouraging." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        35 

"  Yes,"  replied  that  gentleman.  "  It's  time 
you  had  some  encouragement,  Mr.  Whittleback. 
Now  I  think  it's  time  to  have  a  public  meeting. 
I  would  like  to  have  you  attend  the  public  meet- 
ing, Mr.  Tubbmann,  and  say  something  nice 
about  our  friend  here." 

"  There  won't  be  any  trouble  on  that  line, 
Scouten.  We'll  make  Whittleback  just  as  great 
a  man  as  you  say." 

"  Thank  you,  Mr.  Tubbmann,"  said  Mr. 
Scouten,  "  and  congratulations  also.  You  are 
Mr.  Whittleback's  first  recruit." 


CHAPTER  VII 

THE  public  meeting  had  been  so  well  ad- 
vertised that  the  Town  Hall  was  filled  to 
overflowing  long  before  the  hour  it  was  an- 
nounced to  begin.  There  were  Democrats  and 
Republicans,  women  and  children,  visitors  from 
the  interior  of  the  county,  district  leaders  of 
both  Parties.  Some  came  to  laugh,  others  to 
gibe,  but  most  came  from  mere  curiosity.  The 
village  band  occupied  a  portion  of  the  platform 
and  kept  the  audience  in  good  humor  until  the 
hour  arrived.  Then  the  members  of  the  Sky 
View  Home  Club  ascended  the  platform  and 
took  the  seats  which  had  been  reserved  for 
them.  Their  appearance  was  greeted  by  a 
cheer  from  Mr.  Scouten's  lieutenants,  who  were 
stationed  about  the  hall.  A  few  minutes  later 
when  the  band  had  stopped  and  all  was  quiet 
in  came  Mr.  Whittleback  escorted  by  Mr. 
Scouten  and  Mr.  Tubbmann.  A  thunder  of 
36 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       37 

applause  greeted  his  entrance.  The  members 
of  the  Club  stood  up  and  hurrahed  for  him, 
the  band  played,  "  See  the  Conquering  Hero 
Come,"  and  the  children  waved  flags  and 
shouted  at  the  top  of  their  voices.  No  one 
was  more  surprised  at  this  demonstration  than 
Mr.  Whittleback  himself.  He  had  let  Mr. 
Scouten  make  the  arrangements  for  the  meeting. 
"  The  only  thing  you  will  have  to  do,"  Mr. 
Scouten  had  told  him,  "  will  be  to  make  your 
report  and  give  your  recommendations."  If 
Mr.  Whittleback  was  surprised  at  the  demon- 
stration, the  crowd  were  no  less  surprised  to  see 
the  Hon.  Henrick  Scouten  and  Jerome  Alex- 
ander Tubbmann  as  his  escort,  and  their  sur- 
prise was  not  diminished  when  Mr.  Tubbmann 
came  to  the  front  of  the  platform  and  began  to 
address  them. 

"  My  friends,"  he  exclaimed,  running  the 
fingers  of  his  right  hand  rapidly  through  his 
hair,  "  we  meet  here  to-night  as  citizens."  Ap- 
plause by  the  lieutenants.  '*  We're  American 
citizens.  I  would  rather  be  a  citizen  of 
America  than  of  any  other  country  under  the 


38       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

sun.  We  don't  have  to  have  a  King  and  Lords 
and  Dukes  to  govern  us.  We  govern  our- 
selves." More  applause.  "  When  it  comes  to 
a  question  of  citizenship,  I'm  not  a  party  man, 
I'm  an  American."  Again  the  lieutenants  led 
the  cheering  in  which  the  audience  joined.  He 
then  paid  a  fine  tribute  to  the  Sky  View  Home 
Club  and  explained  that  when  a  complaint  had 
been  made  to  the  Club  in  regard  to  village  af- 
fairs, the  Club  had  appointed  as  a  committee 
to  investigate  "  that  distinguished  citizen  of 
our  village,  who  is  ever  willing  to  sacrifice  his 
own  comfort  to  the  good  of  the  Public,  Na- 
thaniel Whittleback."  Such  cheering  and  shout- 
ing Mr.  Whittleback  had  never  before  heard 
in  all  his  life,  and  to  think  that  it  was  all  for 
him.  "We  have  met  here  to-night,"  Mr. 
Tubbmann  continued,  *'  to  hear  his  report. 
Whom  will  you  have  for  your  chairman?  " 

Mr.  Scouten  was  nominated  amid  applause, 
for  the  Democrats  in  the  audience  were  too 
much  surprised  at  Mr.  Tubbman's  speech  to 
make  a  nomination.     There  were  a  dozen  sec- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       39 

onds  and  Mr.  Scouten  was  elected  by  acclama- 
tion. 

"  Fellow  citizens,"  he  said,  coming  forward, 
"  I  am  glad  to  see  so  many  of  you  here  to- 
night. It  speaks  well  for  the  cause  of  Ameri- 
can liberty." 

The  lieutenants  began  to  cheer,  but  Mr.  Scou- 
ten checked  them  by  a  wave  of  his  hand. 

It  was  not  to  be  expected,  he  continued,  that 
evils  would  not  creep  into  popular  government, 
but  when  wrongs  were  discovered  they  should 
be  righted,  no  matter  where  found,  and  the 
people  were  indebted  to  the  man  who  discov- 
ered them. 

"  It's  a  domned  lie !  "  shouted  old  Mike  Raf- 
ferty,  as  he  arose  from  his  seat,  resplendent  in 
his  blue  coat  and  brass  buttons.  "  And  I'll 
swear  it's  nothing  more  than  a  reflection  on  me 
cha-rack-ter  as  an  honest  man." 

"  That's  all  right,  Mike,"  replied  Mr.  Scou- 
ten good  naturedly. 

"  It's  all  right,  is  it?  It's  a  reflection  on  me 
cha-rack-ter  as  a  police  ofHcer  and  me  fawther 


40       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

afore  me,"  and  Mr,  Rafferty  shook  his  fist  at 
Mr.  Scouten  and  sat  down. 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Scouten, 
"  I  take  pleasure  in  presenting  to  you  your  fel- 
low townsman  and  distinguished  citizen,  Na- 
thaniel Whittleback." 

"  My  friends,"  Mr.  Whittleback  began,  when 
the  applause  of  the  lieutenants  had  subsided, 
"  I  wish  I  was  an  orator  like  Mr.  Tubbmann, 
but  I'm  not.  You  know  my  mother  was  Dutch 
and  I  lay  it  to  that."  Laughter.  "  I've  heard 
so  much  said  against  me  lately  that  I  hardly 
know  what  to  think  of  this  meeting,  but  I'll 
tell  you  right  at  the  beginning  that  I've  done 
no  more  than  any  citizen  ought  to  be  willing 
to  do." 

The  lieutenants  applauded,  but  the  rest  of 
the  audience  remained  silent  and  critical. 

Mr.  Whittleback  then  told  why  he  under- 
took the  investigation,  and  gave  a  statement 
of  what  he  had  found. 

"  Now,  my  friends,"  he  continued  in  a  con- 
versational tone,  as  though  he  were  speaking  to 
each  one  individually,  "  I'm  a  Republican  and 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       41 

some  of  you  are  Democrats,  but  we're  all  fellow 
townsmen,  and  when  I  see  the  men  we  have 
elected  to  office  putting  our  money  In  their 
pockets  and  giving  us  no  equivalent,  I  say  it's 
wrong." 

"  You're  right,"  came  a  voice  from  the  audi- 
ence. 

"  But  I'm  only  one;  it's  what  you  say  that 
goes." 

"  We're  with  you,"  came  another  voice, 

"  I'm  not  a  politician,"  Mr.  Whittleback  con- 
tinued, "  I'm  just  a  plain,  ordinary  man,  but  in 
the  way  I  look  at  public  office  it's  a  contract 
between  the  people  and  the  man  they  elect. 
You  vote  a  man  into  office  because  he  promises 
to  serve  you.  Why  shouldn't  you  have  the 
privilege  of  voting  him  out  of  office  right  away 
when  you  find  he's  broken  his  contract  and  isn't 
serving  you?  Why  should  you  be  compelled 
to  wait  until  his  term  Is  out?  If  you  hire  a 
man  to  work  your  farm  and  he  doesn't  suit, 
can't  you  discharge  him  if  he  breaks  his  con- 
tract? " 

"  Now    you're    talking    sense,"    shouted    a 


42       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

weather-beaten  old  farmer  from  the  interior  of 
the  county  who  had  walked  six  miles  to  attend 
the  meeting. 

"  I'm  not  a  public  speaker  and  I  never  held 
an  office,"  Mr.  Whittleback  went  on,  "  but  I 
undertook  this  investigation  and  I've  told  you 
what  I  found  and  now  I  want  to  recommend 
some  things  that  have  occurred  to  me." 

He  then  recommended  several  remedies  to 
improve  local  conditions. 

"  And  I  also  want  to  recommend  that  an 
ordinance  be  passed  by  the  village  board  giving 
the  voters  of  this  village  the  right  to  vote  any 
man  out  of  office  as  soon  as  he  doesn't  do  his 
duty,  and  that  a  Bill  be  introduced  in  the  Legis- 
lature permitting  the  same  thing  to  be  done  all 
over  the  State.  And  last  of  all  I  suggest  that 
you  citizens  take  more  interest  in  your  affairs 
from  now  on." 

The  lieutenants  did  not  need  to  cheer  then. 
Without  any  of  the  arts  of  the  orator  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback had  won  the  audience  by  his  frankness 
and  good  sense.  He  might  be  plain,  he  might 
be  radical,  but  he  was  honest.     They  cheered, 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       43 

they  waved  their  hats,  the  lieutenants  shouted: 
"What's  the  matter  with  Whittleback? " 
And  those  on  the  platform  answered:  "  He's  all 
right,"  until  everybody  was  hoarse. 

Mr.  Scouten  came  forward  and  was  about 
to  ask  for  a  motion  to  adopt  the  report  and 
recommendations,  when  from  the  rear  of  the 
hall  a  man  who  had  just  come  in  shouted:  "  I'd 
like  to  ask  Whittleback  what  he's  getting  out  of 
this?" 

Then  there  were  hisses  and  cries  of,  "  He's 
a  Democrat,"  and  "  Put  him  out,"  in  the  midst 
of  which  a  young  and  enthusiastic  Republican 
went  up  to  the  new-comer  and  inquired  with  a 
sneer:  "You're  a  Democrat,  aren't  you?" 
"  Yes,"  replied  the  man,  in  a  voice  that  could  be 
heard  over  the  hall;  "  and  what  if  I  am?  " 

"  That  shows  you're  a  fool,"  retorted  the 
young  Republican. 

Everybody  now  expected  a  fight,  and  no  one 
was  disappointed. 

"  Mr.  Rafferty,"  shouted  Mr.  Scouten,  "  you 
had  better  preserve  order." 

Mr.  Rafferty  had  already  started  toward  the 


44       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

scene  of  hostilities.  His  method  of  ending  a 
fight  was  peculiarly  his  own.  "  Make  way  1  " 
he  shouted.  Everybody  made  way.  Then 
when  a  clear  space  was  opened  up  between  him- 
self and  the  combatants,  he  started  forward 
and  threw  himself  against  them  with  all  his 
might,  much  as  a  bowling  ball  is  rolled  against 
the  pins,  and  with  much  the  same  effect,  for  Mr, 
Rafferty  was  so  fat  and  the  force  of  the  im- 
pact was  so  great  that  he  knocked  both  com- 
batants off  their  feet  and  was  soon  bearing  them 
away  in  triumph  to  the  village  jail. 

This  unfortunate  occurrence  seemed  to  break 
up  the  good  feeling  which  had  prevailed  and  to 
divide  the  audience  on  party  lines;  for  a  "  dyed 
in  the  wool "  Democrat  arose  and  moved  that 
Mr.  Whittleback's  report  be  adopted,  and  took 
advantage  of  the  occasion  to  berate  the  Republi- 
can Party  in  general  and  the  Republicans  of  Sky 
View  in  particular;  a  "Black"  Republican 
replied  by  denouncing  the  Democrats  in  general 
and  that  Democrat  in  particular;  Mr.  Scou- 
ten  rapped  loudly  to  secure  order,  without 
success,  when,   in  the  midst  of  the   growing 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       45 

tumult,  Mr.  Tubbmann  stepped  to  the  edge  of 
the  platform  and  motioned  the  crowd  to  be 
silent.  When  quiet  was  partially  restored,  he 
began  in  his  fine,  rich  voice  which  reached  to 
the  farthest  corners  of  the  room:  "My 
friends,  up  through  the  ages  the  men  of  every 
clime  have  dreamed  of  being  free.  The  pa- 
triots of  every  nation  have  fought  and  bled 
for  freedom.  Through  the  gloom  of  the  cen- 
turies the  hope  of  liberty  has  been  the  light 
which  has  beckoned  men  onward.  Far  away 
from  the  Old  World,  in  a  new  land,  where  a 
great,  brave  people  reared  their  homes  out  of 
the  primeval  wilderness,  the  dream  at  last  was 
realized." 

The  hall  was  as  still  as  death,  and  men, 
women  and  children  leaned  forward  pale  with 
emotion. 

Need  he  tell  them  that  America  was  that 
country  and  they  that  people?  They  too  had 
fought  to  preserve  what  they  had  won.  Many 
there  were  before  him  who  had  sent  a  soldier 
boy  away  never  to  return.  That  was  patri- 
otism.    To  be  brave  when  the  drums  beat  and 


46       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

the  battle  raged  was  patriotism.  But  there 
was  another  patriotism,  the  patriotism  of  peace, 
which  led  a  man  to  stand  for  what  he  believed 
was  right,  no  matter  what  he  suffered.  He 
was  the  greater  hero.  There  was  such  a  man 
among  them,  who  had  spent  weeks  of  his  time 
in  their  behalf,  who  had  come  here  to-night  to 
tell  them  the  result.  That  man  was  a  hero. 
That  man  he  would  then  and  there  place  in 
nomination  for  President  of  Sky  View  at  the 
coming  election;  that  man's  report  and  recom- 
mendations should  be  adopted  by  a  rising  vote, 
and  he  would  so  move,  together  with  a  vote  of 
thanks,  for  that  man  was  that  splendid  patriot 
and  hero  of  peace  —  Nathaniel  Whittleback! 


CHAPTER  VIII 

MR.  WHITTLEBACK  had  captured  Sky 
View.     Everybody    was     talking     about 
him.     He  was  pointed  out  to  strangers  as  "  our 
distinguished  citizen."     The  newsboys  took  off 
their  caps  to  him.      The  Clarion  devoted  the 
front  page  of  its  next  issue  to  his  picture  and  a 
sketch  of  his  life  and  a  history  of  his  father's 
honorable  career  in  county  Politics.     The  Sew- 
ing Circle  discussed  him  and  praised  his  cour- 
age, but  regretted  that  he  was  not  a  family  man. 
The  select  coterie  that  played  dominoes  in  the 
rear  of  the  blacksmith  shop  had  him  as  the  topic 
of    conversation.     At    the    grocery    stores    the 
usual   evening   talk  of  horses   and  sports  was 
abandoned  for  discussion  of  the  public  meeting 
and    what    Mr.    Whittleback    would    do    and 
whether  he  would  fight  "  The  Organization," 
for  until  then  it  was  an  unheard-of  thing  and 
against  all  known  rules  of  Politics  for  a  Re- 
publican to  attack  his  own  Party,  but  all  agreed 

47 


48       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

he  was  a  coming  man,  and  that  they  hadn't 
thought  he  had  it  in  him. 

When  it  became  known  that  he  was  to  be 
nominated  for  village  President,  political 
leaders  who  lorded  it  over  election  districts 
came  to  confer  with  him.  County  politicians 
with  a  very  important  air  volunteered  to  advise 
him.  He  was  obliged  to  hear  applicants  for 
the  village  clerkship  recite  their  qualifications. 
Candidates  for  the  position  of  policeman  beset 
him  at  all  times  of  the  day  and  night.  His 
office,  which  had  always  been  a  quiet  place, 
where  business  was  carried  on  in  an  easy,  matter- 
of-fact  manner,  as  befitted  an  establishment  of 
many  years'  standing,  was  now  the  scene  of 
bustle  and  excitement,  with  people  coming  and 
going:  Some  came  requesting  passes  on  the 
railroad;  others  came  requesting  positions  in 
the  public  service,  and  still  others  came  to  sug- 
gest their  pet  schemes  for  the  promotion  of  the 
Public's  welfare.  Many  came  to  make  com- 
plaints. In  fact,  Mr.  Whittleback  was  so  popu- 
lar and  was  so  busy  receiving  petitioners  and 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       49 

advisers,  and  listening  to  congratulations  and 
offers  of  assistance,  that  he  had  little  time  to 
cat  or  sleep. 

One  morning  a  stranger  made  his  way 
through  the  crowd  in  the  outer  office  and  re- 
quested a  private  audience.  To  the  trained 
eye  he  had  all  the  earmarks  of  a  sharper,  but 
Mr.  Whittleback  shook  hands  with  him  and  led 
him  into  his  private  room. 

"  You  will  pardon  me,  Mr.  Whittleback," 
«aid  the  stranger,  "  but  you  are  well  known,  and 
I  want  to  make  you  better  known.  I  am  Mr. 
Hatwell  of  New  York  and  I  represent  the 
Portraiture  Magazine.'^ 

He  handed  Mr.  Whittleback  a  card  and  con- 
tinued: "We  shall  have  the  histories  and  pho- 
tographs of  several  prominent  men  of  the  coun- 
try in  our  March  number  and  we  want  yours  to 
be  one  of  them." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback,  "I'll  be 
blessed  if  I  can  imagine  what  will  come  next." 

"  It's  a  regular  thing,"  said  Mr.  Hatwell. 
"  Everybody    does    it   and   you    can't   become 


50       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

famous  without  it.  For  instance,  in  the  March 
number  we  shall  have  a  new  literary  man,  a 
popular  preacher,  a  well-known  politician  and 
a  reformer  —  yourself,  Mr.  Whittleback." 

He  said  of  course  there  was  some  expense 
in  the  matter,  but  the  magazine  had  a  circula- 
tion of  over  a  million,  and  fifty  dollars  was  a 
very  small  price  to  pay  for  an  introduction  to  so 
many  readers.  That  the  scheme  was  a  popular 
one  was  shown  by  the  fact  that  no  man  to  whom 
the  proposition  had  been  presented  had  turned 
it  down. 

This  easy  and  cheap  way  of  becoming  famous 
so  appealed  to  Mr.  Whittleback,  that  he  re- 
marked: "  I've  never  spent  any  money  on  this 
sort  of  thing  and  I  suppose  I  might  afford  a 
little.  It  would  be  quite  an  advertisement  for 
the  campaign." 

Encouraged  by  this  remark,  Mr.  Hatwell  be- 
gan talking  again,  and  before  he  had  finished 
talking  he  had  fifty  dollars  of  Mr.  Whittleback's 
money,  and  Mr.  Whittleback  had  his  receipt  for 
the  same,  and  after  he  had  gone  Mr.  Whittle- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        51 

back  hardly  knew  whether  to  be  glad  or  sorry. 
But  it  did  seem  that  Fame,  that  fickle  god- 
dess, had  chosen  Mr.  Whittleback  for  one  of 
her  own,  and  only  asked  him  to  do  his  part  and 
leave  the  rest  to  her. 


CHAPTER  IX 

MR.  WHITTLEBACK  did  not  under- 
stand why  everybody  should  think  he  had 
gone  into  Politics  simply  because  he  was  en- 
gaged in  a  fight  for  good  government.  To 
hold  public  office  was  not  to  his  liking.  He  had 
consented  to  become  a  candidate  for  village 
President  only  for  the  sake  of  reforming  the 
village  government.  After  the  enthusiastic  re- 
ception accorded  him  at  the  public  meeting  he 
had  supposed  all  would  be  easy  sailing.  Im- 
agine his  surprise,  therefore,  when  Mr.  Scouten 
told  him  he  must  begin  to  study  figures. 

"Figures!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Whittleback. 
"What  figures?" 

*'  Why,  the  figures  showing  the  votes  the  can- 
didates received  at  the  last  village  election. 
We  have  a  fight  on  our  hands  and  you  will  have 
to  be  informed  on  local  Politics  so  you  can  talk 
intelligently  with  the  boys  and  make  a  good 
impression.     Here  are  last  year's  figures.     Sat- 

53 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        ^3 

terley'8  district  gave  the  Republican  candidate 
a  majority  of  thirty.  Satterley's  going  to  run 
himself  this  year  and  he'll  get  more  than  that." 

"  What's  Satterley  going  to  run  for?  " 

"  For  Trustee,  and  he  has  two  important 
qualifications,"  replied  Mr.  Scouten,  laughing. 
"  He  is  a  vote-getter,  and  he  will  take  orders 
from  The  Organization,  and  both  qualifications 
are  important  just  now,  for  even  if  we  carry  the 
election,  we  will  have  only  two  Republican 
Trustees  to  two  Democratic  Trustees,  but  of 
course  your  election  will  give  us  a  majority." 

"  Who  is  our  other  candidate?  " 

"  Trusdall." 

"  I  don't  like  him  any  better  than  Satterley," 
exclaimed  Mr.  Whittleback.  "  I  don't  see  why 
the  people  want  such  men  holding  ofl&ce." 

"  They  don't  want  'em,  but  The  Organiza- 
tion wants  'em.  When  we  want  to  put  things 
through  we  want  men  who  will  do  as  they  are 
told,  and  when  you  become  President  you  want 
men  who  will  be  with  you  in  what  you  under- 
take." 

This  sentiment  struck  Mr.  Whittleback  as 


54       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

so  reasonable  that  in  spite  of  his  personal  dis- 
like for  his  fellow  candidates  he  consented  to 
take  up  what  Mr,  Scouten  called  the  preliminary 
work  of  the  campaign.  Every  evening,  in  com- 
pany with  that  untiring  public  servant,  he  visited 
those  grocery  stores  which  were  strongholds  of 
Republicanism,  met  the  citizens  who  congre- 
gated there,  talked  and  smoked  with  them,  gave 
them  the  best  hearty  handshakes  he  could  com- 
mand, passed  around  the  cigars  with  the  munifi- 
cence of  a  newly  married  man,  laughed  at  their 
jokes,  and  compelled  their  admiration  by  his 
knowledge  of  the  exact  number  of  votes  the 
Party  polled  in  each  election  district  at  the  last 
election.  He  even  condescended  so  far  as  to 
accompany  Mr.  Scouten  to  Mr.  Satterley's  ho- 
tel, and  talked  and  smoked  with  the  members 
of  the  Republican  Party  who  frequented  that 
retreat.  In  short,  he  was  so  determined  to  suc- 
ceed, and  made  such  a  good  impression  upon 
all  sides,  that  Mr.  Scouten  congratulated  him 
upon  his  progress  and  assured  him  that  he  was 
a  true  son  of  his  father.  Then  Mr.  Scouten 
would  introduce   him   to   another   "  good   Re- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        55 

publican  "  and  pat  the  "  good  Republican  "  on 
the  back  and  tell  Mr.  Whittleback  what  a  fine 
fellow  he  was,  and  inform  the  "  good  Republi- 
can "  what  a  fortunate  thing  it  was  for  the 
Party  that  they  had  discovered  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,  for  he  was  proving  himself  to  be  a  regu- 
lar chip  off  the  old  block. 

Thus  did  Mr.  Whittleback  spend  his  time 
until  the  convention  came,  and  then  —  so  well 
had  Mr.  Scouten  managed  things  —  there  was 
not  a  dissenting  voice,  and  Mr.  Whittleback  was 
unanimously  nominated  by  the  Republican  Party 
as  its  candidate  for  President  of  Sky  View. 

"  Now,  Mr.  Whittleback,"  said  Mr.  Scouten, 
"  you  must  see  The  Organization." 


CHAPTER  X 

THE  Organization  was  a  political  com- 
mittee composed  of  two  members  from 
each  town  in  the  county.  It  had  absolute  con- 
trol of  the  affairs  of  the  Republican  Party  in 
Poquogg  County.  It  was  represented  in  State 
affairs  by  its  Chairman,  Mr.  Scouten,  who  was  a 
member  of  the  State  Committee.  Every  man 
who  received  a  political  appointment  in  the 
county  had  first  to  secure  the  endorsement  of 
The  Organization.  The  money  which  the 
Republican  State  Committee  allotted  to  Po- 
quogg County  in  State  elections  was  placed  with 
The  Organization  and  by  it  expended.  If  a 
man  desired  to  receive  the  nomination  for  so 
small  an  ofiice  as  constable,  he  must  receive  the 
consent  of  the  committeemen  who  represented 
his  town.  After  the  Party  In  any  section  of  the 
county  made  nominations,  Mr.  Scouten  called 
The  Organization  together  to  have  a  private 
audience  with  the  candidates.  It  was  to  an  au- 
56 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       57 

dience  with  this  august  body  that  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,  shortly  after  his  nomination,  received  a 
summons. 

He  went  to  the  Post  Office  on  the  evening 
appointed  and  found  there  his  fellow  candi- 
dates, Messrs.  Satterlcy  and  Trusdall.  The 
members  of  The  Organization  were  seated 
around  a  large  table,  smoking  and  chatting. 
Mr.  Scouten  occupied  a  seat  at  the  head  of  the 
table,  and  upon  Mr.  Whittleback's  entrance 
bade  him  a  hearty  welcome  and  introduced  him 
to  his  associates.  After  being  introduced  all 
around,  Mr.  Whittleback  was  given  the  seat  of 
honor  near  the  head  of  the  table  and  one  of  the 
members  passed  a  box  of  cigars.  The  Organi- 
zation had  evidently  been  occupied  with  various 
matters  of  business  before  Mr.  Whittleback's 
arrival,  for  the  table  was  covered  with  letters 
and  maps  and  sample  ballots  and  boxes  of  ci- 
gars, and  at  one  end  of  the  table  were  glasses 
and  a  decanter,  which,  judging  from  the  smell, 
contained  whiskey,  and  which,  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  soon  learned,  was  much  in  demand  by 
some  of  the  company. 


58       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  Mr.  Whittleback,"  said  Mr.  Marker, 
"  you're  the  slickest  thing  yet.  The  way  you 
got  these  people  so  quick  with  this  idea  of  re- 
forming your  own  Party  commands  my  admira- 
tion.    It's  a  new  one  all  right." 

Mr.  Harker  was  the  youngest  man  in  The 
Organization,  and  represented  the  younger  ele- 
ment in  county  Politics.  He  had  wrested  the 
leadership  of  one  of  the  inland  towns  from  its 
old  time  leader  by  changing  the  hour  of  a  con- 
vention on  some  of  the  public  notices  and  had 
thus  carried  through  his  own  program.  Com- 
ing into  The  Organization  with  such  a  recom- 
mendation for  political  ability,  he  was  honored 
with  the  responsible  position  of  Secretary.  He 
was  an  energetic,  business-like  young  man,  and 
even  had  designs  upon  Mr.  Scouten's  position. 

"  Yes,"  remarked  Mr.  Windy,  a  big,  red- 
faced,  white-haired  man,  who  held  the  record 
for  years  of  service  to  the  Party.  "  A  man 
that's  as  slick  as  you,  Whittleback,  ought  to  be 
running  for  Congress  instead  of  for  President 
of  a  village,"  and  Mr.  Windy  gave  a  long  puff 
on  his  cigar  and  the  smoke  rolled  up  above  his 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        59 

red  face  in  such  volume  that  it  gave  the  face  the 
appearance  of  a  miniature  volcano  in  eruption. 

"  It's  only  a  matter  of  time,"  suggested  an- 
other member,  making  a  visit  to  the  decanter. 

To  these  remarks  and  many  others  of  similar 
character,  together  with  suggestions  and  plans 
for  the  campaign,  Mr.  Whittleback  made  no 
reply,  other  than  to  nod  his  head  occasionally 
and  to  continue  smoking  his  cigar.  To  tell  the 
truth,  he  was  not  so  interested  as  he  should 
have  been,  perhaps,  in  all  this  talk  of  methods 
and  figures;  so  when  he  had  finished  his  cigar 
and  had  given  the  members  a  chance  to  look 
him  over,  he  said  he  was  very  glad  to  have  met 
the  gentlemen,  and  as  he  had  had  a  busy  day 
he  guessed  he  would  be  going  over  to  the  Club. 

*'  I  think,  Mr.  Whittleback,"  suggested  Mr. 
Harker,  smiling,  "  that  The  Organization  has 
a  little  business  to  transact  with  you  before  you 

go." 

"  You'll  have  to  explain  to  him,  Harker,"  re- 
marked Mr.  Windy  in  an  undertone.  "  He's 
new  at  the  game," 

"  I   suppose  you  know,   Mr.   Whittleback," 


6o       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

said  Mr.  Harkcr,  "  that  you  never  could 
have  been  nominated  if  we  had  not  endorsed 
you?"      - 

"  I  know,"  Mr.  Whittleback  replied,  "  that 
Mr.  Scouten,  who  said  he  represented  you, 
asked  me  to  run." 

"  Do  you  realize  that  we  have  also  got  to 
elect  you?  " 

"  No,  I  supposed  the  people  would  do  that." 

"  That's  where  you  made  a  mistake,  Mr. 
Whittleback,"  Mr.  Harker  continued,  and  all 
the  members  vigorously  shook  their  heads; 
"  we  not  only  nominated  you,  but  we  have  got 
to  elect  you." 

At  a  nod  from  Mr.  Scouten,  one  of  the  mem- 
bers placed  the  decanter  and  a  glass  in  front  of 
Mr.  Whittleback  and  asked  him  if  he  would 
not  try  a  little  of  The  Organization's  whiskey. 

"  That's  right,"  interposed  Mr.  Windy,  the 
volcano  again  bursting  into  eruption.  "  Let's 
all  have  a  little." 

The  success  of  every  political  campaign, 
continued  Mr.  Harker,  after  they  had  all  drunk 
to  the  Party's  success,  depended  upon  The  Or- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       «i 

ganization  which  conducted  It,  and  of  course  to 
conduct  a  campaign  properly  cost  money.  So 
it  was  the  custom  to  assess  candidates  in  pro- 
portion to  the  value  of  their  offices.  The  office 
of  President  of  Sky  View,  although  one  of 
honor,  paid  no  salary  and  for  that  reason  might 
not  be  considered  so  good  an  office  as  some 
others  which  The  Organization  would  have  at 
its  disposal  in  the  fall,  but  it  was  a  good  be- 
ginning. 

**  So  we  have  fixed  your  assessment,  Mr. 
Whittleback,  at  one  hundred  dollars." 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  so  dumbfounded  by 
this  announcement  that  it  was  some  time  before 
he  could  recover  his  composure  sufficiently  to 
ask  why  more  money  was  wanted  of  him,  as  he 
had  already  given  Mr.  Scouten  a  hundred 
dollars. 

The  Organization  had  not  heard  of  that. 
The  members  turned  to  the  Chairman  and  at 
last  Mr.  Harker  asked  Mr.  Scouten  if  it  was 
true. 

Mr.  Scouten  said  it  was  true,  but  that  one 
hundred  dollars  was  for  preliminary  expenses 


62       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

which  in  no  way  concerned  The  Organization. 

The  members  of  The  Organization  thought 
it  did  concern  them. 

"  Gentlemen,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Satterley, 
whose  visits  to  the  decanter  had  been  frequent, 
*'  perhaps  Mister  Scouten's  forgot  to  divide  up. 
It's  always  gentlemanly,  Mister  Scouten,  to 
divide  up." 

"  Satterley,  be  silent,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  and 
Mr.  Satterley  and  The  Organization  pursued 
the  subject  no  further. 

"  Yes,  Mr.  Whittleback,"  Mr.  Scouten  con- 
tinued, "  Harker's  right  about  this  matter  of 
campaigns.  I've  had  more  experience  in  Poli- 
tics in  the  last  twenty  years  than  anyone  here, 
with  the  exception  of  Mr.  Windy,  and  I  ought 
to  know.  In  fact,  it  was  here  in  Poquogg 
County  that  the  practice  of  paying  voters  first 
began.  That  was  when  Wheedle  was  leader. 
You  can't  remember  it,  Harker,  it  was  before 
your  time,  but  Mr.  Windy  can?  " 

"  You  bet,"  said  Mr.  Windy. 
'  Of  course,   that  was  a   good  many  years 
ago,"  Mr.  Scouten  continued,   "  but  I  can  re- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        63 

member  seeing  him  stand  on  the  corner  down 
here  on  election  day  with  a  box  of  cigars  in  one 
pocket  and  a  roll  of  bills  in  the  other  and  take 
the  voters  around  the  corner  and  fix  'em  up. 
It  wasn't  very  long  before  the  practice  began 
all  over  the  country,  so  that  you  can't  run  a  cam- 
paign now  without  money  any  more  than  a  man 
can  be  nominated  without  The  Organization's 
endorsement." 

*'  Yes,"  interrupted  Mr.  Satterley,  rising  to 
his  feet  and  steadying  himself  by  his  chair, 
"  that's  right,  Mr.  Whittleback.  And  Mr. 
Wheedle,  where  do  you  suppose  he  is  now? 
Why,  he's  in  Congress !  " 

"  Satterley,  sit  down!  "  shouted  Mr.  Scouten. 
And  Mr.  Satterley  obeyed. 

"Are  the  other  candidates  assessed?"  In- 
quired Mr.  Whittleback. 

"  Yes,  my  friend,"  said  the  Irrepressible  Mr. 
Satterley.  "  Assessed  to  be  sure.  You  can't 
get  out  of  It,  I  can't  get  out  of  It,  Trusdall 
here  can't  get  out  of  it,  and  if  there's  any  getting 
out  of  a  thing  like  this  Trusdall  will  get  out 
of  It." 


64       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  Yes,"  remarked  Mr.  Trusdall  resignedly, 
"  we're  all  in  the  same  boat." 

"  And  you  can't  do  any  better  by  going  to  the 
Democrats,"  Mr.  Satterlcy  continued.  "  They 
run  their  party  the  same  way.  Don't  they, 
Boss?" 

"  Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Scouten  gruffly.  *'  Sat- 
terley,  suppose  you  keep  still  for  a  while." 

"  Well,  gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback, 
"  if  this  is  what  a  man  has  got  to  do  to  be 
elected  to  office,  my  opinion  is  it  costs  more  than 
it  comes  to,  and  I  don't  see  how  you  get  men 
to  take  your  offices." 

"Ah,  Mr.  Whittleback,"  interrupted  Mr. 
Harker,  "  don't  be  too  hasty.  That  might  be 
true  of  other  men,  but  not  of  you.  You  have  a 
great  future  before  you.  Your  scheme  of  vot- 
ing crooked  officials  out  of  office  will  take.  It's 
right.  We'll  stand  back  of  you  on  it.  It  may 
be  one  of  our  best  known  political  reforms. 
You've  a  big  chance.  You  may  not  like  some 
things  in  Politics,  but  you  can  never  help  the 
people  by  staying  out  of  Politics.  Now  you've 
started,  I  say  go  on." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        65 

Was  this  young  man  who  seemed  so  old  in 
experience  speaking  truth?  Could  he  do  some- 
thing for  his  fellow  citizens  of  Sky  View?  It 
was  more  than  he  had  bargained  for,  but  The 
Organization  could  evidently  defeat  him  if  it 
wished,  even  though  he  had  been  nominated. 
If  he  were  defeated  for  President  now,  his 
chances  of  serving  the  Public  might  end  for- 
ever. If  he  was  to  be  in  a  position  to  accom- 
plish anything  for  the  Public,  he  must  make 
sacrifices.  Now  that  he  had  begun,  he  might 
as  well  see  it  through.  Impelled  by  these  con- 
siderations, Mr.  Whittleback  at  length  ex- 
pressed himself  as  willing  to  comply  with  The 
Organization's  demand,  that  honorable  body 
agreeing  then  and  there,  however,  that  it  would 
stand  back  of  him  in  reforming  the  village  gov- 
ernment, and  that  it  would  spend  his  money  for 
none  but  legitimate  expenses. 

"  You'll  never  lose  anything  by  sticking  to 
The  Organization,"  Mr.  Harker  assured  him. 
"  We  assume  all  responsibility  for  your  elec- 
tion.    You  let  us  manage  things  and  you'll  see 


66       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

when  the  votes  are  counted  that  your  confidence 
in  us  has  not  been  misplaced," 

"  I  knew  he'd  come  around  all  right,"  re- 
marked Mr.  Windy. 

Then  that  veteran  politician  proposed  a  toast 
to,  "The  Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback,  Sky 
View's  next  President,"  to  which  all  responded 
heartily.  As  a  further  evidence  of  their  good 
feeling,  they  invited  him  to  go  with  them  to  Mr. 
Satterley's  hotel,  which  was  The  Organization's 
headquarters  in  Sky  View.  This,  however, 
Mr.  Whittleback  respectfully  declined  to  do, 
as  he  had  seen  enough  of  The  Organization  for 
that  evening  and  was  glad  to  get  back  to  the 
Club. 

We  have  been  so  busy  following  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback through  the  activities  of  the  political 
world  that  we  have  had  no  time  to  give  to  The 
Home  Club  the  place  that  it  deserves  in  this 
history.  But  for  this  shelter  to  which  he  could 
repair  we  doubt  if  Mr.  Whittleback  could  ever 
have  stood  the  strain  of  pohtical  life.  This 
was  a  very  haven  of  refuge.     Here  no  business 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        67 

could  be  transacted.  No  petitioners  for  office 
ever  crossed  its  threshold.  What  better  relief 
from  the  worries  of  Politics  than  to  sit  down 
here  to  a  quiet  game  of  cards  with  President 
Costaine,  or  to  listen  to  old  Mr.  Dusenbury 
give  the  history  of  his  latest  experiment  in  the 
cause  of  Science,  or  to  sit  within  the  shadow  of 
the  great  blazing  fire  in  the  Hall  and  listen  to 
"  Hercules,"  steward  and  Major  Domo  of  the 
place,  sing  a  song  or  dance  a  jig? 

Blessings  on  the  Sky  View  Home  Club  for  all 
it  did  for  Mr,  Whittleback  in  those  troublous 
times.  May  its  Hall  fire  burn  for  many  gener- 
ations, as  long,  indeed,  as  Sky  View  shall  have  a 
place  in  history,  and  may  it  always  shelter  mem- 
bers as  worthy  as  he. 


CHAPTER  XI 

OLD  Mr.  Withey,  who  had  lost  a  leg  in  the 
war,  and  who  kept  a  news  stand  near  the 
Post  Office,  was  awakened  from  one  of  his 
morning  naps  by  the  entrance  of  a  man  who 
seemed  to  be  in  a  great  hurry.  The  man 
snatched  a  magazine  from  the  table  and  began 
to  look  at  it  eagerly.  Then  Mr.  Withey  rec- 
ognized the  man  as  Mr.  Whittleback.  It  was 
the  first  day  of  the  month  and  it  was  upon  that 
day  Mr.  Hatwell  had  said  the  Portraiture 
Magazine  was  published  and  a  million  copies 
distributed  in  various  parts  of  the  United  States. 
There  it  was,  sure  enough,  the  cover  adorned 
with  a  fine  portrait  —  but  it  was  not  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback's  portrait  1  Well,  Mr.  Whittleback  did 
not  expect  it  would  be  on  the  cover,  so  he 
glanced  rapidly  through  the  pages  to  see  where 
it  was.  He  did  not  see  it  anywhere.  He  then 
pulled  a  chair  up  to  the  table  and,  sitting  down, 
went  through  the  magazine  again.     He  could 

6S 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       69 

not  find  It.  He  looked  at  the  cover.  It  was 
the  Portraiture  Magazine,  there  was  no  doubt 
about  that,  and  it  was  to  the  Portraiture  Mag- 
azine that  he  had  paid  fifty  dollars  to  have  pub- 
lished his  picture  and  a  slcetch  of  his  life.  He 
went  through  the  magazine  page  by  page,  but 
he  could  not  see  a  sign  of  his  picture  anywhere, 
or  a  sketch  of  his  life,  or  even  his  name.  Then 
for  the  first  time  it  occurred  to  him  that  he 
had  been  duped. 

"Find  what  you  want?"  inquired  Mr. 
Withey,  whose  curiosity  had  been  aroused. 

"No,"  repHed  Mr.  Whittleback,  "I'll  be 
blessed  if  I  can  find  anything  I  want.  I  guess 
they've  left  It  out,"  he  remarked,  after  he  had 
gone  through  the  magazine  for  the  fourth  time, 

"  Better  be  left  out  in  there  than  be  left  out 
on  election  day,"  said  Mr.  Withey. 

But  this  consolatory  remark  did  not  restore 
Mr.  Whittleback's  good  humor,  for  he  paced 
the  floor  a  few  moments  and  then  exclaimed: 
"  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  don't  teach  him,"  and  pay- 
ing for  the  magazine  he  hastened  away,  and 
Mr.  Withey  hobbled  to  the  window  just  in  time 


70       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

to  see  him  going  up  the  stairway  that  led  to 
Mr.  Tubbmann's  law  offices. 

"  Come  in,"  said  Mr.  Tubbmann,  in  answer 
to  Mr.  Whittleback's  knock. 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  so  excited  he  forgot 
to  say  good  morning,  but  thrust  the  magazine 
into  Mr.  Tubbman's  hands  and  exclaimed: 
"  See  if  you  can  find  my  picture  or  name  in 
there." 

"  Be  seated,"  said  Mr.  Tubbmann.  Then 
putting  on  his  spectacles  with  a  flourish,  he 
hastily  scanned  the  magazine's  pages  and  shook 
his  head. 

"That's  what  I  thought,"  said  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback. "Well  then,  Mr.  Tubbmann,  I've 
been  cheated  and  insulted,  and  I  came  to  see 
what  I  can  do  about  it." 

"  Put  the  law  on  'em." 

"  Something  ought  to  be  done  to  teach  such 
scoundrels  a  lesson.  It's  an  outrage,  Mr. 
Tubbmann." 

"  Why,  Whittleback,  a  man  in  your  position 
owes  it  to  himself  to  uphold  his  dignity. 
You're  in  somewhat  the  same  position  as  a  mem- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        71 

ber  of  the  Bar.  I've  been  a  member  of  the 
Bar  for  thirty  years,  and  I've  always  tried  to 
uphold  the  dignity  of  the  Bar." 

"  What  would  you  advise  doing,  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann?  " 

"  Whittleback,  I  am  a  lawyer  of  thirty 
years'  experience.  I  have  the  honor  to  be  a 
personal  friend  of  the  Governor  of  the  State 
and  the  President  of  the  United  States.  I  am 
also  a  member  of  the  State  Bar  Association. 
It  is  one  of  the  rules  fixed  by  that  Association 
that  before  a  lawyer  of  my  experience  hears  a 
case  he  must  be  paid  a  retaining  fee." 

"  Do  you  mean  that  I  must  pay  you  money 
simply  to  state  my  case  to  you?  " 

"  That,  Whittleback,  is  one  of  the  rules  of 
the  Bar  Association,  and  it  is  not  for  me,  so  old 
a  member  of  the  Bar  as  I  am,  to  compromise 
its  dignity." 

"  The  State  Bar  Association  is  pretty  hard  on 
the  clients,"  replied  Mr.  Whittleback,  who  did 
not  know  for  the  life  of  him  what  the  State 
Bar  Association  was,  but  dared  not  ask  Mr. 
Tubbmann  the  question. 


72       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  That  rule,  Whittleback,  was  made  for  the 
oldest  and  most  efficient  members  of  the  Bar, 
and  was  made  for  this  reason:  If  you  go  to 
some  upstart  and  state  your  case,  he's  got  to 
get  down  a  pile  of  books  as  high  as  your  head 
and  wade  through  'em  before  he  can  give  you 
an  opinion,  whereas,  we  experienced  members 
of  the  Bar  can  tell  you  what  to  do  without  all 
that  infernal  nonsense." 

"  I  don't  know  but  that  looks  reasonable," 
said  Mr.  Whittleback.  "  What  fee  does  the 
Bar  Association  fix?" 

"  The  Bar  Association  fixes  no  absolute  fee. 
It  makes  a  recommendation.  It  recommends 
a  retaining  fee  of  one  hundred  dollars,  but  as 
we  belong  to  the  same  Club  and  are  likely  to 
be  associated  politically  in  the  future,  I  think 
I  can  conscientiously  go  below  that  without 
compromising  my  professional  dignity.  Make 
it  fifty  dollars." 

Mr.  Whittleback  took  out  the  fifty  dollars 
and  handed  them  to  Mr.  Tubbmann,  who 
stuffed  them  into  his  vest  pocket  as  though  they 
were  useless  bits  of  paper. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       73 

"  Now,  Whittleback,"  he  continued,  leaning 
back  In  his  chair  and  elevating  his  feet  upon  the 
table,  "  state  your  case," 

Then  Mr.  Whittleback  did  state  his  case. 
He  told  what  he  had  done  and  what  Mr.  Hat- 
well  had  agreed  to  do  and  what  he  had  not 
done,  and  ended  by  requesting  Mr.  Tubbmann 
to  secure  him  redress  through  the  medium  of 
the  law. 

"  My  advice  to  you,  Whittleback,  is  to  sue 
hini.  It's  a  duty  you  owe  to  yourself  and  the 
Party  to  uphold  your  dignity." 

"  All  right,  sue  him,  and  sue  him  right  away." 

"  Very  well.  Come  around  this  afternoon 
and  I'll  have  the  papers  ready  for  you  to  sign." 

After  Mr.  Whittleback  had  gone,  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann looked  at  the  door  and  thus  soliloquized: 
*'  He's  like  all  the  rest  of  'em.  They'll  berate 
us  lawyers  up  hill  and  down,  but  when  they  get 
in  any  trouble,  then  they  come  around." 


CHAPTER  XII 

THE  annual  banquet  of  the  Jacksonian 
Club  of  Plumville  was  the  occasion  of  a 
great  gathering  of  Democratic  politicians,  law- 
yers and  local  statesmen  from  all  that  section 
of  the  country.  It  was  one  of  the  rare  occa- 
sions upon  which  Mr.  Solomon  Costaine  left 
Sky  View.  He  had  long  been  a  member  of  the 
Jacksonian  Club,  of  which  fact  he  was  never 
tired  of  boasting.  It  was  his  custom  to  Invite 
one  of  the  members  of  The  Sky  View  Home 
Club  to  accompany  him  on  these  excursions, 
and  this  year  he  invited  Mr.  Whittleback, 
partly  for  the  purpose  of  showing  that  rising 
Republican  "  how  we  Democrats  do  things,"  and 
partly  to  honor  himself  by  having  such  a  dis- 
tinguished man  as  his  guest. 

The  Hawk  Hotel,  where  the  banquet  was 
held,  was  a  quaint  old  structure.  In  the  days 
of  the  Revolution  it  was  a  Wayside  Tavern, 
and  Mine  Host  Drisk,  the  old  proprietor,  dls- 

74 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       75 

cussed  with  as  much  exactness  the  distinguished 
personages  who  enjoyed  its  hospitahty  in  those 
days  as  though  he  had  Hved  then  himself. 

When  Mr,  Whittleback  and  Mr.  Costaine 
arrived  late  in  the  afternoon  they  found  many 
of  the  out-of-town  guests  already  there.  Every- 
body was  busy  talking  and  smoking,  exchang- 
ing political  secrets  and  personal  reminiscences, 
renewing  old  friendships  and  forming  new  ones. 
Mr.  Costaine  at  once  sought  out  Mr.  Mart,  the 
Club's  President. 

"  Mart,"  he  said,  when  they  had  at  last  found 
that  gentleman  surrounded  by  a  crowd  of  ad- 
mirers, "  let  me  introduce  you  to  my  friend 
and  distinguished  fellow  townsman,  the  Hon. 
Nathaniel  Whittleback.  I  suppose  you've 
heard  of  him." 

"  No,  Costaine,"  replied  Mr.  Mart,  giving 
Mr.  Whittleback  a  hearty  handshake,  "  can't 
say  that  I  have.  What  Is  he,  leader  of  your 
county,  Costaine?" 

"  No,"  interposed  Mr.  Whittleback,  "  I'm  a 
Reformer,  sir." 


76       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  Yes,  Mart,"  said  Mr.  Costaine,  "  and  he's 
running  for  President  of  Sky  View." 

"  Good,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Mart,  slapping 
Mr.  Whittleback  on  the  back.  "  This  is  Demo- 
cratic luck.  One  of  our  speakers  is  sick  and 
I've  been  wondering  what  we'd  do  about  it. 
I'll  put  you  down  for  a  speech." 

"No  you  won't,"  protested  Mr.  Whittle- 
back;  "  I  didn't  come  to  make  a  speech  and  I'm 
no  speaker  anyway." 

"  Can't  get  anywhere  in  Politics  without 
it,"  remarked  Mr.  Mart,  taking  out  paper  and 
pencil  and  beginning  to  write.  "  It's  part  of 
the  game." 

Before  Mr.  Whittleback  had  a  chance  to  pro- 
test again  some  new  arrivals  came  up,  and 
these  were  introduced  to  him,  and  they  in  turn 
introduced  him  to  others,  and  there  were  so 
many  people  to  meet  and  all  had  so  much  to 
talk  about  that  before  Mr.  Whittleback  or  Mr. 
Costaine  realized  it  the  time  had  come  for  the 
dinner  to  begin,  and  they  were  pushed  along 
with  the  crowd  toward  the  dining  room,  where 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       77 

they  were  seated  at  the  speakers'  table.  Then 
Mr.  Whittleback  thought  about  the  speech  Mr. 
Mart  had  put  him  down  for,  and  was  on  the 
point  of  proposing  to  Mr.  Costaine  that  they 
depart  at  once,  but  Mr.  Costaine  seemed  to  be 
enjoying  himself  so  much  that  he  lacked  the 
heart  to  do  it. 

It  was  one  of  those  banquets  which  are  still 
much  in  vogue  in  the  cities  and  larger  towns 
of  our  country,  where  the  diners  pay  a  good 
price  per  plate  and  demand  the  worth  of  their 
money.  There  were  many  courses,  and  as 
there  was  a  long  interval  between  the  service 
of  the  courses  the  diners  whiled  away  the  time 
by  smoking  and  drinking.  The  music  of  an 
orchestra  added  to  the  pleasure  of  the  occasion, 
and  the  surroundings  and  atmosphere  were  such 
as  would  tempt  a  man  to  overrate  his  capacity 
for  eating  and  drinking.  The  courses  were  so 
many  and  the  champagne  flowed  so  freely  that 
there  were  times  when  Mr.  Whittleback  and 
Mr.  Costaine  wondered  whether  they  would  be 
able  to  keep  their  end  up  with  the  rest  of  the 


78       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

guests.  But  at  last  the  plates  were  removed 
for  the  last  time,  the  cigars  were  passed,  and 
it  was  time  for  the  speechmaking  to  begin. 

President  Mart  acted  as  toastmaster,  and, 
after  a  few  words  of  greeting,  introduced  the 
first  speaker.  The  Hon.  Jonathan  Sleek,  who 
had  lately  been  elected  to  the  Supreme  Court. 
His  subject  was  "  The  Judiciary,"  but  as  was 
his  custom  he  began  by  displaying  his  knowl- 
edge of  local  history.  He  was  glad  to  be  in 
Plumville,  a  town  with  a  history  that  antedated 
Revolutionary  days  and  which  was  rich  in  his- 
toric associations.  It  was  the  home  of  his  old 
friend  and  late  lamented  member  of  the  Bar, 
the  Hon.  "  Jack "  Frost,  famous  throughout 
the  State  for  his  legal  attainments.  He  was 
glad  to  see  present  his  friend  Justice  Trim,  who 
was  doing  so  much  to  elevate  the  dignity  of  the 
lower  courts.  "  Trim,  I'm  glad  to  see  you," 
said  the  Hon.  Mr.  Sleek,  smiling  across  the 
table  at  a  little  man  who  had  attracted  the  at- 
tention of  the  out-of-town  guests  by  his  black 
gown.  Justice  Trim  smiled  at  this  public  recog- 
nition and  tried  to  blow  away  a  smoke  cloud  that 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       79 

obscured  him  from  the  audience.  Now  a 
Judge  never  wanted  to  forget  who  put  him  on 
the  bench,  Mr.  Sleek  continued.  Some  lawyers 
when  they  got  on  the  bench  forgot  that  they 
were  once  practicing  lawyers  themselves.  Such 
actions  did  no  credit  to  the  Judiciary.  He  prom- 
ised he  would  never  be  guilty  of  that,  and  the 
audience  approved  this  sentiment  with  generous 
applause.  If  the  Democratic  Party  was  to  ac- 
complish anything  it  must  have  a  Democratic 
Judiciary.  The  Judiciary  had  the  final  say  on 
all  laws.  A  Democratic  Legislature  could  pass 
the  best  law  on  earth  and  a  Republican  Ju- 
diciary could  declare  it  unconstitutional.  Up- 
hold a  Democratic  Legislature  by  putting  Dem- 
ocratic judges  on  the  bench.  "  Gentlemen,"  he 
exclaimed  dramatically,  "  I'll  tell  you  right  now 
that  any  law  passed  by  a  Democratic  Legislature 
Is  constitutional  enough  for  me."  (Tremend- 
ous applause.)  He  then  proceeded  to  "take 
a  round  out "  of  those  people  who  criticised  the 
Judiciary.  They  were  dangerous  citizens.  If 
the  Judiciary  was  ever  to  accomplish  anything 
its  members  must  be  free  from  criticism.     The 


8o       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Public  must  have  implicit  faith  in  its  Judiciary. 
There  was  grave  danger  that  criticism  of  the 
Judiciary  might  cause  the  Public  to  lose  confi- 
dence in  judges.  He  therefore  favored  the  pas- 
sage of  laws  which  should  forbid  all  criticism 
of  judicial  acts  by  private  citizens  on  the  ground 
that  it  was  against  public  policy.  The  prepos- 
terousness  of  a  judge  being  criticised  by  a  lay- 
man !  Seeing  that  this  was  not  a  popular  doc- 
trine with  the  audience,  the  honorable  gentle- 
man proceeded  to  discuss  the  latest  decisions  on 
the  difficult  question  of  whether  a  man  who 
would  be  guilty  of  larceny  as  an  individual 
would  be  guilty  of  larceny  if  the  theft  were 
committed  as  the  officer  of  a  corporation.  Said 
decisions  held  he  would  not  be.  The  Judge 
endeavored  to  show  the  logic  of  these  decisions, 
and  to  defend  them,  in  which,  however,  he  met 
with  indifferent  success,  and  closed  his  address 
with  an  eloquent  protest  against  the  modern 
tendency  to  make  "  new  law." 

The  Hon.  Horace  Drastimus,  the  "  silver 
tongued  orator  "  of  local  Democracy,  lived  up 
to  his  reputation.     He  caught  the  audience  at 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       8i 

once.  He  was  a  Democrat  and  he  was  proud 
of  it.  His  father  was  a  Democrat  and  his 
grandfather  and  all  the  way  back.  He  never 
had  any  use  for  a  Republican  and  he  never 
would.  (Applause.)  The  Republican  Party 
was  the  Party  of  the  rich  men.  If  the  people 
didn't  know  it,  they  ought  to  know  it,  for  it  was 
so.  (More  applause.)  If  there  ever  was  any 
good  in  the  Republicans  they  had  lost  it  all. 
Look  at  their  platforms.  Did  the  gentlemen 
present  want  to  know  what  a  Republican  plat- 
form was?  Something  to  get  into  office  on. 
That  was  all.  (Laughter  and  applause.)  And 
then  the  people  had  to  pay  the  bills.  All 
the  time  increasing  expenses.  Why  should  it 
cost  so  much  more  to  run  the  government  now 
than  when  he  was  a  boy?  Republican  ex- 
travagance. The  Republicans  claimed  to  be 
anxious  to  help  the  people.  Then  why  not  let 
foreign  products  come  in  the  country  untaxed 
so  the  people  could  buy  things  cheap?  (Ap- 
plause and  cries  of  "  Hear,  hear.")  He  would 
tell  them  why:  To  make  a  few  men  rich  at  the 
expense  of  the  many.     Look  how  rich  men  had 


82       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

increased  under  Republican  administrations. 
Put  the  Democratic  Party  in  power;  send  a 
Democratic  Governor  to  the  Capital  and  a  Dem- 
ocratic President  to  the  White  House;  restore 
the  rule  of  the  people  by  electing  a  Democratic 
Congress,  and  the  grand  old  Party  of  Jefferson 
and  Jackson  would  never  prove  recreant  to  the 
trust  and  the  country  would  attain  to  an  era  of 
prosperity  it  had  never  witnessed  in  all  its  his- 
tory.     (Tremendous  applause.) 

The  Hon.  John  Sharp,  who  had  become  rich 
by  robbing  a  neighboring  city,  delivered  a  very 
eloquent  discourse  on  the  benefits  and  needs  of 
Honesty  in  all  departments  of  life's  activities, 
but  especially  in  political  life. 

Then  a  banker  read  figures  and  statistics  to 
inform  the  audience  on  modern  banking  meth- 
ods, but  was  so  elaborate  in  his  explanations  that 
everybody  lost  all  interest  in  the  subject  and 
heartily  wished  he  were  through. 

The  last  speaker  of  the  evening,  the  toast- 
master  announced,  was  not  on  the  program, 
but  he  had  kindly  consented  to  take  the  place 
of  the  gentleman  who  was  absent;  he  was  the 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       83 

Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback,  of  Sky  View., 
who  had  honored  the  banquet  by  his  presence 
and  would  now  favor  the  audience  with  a 
speech. 

The  Hon.  Mr.  Whittleback  was  In  no  condi- 
tion to  make  a  speech.  This  was  his  first  pub- 
lic dinner  and  it  had  been  too  much  for  him. 
Mr.  Costaine  had  been  so  busy  enjoying  himself 
that  he  had  neglected  to  look  after  his  dis- 
tinguished guest,  and  he  was  soon  to  have  cause 
to  regret  It  bitterly. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback,  rising 
with  considerable  difficulty,  and  making  an 
elaborate  bow  to  the  toastmaster  and  the  invited 
guests,  "  I  suppose  there  are  a  good  many  of 
you  here  yet,  but  I  can't  see  you.  This  room 
looks  like  the  river  at  Sky  View  on  a  foggy 
morning."  Laughter  and  applause.  There 
was  evidently  going  to  be  nothing  dry  about 
this  speech.  "  Let  me  tell  you  Democrats 
something,"  Mr.  Whittleback  continued,  ap- 
parently angered  by  the  laughter,  for  he  shook 
his  fist  at  the  diners:  "These  political  Parties 
are  humbugs !     What  have  you  politicians  ever 


84       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

done?  You're  always  considering  what  will 
help  your  Party.  You're  afraid  to  take  up  any 
question,  no  matter  how  much  it  should  be  taken 
up,  for  fear  it  may  hurt  your  Party  and  lose 
you  votes.  You  were  afraid  to  touch  the 
slavery  question.  You're  afraid  to  touch  the 
liquor  question.  Why  don't  you  think  less 
about  the  votes  and  more  about  the  people  and 
what  will  benefit  them?  Why  don't  you  lead 
instead  of  being  led  —  ?  " 

How  far  Mr.  Whittleback  would  have  gone 
in  this  indictment  of  politicians  if  he  had  not 
been  interrupted  it  is  impossible  to  say,  for 
hisses  and  groans  and  loud  laughter  greeted 
these  sentiments. 

"  You  don't  like  it,  do  you?  "  he  exclaimed. 
"Remember  this:  The  Public  needs  a  Re- 
former wherever  there's  a  politician !  " 

Hisses  and  cries  of,  "  He's  no  Democrat,  he's 
a  Republican,"  were  heard  on  all  sides,  and 
those  near  Mr.  Whittleback  motioned  him  to  be 
seated. 

"  Mr.  Chairman !  "  shouted  a  man  from  the 
rear  of  the  room,  for  Mr.  Whittleback  was  not 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       85 

the  only  one  whom  the  champagne  had  affected. 
"  What  is  this,  a  eulogy  or  an  elegy?  "  and  the 
audience  shouted  Itself  hoarse. 

**  You  gentlemen  have  been  proposing  toasts 
this  evening,"  Mr.  Whittleback  continued, 
when  quiet  had  been  partially  restored;  "  I'll 
propose  one:  To  the  ex-tlr-pa-tlon  of  the  poll- 
tl-cians!  " 

A  most  unfortunate  toast  to  propose  In  such 
a  presence.  There  were  hisses  and  roars  of 
laughter  mingled  with  cries  of,  "  Put  him  out." 
Indeed,  two  or  three  of  the  younger  members  of 
the  company  started  toward  the  speakers'  table 
with  the  avowed  intention  of  doing  this  very 
thing,  but  were  grabbed  and  forcibly  restrained 
by  the  older  members  of  the  Club.  Toast- 
master  Mart  endeavored  to  quiet  the  demonstra- 
tion and  to  restore  order,  but  was  unsuccessful. 
It  was  fortunate  that  there  were  no  more 
speakers,  for  the  dinner  ended  then  and  there 
in  an  uproar.  To  think  that  any  man  should 
have  dared  to  express  such  sentiments  at  a  Dem- 
ocratic gathering! 

Mr.  Costalne  was  so  chagrined  at  the  turn 


86       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

events  had  taken  that  he  put  Mr.  Whittleback 
in  charge  of  a  porter,  with  instructions  to  take 
him  to  his  room  at  once,  while  he  devoted  his 
energies  to  arranging  matters  satisfactorily 
with  the  newspaper  reporters. 

"  Not  much  Democratic  luck  in  putting  him 
on  the  program,"  remarked  Toastmaster  Mart. 
He  was  not  less  chagrined  than  Mr.  Costaine, 
and  he  was  to  have  more  cause  for  regret  as 
time  went  on,  for  to  the  day  of  his  death  he 
never  lived  down  the  disgrace  of  having  put  a 
Republican  on  a  Democratic  program. 

Whether  Mr.  Whittleback  was  impelled  to 
make  these  derogatory  allusions  to  politicians 
because  of  his  dislike  of  the  company  in  which 
he  found  himself,  or  because  of  his  experiences 
with  the  politicians  of  Sky  View,  will  always 
remain  a  matter  of  speculation  to  the  students 
of  his  life,  and  one  of  the  mysteries  of  our 
political  history.  He  himself  could  throw  no 
light  upon  the  subject,  as  he  was  never  able  to 
recall  with  any  distinctness  the  occurrences  of 
that  eventful  evening.  However,  when  the 
porter  in  whose  care  Mr.  Costaine  had  placed 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       87 

him  was  ready  to  leave  him  for  the  night,  Mr. 
Whittleback  grasped  him  warmly  by  the  hand, 
beamed  on  him  with  a  bland  smile  and  declared 
he  was  delighted  to  see  him  and  would  do  any- 
thing for  him  it  was  in  his  power  to  do.  When 
the  astonished  porter  had  freed  himself  and 
left  the  room,  he  paused  at  the  door  for  a  mo- 
ment and  heard  Mr.  Whittleback  exclaiming: 
"  Didn't  I  do  it  well,  Mr.  Scouten?  Didn't  I 
do  It  almost  as  well  as  you  could?"  All  of 
which  was  very  unintelligible  to  the  porter,  but 
may  be  of  interest  to  the  readers  of  this 
history. 


CHAPTER  XIII 

THERE  is  no  telling  how  late  Mr.  Whlt- 
tleback  would  have  slept  the  next  morning 
If  the  sun,  that  ruthless  destroyer  of  morning 
slumbers,  had  not  wakened  Mr.  Costalne,  who 
hastened  to  the  room  of  his  distinguished 
friend  to  Inquire  after  his  health.  As  soon  as 
Mr.  Whittleback  was  awakened  he  became 
aware  that  all  was  not  well  Inside  his  head. 
An  invisible  something  was  going  backward  and 
forward  at  a  very  furious  pace  and  the  head 
seemed  to  have  increased  greatly  In  size  during 
the  night.  However,  there  was  nothing  to  do 
but  get  up  and  eat  breakfast  and  take  the  morn- 
ing train  for  Sky  View.  They  had  finished 
breakfast  and  were  in  the  office  exchanging 
greetings  with  a  few  of  the  guests  of  the  pre- 
ceding  evening,  when  Mr.  Whittleback's  atten- 
tion was  attracted  by  a  stranger  who  was  look- 
ing at  him  and  apparently  laughing  at  him. 
Mr.  Whittleback  finally  recollected  him  as  Mr. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY        89 

Hatwell,  the  miscreant  who  by  false  pretenses 
had  got  from  him  fifty  dollars.  As  soon  as 
he  did  recognize  Mr.  Hatwell,  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  called  out  in  a  loud  voice:  "  Mr.  Costaine, 
ril  be  blessed  if  there  Isn't  that  scoundrel  who 
got  fifty  dollars  out  of  me." 

"What  does  this  mean?"  inquired  Mine 
Host  Drisk,  hurriedly  coming  forward. 

"  It  means  that  man  there  is  a  sharper. 
Look  at  him  I  " 

There  was  Mr.  Hatwell,  leaning  against  the 
railing,  smoking  a  cigarette  and  laughing.  If 
he  had  not  thus  mocked  Mr.  Whittleback,  it 
is  possible  all  would  have  passed  off  without 
further  ado,  but  an  honorable  man  can  stand 
so  much  and  no  more. 

"  I  demand,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback, 
starting  toward  Mr.  Hatwell,  "  that  you  apolo- 
gize Immediately  and  return  my  fifty  dol- 
lars." 

Mr.  Hatwell's  reply  was  to  strike  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback so  violently  that  had  it  not  been  for  Mr. 
Costaine's  timely  support  he  would  have  fallen 
to  the  floor.     Fortunately,  he  was  only  stunned 


90       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

for  an  Instant  and  soon  recovered  his 
equilibrium. 

By  this  time  a  crowd  had  collected,  which 
now  formed  a  ring  about  the  combatants  and 
looked  forward  with  eagerness  to  a  renewal  of 
the  conflict.  That  It  would  have  been  renewed 
there  can  be  no  doubt,  for  Mr.  Whittleback's 
anger  was  thoroughly  aroused  and  he  was  de- 
termined to  teach  Mr.  Hatwell  a  lesson  that 
he  would  remember  to  his  dying  day.  But 
before  he  had  had  time  to  arrange  his  plan  of 
attack  a  noise  was  heard  in  the  rear  and  cries 
of,  "The  Cop!"  "The  Cop!"  came  from 
all  sides. 

"  Make  way,  make  way!  "  shouted  the  new- 
comer, who  was  no  less  a  personage  than  Po- 
liceman Dunagan  of  the  Plumville  Police. 
"What's  the  matter  wid  ye?"  he  demanded, 
seizing  Mr.  Whittleback  with  one  of  his 
brawny  hands.  "  Fightin',  be  ye.  In  a  publick 
place?  We'll  attend  to  ye.  Ye're  under  ar- 
rest." \ 

It  was  Mr.  Dunagan's  rule  always  to  arrest 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       91 

the  first  man  he  saw,  and  Mr.  Whittleback  had 
been  the  unfortunate  one  upon  this  occasion. 

"Who  are  you?"  angrily  demanded  Mr. 
Whittleback. 

"  Who  be  I?  Who  do  you  suppose  I  be  but 
an  officer  of  the  Law  whose  duty  'tis  to  uphold 
the  Law.     Come  along." 

"Where's  your  uniform?"  inquired  Mr. 
Costalne,  who  was  struggling  hard  to  keep  his 
place  near  Mr.  Whittleback. 

"  Who  be  ye  to  be  askin'  such  questions  of 
an  officer  of  the  Law?  Is  a  man  any  less  an 
officer  without  his  uniform,  I'd  like  to  know?  " 

"  Officer,"  interposed  Mr.  Hatwell,  "  I  de- 
mand that  you  arrest  this  man  Immediately." 

"  He's  under  arrest  now.  Come  along  with 
you,"  giving  Mr.  Whittleback  another  vigorous 
pull. 

"  Sir,"  exclaimed  that  gentleman,  "  I'll  be 
blessed  if  you  aren't  making  a  mistake,  that's 
the  man,  sir,  that  sharper  there." 

"  Ah,  none  of  your  swearin'  to  an  officer  of  the 
Law,  come  along  with  ye  till  I  take  ye  over  to 


92       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Justice  Trim,"  and  before  Mr.  Whittleback  or 
Mr.  Costaine  could  offer  another  word  of  pro- 
test, Mr.  Dunagan  led  his  prisoner  out  of  the 
hotel  and  down  the  street  toward  Justice  Trim's 
Court  Room,  followed  by  Mr.  Costaine,  Mr. 
Hatwell,  and  the  crowd,  which  grew  larger  as 
they  passed  along. 

When  they  arrived  at  the  Court  Room  the 
judge  was  not  there.  Although  only  a  Justice 
of  thef  Peace,  Justice  Trim  was  a  martinet  on 
all  questions  relating  to  the  majesty  of  the 
Law,  and  would  never  open  his  court  a  moment 
earlier  than  the  Supreme  Court  was  opened. 
At  last,  after  the  interested  parties  had  waited 
nearly  half  an  hour,  the  door  of  the  Justice's 
private  office  was  opened,  and  Justice  Trim 
emerged,  clad  in  his  black  gown,  and  ascended 
the  bench.  A  constable  made  solemn  procla- 
mation, bidding  all  persons  who  had  any  busi- 
ness to  do  with  the  Honorable  Court  of  Special 
Sessions  to  draw  near  and  give  their  attention 
and  they  should  be  heard.  Then  The  Court 
asked  Officer  Dunagan  whom  he  had. 

"  Your   Honor,"    replied    Mr.    Dunagan, — 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       93 

"  Ah,  I  beg  your  pardon,  the  Most  Honorable 
Court  of  Special  Sessions,  I've  got  a  man  here  as 
was  guilty  of  fightin'  in  a  publick  place." 

Justice  Trim  nodded  and  took  a  chew  of  to- 
bacco. 

"  The  prisoner  will  stand  up." 

Mr.  Whittleback  stood  up. 

"  Sir,  you  are  charged  with  the  crime  of  being 
disorderly;  how  do  you  plead,  guilty  or  not 
guilty?  " 

"  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  know  what  you  mean," 
replied  Mr.  Whittleback,  who  was  entirely  un- 
familiar with  court  procedure. 

"  No  swearing  in  this  Court,  sir,  sit  down." 

Mr.  Whittleback  sat  down  in  confusion. 

"  Are  you  the  complainant?  "  Justice  Trim  in- 
quired of  Mr.  Hatwell. 

"  Yes,  Your  Honor." 

"  You  will  please  address  this  Court  as  The 
Most  Honorable  Court  of  Special  Sessions." 

Mr.  Hatwell  bowed. 

"  State  your  complaint." 

Then  Mr.  Hatwell  stated  to  The  Most  Hon- 
orable Court  of  Special  Sessions  that  Mr.  Whit- 


94       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

tleback  had  made  an  assault  upon  him  in  the 
Hawk  Hotel  and  had  struck  him  and  for  this 
assault  had  been  arrested. 

"  I'll  be  blessed,"  interrupted  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,  "  if  this  isn't  the  worst  outrage  I  ever 
heard  of." 

"  Be  quiet,"  shouted  Justice  Trim,  pounding 
the  desk  with  his  gavel.  "  Officer,  do  you  cor- 
roborate this  man's  story?  " 

"Yes,  Your  Honor  —  beg  pardon.  The 
Most  Honorable  Court  of  Special  Sessions." 

"  Now,  sir,"  said  Justice  Trim,  turning  to  Mr. 
Whittleback,  "  stand  up  and  answer  only  what 
I  ask  you.  You  have  heard  what  these  men 
have  said?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Is  It  true?" 

Mr.  Whittleback  replied  he  would  be  blessed 
if  it  was. 

Justice  Trim  struck  the  desk  violently  with 
his  gavel. 

"  Sir,  if  I  hear  any  more  of  that  kind  of  talk 
from  you  I  will  commit  you  immediately.     I 


THE  "AMERICAN  COMEDY       95 

have  a  great  mind  to  commit  you  now  as  it  is 
for  contempt  of  court." 

"Judge,"  interposed  Mr.  Costaine,  coming 
to  Mr.  Whittleback's  relief,  "  this  is  the  Hon. 
Nathaniel  Whittleback  of  Sky  View.  He  isn't 
the  guilty  party.  The  officer  got  the  wrong 
man." 

"  Sit  down!  "  exclaimed  Justice  Trim  fiercely. 
"  Don't  you  dare  to  address  this  Court  without 
permission.  Now,  sir,"  he  continued,  turning 
to  Mr.  Whittleback,  who  expected  to  be  locked 
up  at  any  minute,  "  you  are  charged  with  a  very 
serious  crime  against  the  Law  of  the  land. 
You  have  pleaded  not  guilty.  I  must  give  you 
a  trial.  The  Law  says  you  are  entitled  to 
counsel.     Have  you  any  counsel?  " 

Mr.  Whittleback  replied  he  did  not  have 
counsel  there  but  he  had  a  lawyer  at  home. 

Justice  Trim  again  struck  the  desk  violently 
with  his  gavel. 

"  You  must  understand  once  and  for  all  that 
you  are  to  address  the  Court  every  time  you 
open  your  mouth.  I  will  not  tell  you  this 
again." 


96       THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Mr.  Whittleback,  who  could  not  understand 
what  he  had  done  to  provoke  the  Court's  anger, 
wanted  to  apologize  but  did  not  dare  to  make 
another  remark. 

"  The  Law  says  you  are  entitled  to  Counsel," 
Justice  Trim  continued,  "  and  that  you  are  to 
be  given  an  adjournment  for  that  purpose. 
Now  do  you  want  counsel?  " 

"  Yes,  Your  Honorable  Court." 

"  I  will  give  you  what  I  have  to  give  you 
and  no  more,  for  your  conduct  is  very  repre- 
hensible. We  will  take  an  adjournment  until 
two  o'clock,  and  if  your  counsel  is  not  here  by 
that  time  I  will  assign  counsel  and  proceed  with 
the  trial.     Officer,  remove  the  prisoner." 


CHAPTER  XIV 

PRECISELY  at  two  o'clock  Justice  Trim 
again  assumed  his  official  robe,  and  order- 
ing his  constable  to  announce  him,  issued  forth 
from  his  private  room  and  ascended  the  bench 
with  all  the  pomp  attendant  upon  the  opening 
of  the  Supreme  Court. 

Since  the  morning  recess  the  news  had  spread 
through  the  village  like  wildfire  that  a  very 
celebrated  stranger  was  on  trial.  It  had  cre- 
ated great  excitement.  Merchants  left  their 
stores  to  attend  Court,  and  inquisitive  matrons 
hurried  through  their  dinners  to  see  the  famous 
criminal,  for  in  some  parts  of  town  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback  was  represented  as  a  notorious  criminal 
who  had  committed  numerous  depredations  in 
various  cities  and  was  to  be  defended  by  dis- 
tinguished counsel  from  out  of  town.  School 
boys  played  truant  to  see  the  fun,  and  old  men 
who  had  not  been  out  of  the  house  for  weeks 
exposed  themselves  to  the  severe  winter  weather 

97 


98        THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

in  order  to  be  present.  The  result  was  that 
the  Court  Room  was  crowded,  and  Justice  Trim 
saw  a  favorable  opportunity  for  impressing  this 
mass  of  humanity  with  the  majesty  of  the  Law. 

In  a  few  minutes  Officer  Dunagan  again 
brought  Mr.  Whittleback  before  the  court. 
Great  was  the  general  surprise  and  disappoint- 
ment when  the  audience  saw,  instead  of  a  hard- 
ened criminal,  a  very  respectable  looking  man, 
very  ill  at  ease,  however,  and  embarrassed  be- 
yond expression  at  the  humiliating  position  in 
which  he  found  himself. 

Justice  Trim  struck  the  desk  a  violent  blow 
with  his  gavel  and  inquired  if  Mr.  Whittleback's 
counsel  was  present. 

"  No,  your  Most  Honorable  Court  of  Special 
Sessions,"  replied  Mr.  Dunagan,  now  resplen- 
dent in  a  blue  uniform  with  brass  buttons,  "  but 
he's  sent  to  his  counsel  for  to  come  and  he'll  be 
here  shortly." 

Then  a  murmur  ran  through  the  crowd,  as 
Mr.  Tubbmann  slowly  made  his  way  through 
the  Court  Room  and  at  last  stood  before  the 
bench.     Mr.     Tubbmann    bowed    slightly    to 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY       99 

Justice  Trim,  and  slowly  removing  his  great 
coat,  turned  and  surveyed  the  audience.  He 
enjoyed  an  audience. 

"  Your  Honor,"  he  at  length  began,  raising 
his  right  hand  to  a  level  with  his  head  and 
then  rapidly  drawing  it  across  his  mouth,  "  I 
have  just  arrived  and  I  would  like  a  few  minutes 
to  confer  with  my  client." 

"  Counselor,  I  will  give  you  no  time  at  all.  I 
also  choose  to  be  addressed  as  The  Most  Hon- 
orable Court  of  Special  Sessions." 

*'  The  Most  Honorable  Court  of  Special 
Sessions,"  said  Mr.  Tubbmann  in  a  sarcastic 
tone,  *'  I  would  move  for  an  adjournment  for 
one  week." 

"  No  adjournment  will  be  granted.  Counselor. 
The  trial  will  be  continued  immediately." 

While  this  colloquy  had  been  in  progress 
another  figure  had  made  its  way  through  the 
crowd  and  now  approached  the  bench. 

"  Counselor,"  said  Justice  Trim,  turning  to 
Mr.  Tubbmann,  "  this  is  Mr.  Blother  who  will 
represent  the  People :  Mr.  Blother,  the  counsel 
for  the  defendant." 


loo     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Mr.  Tubbman  condescended  to  nod. 

"  They  had  to  go  out  of  town  to  get  a  lawyer 
to  defend  this  case,"  remarked  Mr.  Blother  by 
way  of  parenthesis.  He  was  a  little  man  with 
a  freckled  face  and  a  thick  head  of  black  hair 
which  was  parted  in  the  middle. 

"  Will  The  Most  Honorable  Court  of  Spe- 
cial Sessions  allow  me  to  see  the  complaint 
against  my  client?^'  inquired  Mr.  Tubbmann. 

Justice  Trim  handed  Mr.  Tubbmann  the  com- 
plaint. 

"  I  move  to  dismiss  this  complaint,"  Mr. 
Tubbmann  continued,  after  looking  it  over 
hastily,  "  first,  on  the  ground  that  the  place  of 
residence  of  the  complaining  witness  is  not 
given;  second,  on  the  ground  that  it  charges  the 
defendant  with  assault  in  the  first  degree,  a 
crime  which  this  Court  has  no  jurisdiction  to 
try;  and  third,  on  the  ground  that  the  arrest 
was  not  made  by  an  officer  in  uniform." 

"  Counselor,"  said  Justice  Trim,  after  some 
moments  of  deliberation,  "  your  last  ground  is 
the  only  one  with  any  merit.  You  may  discuss 
that." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      loi 

Although  It  had  no  merit  from  a  legal  stand- 
point, Mr.  Tubbmann  delivered  a  lengthy  argu- 
ment in  support  of  it,  to  which  Mr.  Blother  re- 
plied with  much  vehemence,  in  the  midst  of 
which  Justice  Trim  turned  to  Policeman  Duna- 
gan  and  wanted  to  know  why  he  should  be  seen 
upon  the  street  without  his  uniform  any  more 
than  he.  Justice  Trim,  should  ascend  the  bench 
without  his  gown,  and  declared  that  Mr.  Duna- 
gan  had  been  associated  with  the  Court  long 
enough  to  know  that  his  first  duty  was  to  up- 
hold  the  majesty  of  the  Law. 

"  But  nevertheless,  Counselor,"  he  continued, 
turning  to  Mr.  Tubbmann,  "  I  will  deny  your 
motion.  Mr.  Blother,  you  may  proceed  with 
your  case." 

Mr.  Blother  then  began  to  open  his  case  to 
the  Most  Honorable  Court  of  Special  Sessions, 
and  did  so  by  starting  off  on  a  wild  gallop  of 
words  against  Mr.  Whittleback,  declaring  that 
he  was  a  man  dangerous  to  the  community,  and 
should  be  lodged  in  a  secure  place  where  he 
would  not  be  able  to  attack  peaceful  citizens  in 
the  enjoyment  of  their  rights. 


102     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  The  trouble  with  that  man,"  remarked  Mr. 
Tubbmann,  addressing  the  audience,  "  is  that 
he  can't  keep  his  tongue  from  running  away  with 
him." 

The  audience  applauded,  and  Justice  Trim 
pounded  the  desk  with  his  gavel  and  threatened 
to  clear  the  room.  But  Mr.  Blother  was  so 
confused  that  he  cut  short  his  opening  abruptly 
and  called  as  his  first  witness  Mr.  Hatwell. 

"  Your  Honor,"  interposed  Mr.  Tubbmann, 
"  we  demand  a  trial  by  jury." 

"  You  have  waived  your  right  to  a  jury  trial. 
Counselor,  by  proceeding  thus  far  before  the 
Court.     Proceed,  Mr.  Blother." 

Mr.  Tubbmann  took  an  exception  and  Mr. 
Blother  endeavored  to  proceed,  but  his  progress 
was  not  rapid  because  of  the  objections  which 
Mr.  Tubbmann  made  to  almost  every  question 
he  asked.  Wearied  by  these  interruptions,  he 
appealed  to  the  Court  for  relief. 

"  What  is  the  meaning  of  all  this.  Coun- 
selor? "  inquired  Justice  Trim  angrily. 

"  It  means  that  he  will  have  a  hard  matter 
to  prove  his  case.     I  once  won  a  very  important 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      103 

case,  sir,  against  the  present  Attorney  General 
of  the  State  by  just  such  a  procedure  as  this." 

The  audience  leaned  forward  and  took  a 
greater  interest  in  Mr.  Tubbmann  than  ever. 

Mr.  Blother,  who  had  been  struggling  to 
keep  his  tongue  from  going  off  upon  another 
gallop  of  words,  now  gave  up  the  struggle 
and  the  tongue  addressed  the  Court  with  great 
vehemence  on  the  justice  of  the  Law. 

"  Whittleback,"  said  Mr.  Tubbmann  to  his 
astonished  client,  when  the  tongue  had  at  last 
been  brought  to  a  halt  by  the  aid  of  Justice 
Trim's  gavel,  "  he's  one  of  those  upstarts  I  told 
you  about." 

Mr.  Blother  was  so  disconcerted  by  these 
tactics  of  his  adversary,  that,  after  proving  a 
prima  facie  case  of  assault  against  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback, he  concluded  his  examination  of  the 
witness  abruptly  and  turned  him  over  to  Mr. 
Tubbmann   for   cross-examination. 

Mr.  Tubbmann  started  in  to  make  Mr.  Hat- 
well  unpopular  with  the  audience,  and  he  suc- 
ceeded beyond  his  fondest  expectations.  Be- 
fore he  had  gone  far  with  his  cross-examination 


104     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

the  audience  was  Informed  from  the  witness's 
own  lips  that  he  was  a  professional  gambler,  a 
convicted  thief,  and  that  he  had  struck  Mr. 
Whittleback  in  the  Hawk  Hotel  that  morning, 
but  he  insisted  that  Mr.  Whittleback  had  struck 
him  first.  That  he  was  the  man  who  had  ob- 
tained fifty  dollars  from  Mr.  Whittleback  as 
the  alleged  representative  of  the  Portraiture 
Magazine  he  vigorously  denied. 

One  secret  of  Mr.  Tubbmann's  popularity 
with  the  audience  was  the  fact  that  he  constantly 
gave  it  something  new.  Before  finishing  his 
cross-examination  he  stopped  and  asked  per- 
mission to  tell  a  story.  Justice  Trim  answered 
by  striking  the  desk  violently  with  his  gavel 
and  declaring  with  emphasis  that  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann  could  not  be  aware  of  the  great  dignity 
of  the  Court  in  which  the  case  was  on  trial. 

"  Sir,"  replied  Mr.  Tubbmann,  raising  his 
right  hand  to  a  level  with  his  head  and  draw- 
ing it  rapidly  across  his  mouth,  "  I  am  a  lawyer 
of  thirty  years'  experience  at  the  Bar,  I  have 
practiced  before  some  of  the  most  distinguished 
judges  In  the  country,  but  I  have  never  seen  a 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      lo^ 

Court  whose  dignity  there  was  less  danger  of 
lowering." 

The  audience  chuckled  with  glee,  but  before 
Justice  Trim  had  time  to  see  the  irony  of  the 
remark,  Mr.  Tubbmann  straightened  himself 
up  to  his  full  height  and  exclaimed  dramatically: 

"  The  Most  Honorable  Court  of  Special 
Sessions." 

Everybody  leaned  forward  eagerly  to  hear 
what  was  coming  next. 

'*  I  move  that  you  immediately  commit  this 
complainant  to  the  county  jail  to  await  the  action 
of  the  Grand  Jury." 

The  interested  parties  were  so  nonplussed 
by  this  latest  move  that  it  was  some  moments 
before  Justice  Trim  could  find  words  to  In- 
quire: 

"  On  what  ground.  Counselor?  " 

"  He  has  committed  perjury." 

"In  what  part  of  his  testimony?" 

"  He  has  testified  here  under  oath  that  he 
struck  this  defendant.  In  his  verified  complaint 
he  swore  that  he  neither  provoked  the  assault 
nor  at  any  time  struck  the  defendant.     He  has 


io6     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

therefore  sworn  falsely  to  a  material  fact, 
which,  as  the  Court  knows,  is  perjury." 

In  Justice  Trim's  opinion  this  motion  raised  a 
very  important  legal  question,  upon  which  he 
condescended  to  ask  the  counsel  to  enlighten  him 
by  argument. 

"  I  think  it  is  too  plain  to  need  any  argu- 
ment," said  Mr.  Tubbmann. 

"  Very  well,"  said  Justice  Trim  in  high  dud- 
geon. "  Mr.  Blother,  have  you  anything  to 
say?" 

Mr.  Blother,  like  his  client,  had  begun  to  feel 
more  and  more  uncomfortable,  but,  thus  bidden, 
he  replied  that  this  was  the  most  ridiculous  mo- 
tion he  had  ever  heard.  There  were  decisions 
of  the  highest  courts  which  held  that  false  swear- 
ing was  not  always  perjury.  This  was  one  of 
those  cases.  He  said  he  would  cite  some  of 
them,  but  forgot  to  do  so,  and  again  addressed 
the  Court  on  the  justice  of  the  Law. 

"  Counselor,"  shouted  Justice  Trim,  checking 
the  tongue  when  in  full  career  by  the  vigorous 
use  of  his  gavel,  "  the  Court  has  been  sufficiently 
enlightened.     I  will  deny  the  motion." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      107 

As  the  trial  had  already  consumed  nearly 
three  hours  and  as  there  seemed  little  prospect 
of  concluding  it  that  day,  Mr.  Tubbmann  now 
renewed  his  application  for  an  adjournment. 
"  I  have  an  appointment  with  the  President  of 
the  United  States  the  day  after  to-morrow,"  he 
said,  "  and  I  must  leave  for  Washington  to- 
morrow morning." 

"  No  adjournment  will  be  granted,  Coun- 
selor," replied  Justice  Trim.  "  This  case  will 
be  finished  if  it  takes  all  night." 

"  Very  well,"  said  Mr.  Tubbmann.  "  We  will 
waive  further  examination  and  give  bail  to  ap- 
pear before  the  Grand  Jury.  I  think  this  whole 
matter  will  bear  investigation  by  that  body." 

This  proceeding  did  not  please  Mr.  Blother, 
for  he  held  a  hasty  conference  with  his  client, 
and  then  announced: 

'*  In  view  of  my  client's  pressing  business  en- 
gagements, he  will  withdraw  his  complaint  and 
consent  that  the  defendant  be  discharged." 

"  Very  well,"  said  Justice  Trim  with  relief. 
"  The  complaint  is  withdrawn  and  the  defendant 
is  discharged.     Mr.  Whittleback,  you  may  go." 


io8      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  Not  just  yet,"  interposed  Mr.  Tubbmann, 
turning  to  his  client.  "  Now,  sir,"  he  continued, 
addressing  Justice  Trim,  "  I  renew  my  motion 
to  have  this  complainant  held  to  await  the  ac- 
tion of  the  Grand  Jury.  I  shall  also  take  proper 
proceedings  in  the  civil  courts  to  redress  my 
client  for  his  false  imprisonment." 

This  motion  and  threat  of  civil  procedure 
gave  much  concern  to  Mr.  Blother  and  the 
Court,  and  evidently  had  a  most  disturbing  ef- 
fect upon  Mr.  Hatwell,  for  he  now  came  over 
to  Mr.  Tubbmann  and  inquired  in  a  whisper 
how  much  he  would  take  to  settle. 

"How  much  will  we  take  to  settle?"  re- 
peated Mr.  Tubbmann  aloud.  "  This  matter 
is  in  the  hands  of  the  Court,  but  you  got  fifty 
dollars  out  of  my  client  on  a  lie  and  I  have 
already  begun  suit  against  you  to  collect  It.  I 
will  serve  you  with  the  complaint  in  that  action 
now,"  and  he  handed  Mr.  Hatwell  the  com- 
plaint. "  You  can  settle  that  case  by  the  pay- 
ment of  that  fifty  dollars  and  the  fifty  dollars 
my  client  has  paid  me  to  collect  it.  If  you 
will  now  publicly  apologize  to  my  client  for  the 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      109 

occurrences  of  this  morning  I  will  advise  him, 
with  the  Court's  consent,  to  let  the  matter  end 
here." 

Mr.  Hatwell,  whose  business  engagements 
seemed  to  become  more  urgent  as  his  fear  of 
Mr.  Tubbmann  increased,  now  apologized  pro- 
fusely to  Mr.  Whittleback  for  the  annoyance 
he  had  caused  him  and  hoped  he  would  be  a 
good  sport  and  be  friends. 

"  We  receive  the  apology  whence  it  comes," 
said  Mr.  Tubbmann,  after  a  conference  with  his 
delighted  client.  "  Now  I  am  prepared  to  re- 
ceive one  hundred  dollars  from  you  for  which 
I  will  give  you  a  discontinuance  of  the  case 
of  Whittleback  vs.  Hatwell.  There  is  the  re- 
ceipt you  gave  Mr.  Whittleback  for  his  fifty 
dollars,"  he  continued,  laying  it  down  upon  the 
table.  "  I  brought  these  papers  along,"  he  re- 
marked in  a  parenthesis  to  the  audience,  "  when 
I  heard  whom  we  were  up  against." 

It  was  evident  Mr.  Hatwell  did  not  like  to 
pay  the  one  hundred  dollars.  Instead  of  pay- 
ing, he  asked  the  Court  if  there  was  any  further 
need  for  his  presence. 


no     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  There  Is  a  motion  before  the  Court," 
sternly  rephed  Justice  Trim,  whose  views  of 
the  case  had  changed  materially  in  the  last  few 
minutes.  "  That  motion  I  am  considering.  I 
have  not  heard  it  withdrawn." 

"What  is  it?"  asked  Mr.  Hatwell. 

"  You  will  address  the  Court,  sir  I  "  exclaimed 
Justice  Trim,  striking  the  desk  violently  with 
his  gavel. 

"  The  Most  Honorable  Court  of  Special 
Sessions,"  said  Mr.  Hatwell  humbly.  "  May 
I  inquire  what  is  the  motion?  " 

"  That  you  be  held  to  await  the  action  of  the 
Grand  Jury." 

"On  what  ground?" 

"  That  you  have  committed  perjury  here." 

"  Give  me  a  discontinuance  of  your  action," 
said  Mr.  Hatwell,  turning  abruptly  to  Mr. 
Tubbmann.     "  Here  Is  your  money." 

So  saying  he  handed  Mr.  Tubbmann  one  hun- 
dred dollars. 

"  Now,  Your  Honor,"  said  Mr.  Tubbmann, 
after  he  had  signed  a  discontinuance  and  handed 
It  to  Mr,  Hatwell,  "  with  the  Court's  permis- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      iii 

sion  we  withdraw  our  motion,  although  I  think 
this  case  should  be  presented  to  the  Grand  Jury 
on  general  principles." 

"  Perhaps,"  remarked  Justice  Trim.  "  But 
remember,  gentlemen,  this  is  a  court  of  justice. 
The  motion  is  withdrawn.  The  Court  is  ad- 
journed." 


CHAPTER  XV 

THE  campaign  in  Sky  View  was  on  in  earn- 
est. The  Democrats  were  not  going  to 
let  the  Republicans  win  if  they  could  help  it. 
They  nominated  candidates  for  President  and 
village  Trustees.  Mr.  Whittleback  expected 
the  Democrats  would  indorse  him,  but  Mr. 
Scouten  declared  this  impossible,  for  even 
though  Mr.  Whittleback  was  conceded  to  be 
an  honest  man,  still  he  was  a  Republican  and 
the  Democrats  must  maintain  their  Party. 
The  Democratic  County  Organization  opened 
up  headquarters  in  the  village,  levied  contribu- 
tions from  its  candidates,  and  began  what  was 
called  a  campaign  of  education,  by  public  meet- 
ings, press  advertisements,  circulars  and  per- 
sonal letters.  The  Republicans  admitted  there 
had  been  wholesale  corruption  in  their  Party 
and  in  the  village  government.  Were  the  peo- 
ple going  to  put  the  Republicans  In  office  again? 
Mr.  Whittleback  was  a  good  man,  but  he  was 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      113 

in  bad  company.  He  had  been  nominated  as  a 
last  hope  of  saving  the  ticket.  The  Republi- 
can candidates  for  Trustees  were  Organization 
men.  Did  the  people  imagine  that  any  but 
Organization  men  would  be  appointed  to  office 
under  a  Republican  administration?  The  only 
safe  thing  to  do  was  to  get  the  Republicans  out 
of  village  affairs  altogether  by  electing  the 
Democratic  ticket. 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  now  to  see  the  advan- 
tage of  having  the  support  of  the  Republican 
Organization,  said  Mr.  Scouten.  That  honor- 
able body  threw  itself  into  the  conflict  with  all 
the  ardor  that  came  from  long  experience  in 
political  campaigns.  It  opened  up  headquar- 
ters in  Mr.  Satterley's  hotel;  there  were  free 
lunches  and  free  cigars  and  an  open  bottle  for 
all  who  chose  to  come,  and  Mr.  Windy,  as 
Chairman  of  the  Entertainment  Committee, 
made  things  so  pleasant  and  attractive  that 
many  citizens  did  come.  Mr.  Harker  took 
charge  of  the  publicity  bureau  and  "  opened 
up  "  on  the  Democrats  in  no  uncertain  manner. 
What  guarantee  had  the  people  that  the  Demo- 


114     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

crats  would  do  any  better  at  running  the  vil- 
lage government  of  Sky  View  than  they  had 
done  in  Gilead,  where  in  one  year  under  Dem- 
ocratic administration  taxes  had  been  increased 
twenty-five  per  cent  as  a  result  of  mismanage- 
ment and  dishonesty?  The  difference  between 
the  Republicans  and  the  Democrats  was  that 
the  Republicans  admitted  their  mistakes  but  the 
Democrats  did  not  have  sense  enough  to  do 
so.  The  Republicans  were  pledged  to  do  cer- 
tain definite  things.  Who  could  ever  tell  what 
the  Democrats  would  do?  They  were  likely 
to  do  anything.  Under  the  last  Democratic 
administration  in  Sky  View  the  tax  rate  had  in- 
creased and  not  a  public  improvement  had  been 
made.  Had  the  Democrats  forgotten  that? 
Very  likely.  But  the  voters  would  not  forget 
it  on  election  day.  Did  the  people  want  a 
pledge  of  Republican  sincerity?  Their  candi- 
date stood  pledged  to  the  passage  of  an  ordi- 
nance giving  the  people  the  right  to  vote  out 
of  office  any  office  holder  who  did  not  do  his 
duty.  What  better  protection  did  the  Public 
want? 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      115 

So    the    conflict    began.     The    Republicans 
contradicted  the  statements  of  the  Democrats, 
and  the  Democrats  laughed  at  the  statements 
of  the   Republicans.     The   Republican  Organ- 
ization  of  the  State  was  the  most  tyrannical 
political   organization  in   the   country   and  the 
Poquogg  County  Republican  Organization  was 
a  part  of  It.     The  Democratic  Organization  of 
the  State  was  the  most  corrupt  political  Organ- 
ization in  the  world,  and  the  Democratic  Or- 
ganization in   Poquogg  County  was  under  its 
control.     Who   started  the  practice  of  buying 
votes      in      the      county?     The      Republicans: 
Would  they  deny  that?     The  only  reason  the 
Democrats  did  not  buy  votes  was  that  they  had 
no  money.     The  Democratic  candidates  were 
honest  men.    Did  anybody  question  the  Integrity 
of  Nathaniel  Whittleback,  who  was  the  son  of 
the  county's  most  honored  citizen  and  a  chip  off 
the  old  block?     The  pictures  of  the  rival  can- 
didates adorned   the  windows   of  every  store. 
Trees   and   fences   were   decorated  with   them 
and  with  Injunctions  to  the  voters  to  remember 


ii6     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

the  candidates  at  the  polls.  Every  citizen  was 
written  to  and  interviewed. 

After  this  had  gone  on  a  week  or  more  it 
was  not  surprising  that  Mr.  Scouten's  lieuten- 
ants reported  to  their  chief  that  the  people  were 
at  last  thoroughly  aroused  to  the  fact  that  a 
vigorous  conflict  was  being  carried  on  by  the 
rival  Parties  to  win  their  votes,  and  that  the 
campaign  had  awakened  more  interest  than 
any  other  campaign  of  recent  years. 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  made  aware  of  the 
Public's  interest  in  no  uncertain  manner.  He 
was  kept  busy  from  morning  till  night  receiv- 
ing applicants  for  positions;  answering  letters 
containing  congratulations  and  advice,  requests 
for  passes  on  the  railroad,  free  theater  tickets 
and  financial  assistance.  A  delegation  from  a 
local  Association  of  working  men  demanded 
that  he  pledge  himself  to  increase  the  rate  of 
wages  and  lessen  the  hours  of  labor,  or  the 
Association  would  not  support  him  at  the  polls. 
The  local  Liquor  Dealers'  Association,  aroused 
by  the  unusual  political  activity,  demanded  to 
know  his  attitude  on  the  liquor  question.     A 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      117 

man  whose  house  was  mortgaged  wrote  him 
that  the  mortgage  was  about  to  be  foreclosed, 
and  asked  that  he  do  something  to  prevent  such 
a  catastrophe,  adding  by  way  of  inducement 
that  the  writer  controlled  three  votes  beside 
his  own.  A  delegation  of  women  representing 
the  local  officers  of  the  National  Anti-Epicu- 
rean League  called  upon  him  and  asked  about 
his  attitude  on  the  temperance  question,  and 
demanded  that  he  pledge  himself  against  the 
sale  of  liquor  in  Sky  View  and  the  country 
generally.  Mr.  Whittleback  listened  to  the  de- 
mands of  the  delegation  with  great  deference 
and  patience,  and  then  replied  that  he  would  be 
blessed  if  he  would  not  do  anything  in  his 
power  to  aid  the  cause  of  humanity  and  good 
government.  After  again  stating  their  views, 
and  giving  Mr.  Whittleback  some  sage  advice, 
the  delegation  departed,  its  members  in  doubt 
as  to  what  sort  of  a  man  he  was,  but  firmly  con- 
vinced that  in  making  their  visit  they  had  per- 
formed a  very  necessary  duty. 

Mr.   Tubbmann  condescended  to  make  but 
one    suggestion    in    regard    to   the    campaign: 


ii8     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

That  it  be  closed  with  a  flourish.  Mr.  Scoutcn 
and  The  Organization  adopted  the  suggestion, 
and  the  result  was  that  the  doings  upon  the  day 
before  election  surpassed  anything  the  citizens 
of  the  village  had  ever  before  witnessed.  A 
general  holiday  was  proclaimed  and  everybody 
was  Invited  to  take  part  in  a  grand  demonstra- 
tion in  honor  of  Mr.  Whittleback,  "  Our  dis- 
tinguished fellow  townsman,  the  friend  of 
liberty  and  representative  government."  There 
was  a  parade  of  the  school  children,  there  were 
banners  and  flags,  there  was  music  by  the  vil- 
lage band,  there  were  speeches  by  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann  and  Mr.  Scouten,  and,  best  of  all,  there 
was  a  banquet,  to  which  everybody  was  invited, 
served  in  the  Town  Hall.  All  day  long  Mr. 
Whittleback  was  busy  meeting  voters  and  vot- 
ers' wives  and  voters'  children,  and  giving 
hearty  handshakes  and  bland  smiles,  and  mak- 
ing nice  speeches.  Just  to  have  the  pleasure  of 
meeting  such  a  fine  lot  of  people  was  worth  all 
the  trouble  of  running  for  office.  The  best 
people  in  the  world  were  in  Sky  View,  and  the 
children  —  how   healthy  they  were,   and  how 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      119 

bright  in  their  studies.  Mr.  Whittleback  had 
heard  good  reports  of  them.  The  children 
spoke  well  for  their  parents,  their  mothers  es- 
pecially. It  was  too  bad  the  mothers  could 
not  vote,  declared  Mr.  Scouten,  for  it  would  be 
a  shame  to  have  a  man  like  Mr.  Whittleback 
defeated.  How  democratic  he  was.  There 
was  nothing  stuck-up  about  him.  He  was  one 
of  the  people  and  as  honest  as  the  day  was 
long. 

When,  at  last,  the  day  was  over,  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  supposed  his  labors  for  the  campaign  were 
ended,  but  Mr.  Scouten  said  he  must  be  around 
when  the  polls  opened.  Mr.  Whitdeback, 
therefore,  was  up  bright  and  early  the  next 
morning  and  went  with  Mr.  Scouten  to  Mr. 
Satterley's  hotel,  where  he  exhibited  himself  to 
the  early  voters  on  their  way  to  the  polls.  Mr. 
Scouten  held  a  private  audience  with  his  lieu- 
tenants, gave  each  a  roll  of  bills  and  a  box  of 
cigars,  fixed  the  maximum  price  which  was  to 
be  paid  for  a  vote,  and  bade  them  go  to  their 
respective   election  districts. 

It  was  a  day  of  hard  work  for  the  lieuten- 


I20      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

ants,  for  it  was  their  business  to  "  bring  out  the 
vote."  Those  who  did  not  vote  early  were 
sent  for.  There  were  carriages  for  the  old 
and  infirm.  There  were  arguments  for  those 
who  yet  needed  to  be  convinced.  There  were 
cigars  for  everybody;  and  there  were  private 
interviews  with  those  citizens  who  needed  more 
substantial  inducements  than  Party  loyalty  to 
vote  the  Party  ticket.  Both  sides  were  active; 
both  were  well  organized;  both  kept  up  the 
fight  until  the  polls  closed.  At  last  that  happy 
hour  arrived,  the  votes  were  counted,  and  Mr. 
Whittleback  was  found  elected  President  of  Sky 
View  by  the  largest  majority  ever  before  given 
any  candidate  for  President  in  the  village's 
history. 

When  this  news  was  brought  to  the  Post 
Office  Mr.  Scouten  gave  Mr.  Whittleback  his 
heartiest  handshake  and  congratulated  him 
upon  his  victory.  The  members  of  The  Or- 
ganization came  in  and  offered  their  congratu- 
lations and  reminded  him  of  their  promise  to 
elect  him;  it  had  been  a  hard  fight,  but  they  had 
won   and   the   country  had  been   saved.     The 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      121 

lieutenants  hastily  secured  the  services  of  the 
village  band,  gathered  a  great  crowd  of  en- 
thusiastic partisans,  marched  to  the  Post  Of- 
fice, brought  Mr.  Whittleback.  forth,  and 
placing  him  upon  the  shoulders  of  four  husky 
admirers,  the  whole  throng  marched  up  Main 
Street,  shouting  and  singing,  and  hailing  Mr. 
Whittleback  as  a  conquering  hero,  who  had 
triumphed  over  the  enemies  of  the  people  and 
given  the  Democrats  the  worst  beating  they 
ever  had. 

Mr.  Whittleback's  triumph  and  the  triumph 
of  his  Party  was  complete.  The  Democrats 
were  completely  routed.  The  celebration  fes- 
tivities were  carried  on  until  midnight,  but  no 
Democrat  was  abroad,  and  no  man  who  ap- 
peared upon  the  streets  that  night  would  admit 
he  was  not  a  Republican  or  that  he  had  ever 
been  or  would  ever  be  a  member  of  any  other 
than  the  Republican  Party. 

It  had  been  a  hard  campaign  for  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,  for  he  was  unused  to  the  exactions  of 
political  conflict.  But  as  the  Alpine  climber, 
toiling  for  many  days  up  the  steep  ascents,  at 


122      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

last  reaches  the  coveted  summit  and  there  for- 
gets the  hardships  of  the  journey  in  the  pleasure 
of  the  victory,  so  Mr.  Whittleback  forgot  the 
difficulties  of  his  political  journey  in  the  joy  of 
being  the  official  representative  of  the  people 
and  an  "  Hon."  as  well.  For  thenceforth, 
when  mentioned  in  the  press  or  when  addressed 
officially,  he  was  "  The  Hon.  Nathaniel  Whit- 
tleback," but  by  the  people  he  was  always 
called  "  Nat  Whittleback." 


CHAPTER  XVI 

4CTT  7ILL  the  Board  of  Trustees  come  to 
VV  order." 

It  was  Mr.  Whittleback's  first  official  utter- 
ance since  his  election.  He  and  his  associates 
had  taken  their  oaths  of  office  and  were  now  to 
hold  their  first  meeting. 

The  Board  did  come  to  order,  and  the  crowd 
of  interested  citizens  which  filled  every  inch  of 
available  space  in  the  Board  of  Trustees'  room 
in  the  Municipal  Building  stopped  smoking  and 
talking  and  listened  intently. 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  making  a  speech:  He 
wanted  to  thank  his  fellow  townsmen  for  elect- 
ing him  President.  If  he  were  an  orator  he 
could  tell  them  in  words  how  great  an  honor 
he  considered  they  had  done  him,  but  he  was 
not  an  orator,  he  was  just  a  plain  citizen.  He 
would  try  to  conduct  the  Public's  business  as 
he  conducted  his  own  business,  by  being  honest 
in  all  matters  and  by  considering  what  was  for 

123 


124     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

the  interest  of  all  the  people.  He  had  promised 
before  election  to  do  certain  things  to  improve 
conditions,  and  in  this  work  he  had  no  doubt 
the  members  of  the  Board  who  belonged  to 
the  opposing  Party  would  co-operate. 

When  the  applause  ended  the  regular  busi- 
ness proceeded.  Mr.  Whittleback  appointed 
the  various  committees,  and  then  the  Board 
took  up  the  matter  of  filling  the  appointive 
offices.  There  had  been  so  many  applicants 
for  these  positions  and  Mr.  Whittleback  had 
been  so  perplexed  as  to  who  were  best  fitted 
to  fill  them,  that  at  Mr.  Scouten's  suggestion  he 
turned  the  whole  matter  over  to  The  Organi- 
zation. Mr.  Satterley  nominated  the  candi- 
dates The  Organization  had  selected,  and  the 
Democratic  members  made  nominations  from 
their  Party.  As  the  Board  was  evenly  divided, 
Mr.  Whittleback  cast  the  deciding  vote  in 
favor  of  The  Organization's  candidates. 

A  counsel  must  be  chosen  and  Mr.  Satterley 
nominated  Jerome  Alexander  Tubbmann. 
This  was  a  surprise  to  everybody,  for  Mr. 
Tubbmann  was  nominally  a  Democrat.     How- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      125 

ever,  the  Democrats  made  another  nomination, 
but  Mr.  Tubbmann  was  chosen. 

*'  Go  out  and  find  Mr.  Tubbmann,"  said 
Mr.  Whittleback  to  Policeman  Rafferty,  "  and 
tell  him  we  have  elected  him  village  counsel." 

Mr.  Tubbmann  was  evidently  within  a  con- 
venient distance,  for  in  a  few  minutes  he  was 
ushered  through  the  crowd  and  entered  the 
sacred  precincts  within  the  railing  where  the 
Board  was  in  session. 

"  Mr.  Tubbmann,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback, 
"  you  have  just  been  elected  corporation 
counsel." 

"  I  appreciate  the  honor,"  Mr.  Tubbmann 
replied,  and  took  his  seat  at  the  left  of  Mr. 
Whittleback. 

Various  resolutions  were  then  introduced  by 
the  Republican  members  to  provide  ways  of 
ending  the  abuses  which  Mr.  Whittleback  had 
found  existing  in  the  administrative  affairs  of 
the  village,  to  the  form  of  which  resolutions 
the  Democratic  members  objected,  and  there 
were  amendments  and  substitutes,  and  accusa- 
tions  of  "  playing  Politics "   and   fooling  the 


126     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Public  and  obstructing  the  Public's  business,  all 
of  which  seemed  to  delight  the  audience,  but 
at  last  the  resolutions  were  carried  as  originally 
proposed. 

Mr.  Whittleback  then  told  the  Board  that 
he  would  recommend  the  passage  of  an  ordi- 
nance compelling  the  Board  of  Trustees  upon 
the  petition  of  fifteen  per  cent  of  the  qualified 
voters  to  call  a  special  election  to  decide 
whether  any  office  holder  who  was  not  serving 
the  people  satisfactorily  should  be  longer  con- 
tinued in  office.  He  doubted  the  Board's  au- 
thority to  do  this,  however,  without  a  special 
Act  of  the  Legislature,  and  he  would  therefore 
ask  the  counsel  for  his  opinion. 

Mr.  Tubbmann  replied  that  it  would  be 
necessary  to  secure  an  Act  of  the  Legislature 
authorizing  the  Board  to  pass  such  an  ordinance. 
Mr.  Satterley  thereupon  moved  that  the  Presi- 
dent and  counsel  be  directed  to  go  to  the  Capi- 
tal and  to  endeavor  to  have  such  an  Act  passed. 
Much  to  the  surprise  of  Mr.  Whittleback,  the 
Democratic  members  opposed  this  resolution, 
also,  but  it  was  carried  by  a  party  vote. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      127 

Having  thus  completely  vanquished  the 
Democrats  on  all  points  and  redeemed  his  ante- 
election  pledges,  Mr.  Whittleback  said  that  if 
there  were  any  citizens  present  who  had  sug- 
gestions to  make  in  regard  to  public  affairs  he 
would  be  glad  to  hear  from  them. 

After  he  made  this  statement  he  was  sur- 
prised to  see  a  number  of  the  women  of  the  vil- 
lage making  their  way  through  the  crowd. 
They  were  under  the  command  of  a  very  deter- 
mined leader,  who  had  a  masculine  face,  coarse 
black  hair,  and  great  brawny  arms.  She 
boldly  entered  the  sacred  precincts  within  the 
railing  and  ordered  her  followers  to  do  like- 
wise. Ranging  them  in  a  row  at  the  foot  of 
the  Trustees'  table,  she  turned  to  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback and  exclaimed: 

"  I'm  Mrs.  Diggin,  President  of  the  Na- 
tional Anti-Epicurean  League,  and  these  women 
are  the  ofBcers  of  the  local  organization." 

Mr.  Whittleback  looked  at  the  seven  repre- 
sentatives of  the  National  Anti-Epicurean 
League  and  inquired  what  he  could  do  for  them. 

"  Do  for  us  I  "  replied  Mrs.  Diggin,  shaking 


128     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

her  fist.  "  You  know  well  enough  who  we  are 
and  what  you  can  do  for  us,  and  if  you  were  my 
husband  you'd  learn  in  double  quick  time." 

Mr.  Whittleback  congratulated  himself  then 
and  there  that  he  was  not  Mrs.  Diggin's  hus- 
band, but  remained  silent. 

"You're  a  Reformer,  aren't  you?  "  she  con- 
tinued. "  Why  don't  you  do  something  that 
needs  to  be  done  more  than  anything  you've 
mentioned  in  all  your  speeches?  You  know 
what  we  want  you  to  do:  Stop  the  sale  of 
whiskey.  Then  we'll  have  some  faith  in  your 
reform  business." 

"Shall  I  put  her  out?"  asked  Policeman 
Rafferty,  coming  forward  and  addressing  Mr. 
Whittleback. 

"Put  me  out!"  said  Mrs.  Diggin,  shaking 
her  fist  at  Mr.  Rafferty,  who  stopped  abruptly. 
"  Don't  you  dare  lay  your  hands  on  me." 

"  Rafferty,"  suggested  Mr.  Tubbmann, 
"  you  better  go  out  and  take  a  glass  or  two. 
You're  in  no  condition  to  put  them  out 
now." 

"  Who  are  you  to  be  telling  a  man  to  go  and 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      129 

get  a  drink  to  put  a  woman  out?  "  fiercely  de- 
manded Mrs.  Diggin,  turning  on  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann.  "  You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  your- 
self, and  if  you  were  my  husband  I'd  see  that 
you  were." 

"  Whittleback,"  remarked  Mr.  Tubbmann, 
*'  it  looks  as  though  this  woman  wanted  a  hus- 
band.     Can't  we  find  one  for  her?" 

"  Well  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  can  understand 
what  all  this  means  anyway,"  said  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback,  in  confusion  at  this  unusual  proceeding. 
"  Mr.   Rafferty,  please  maintain  order." 

The  audience  was  enjoying  this  latest  pro- 
ceeding so  much  that  with  the  laughing  and 
applauding  there  was  much  confusion. 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  this  means,"  Mrs.  Dig- 
gin continued  in  a  milder  tone,  when  quiet  was 
restored:  "Before  election  these  local  repre- 
sentatives of  the  League  called  upon  you  and 
asked  you  to  pledge  yourself  against  the  sale 
of  whiskey  and  you  then  stated  you  would  do 
anything  you  could  to  help  the  cause  of  good 
government  and  humanity.  Is  the  whiskey 
business  an  aid  to  good  government  or  human- 


I3C      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

ity?  Now  we  want  you  to  show  your  devotion 
to  the  cause  of  good  government  and  humanity 
by  passing  an  ordinance  prohibiting  the  sale  of 
whiskey  in  this  village." 

"  That  would  be  just  about  as  practical,"  in- 
terposed Mr.  Tubbmann,  "  as  what  a  Board  of 
Trustees  did  here  a  good  many  years  ago.  It 
was  at  the  time  kerosene  first  came  into  use. 
An  old  fellow  down  by  the  river  had  a  candle 
factory  and  the  kerosene  began  to  interfere 
with  his  business;  so  he  came  up  here  one  night 
and  asked  the  Board  to  pass  an  ordinance  pro- 
hibiting the  use  of  kerosene.  The  Board 
passed  the  ordinance  all  right,  gentlemen,  but 
it  didn't  stop  the  use  of  kerosene." 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  apparently  the  only 
one  who  took  Mrs.  Diggin  seriously,  for  he 
now  explained  to  her  that  the  sale  of  whiskey 
was  legalized  by  the  State  and  was  therefore 
something  over  which  the  local  authorities  had 
no  control,  and  no  matter  how  wrong  some 
people  might  consider  its  sale  to  be,  so  long  as 
the  law  permitted  its  sale  and  so  long  as  the 
majority  of  the  people  desired  it  to  be  sold, 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      131 

and  licensed  men  to  sell  it,  local  municipalities 
could  do  nothing. 

"  A  pretty  state  of  affairs,"  replied  Mrs. 
Diggin :  "  Saloons  to  make  drunkards  and 
Keeley  cures  to  cure  'em."  And  she  launched 
forth  into  a  violent  attack  upon  the  liquor  traf- 
fic, denouncing  it  as  an  enemy  of  the  Public  and 
a  wholesale  producer  of  crime  and  suffering. 
Once  or  twice  Policeman  Rafferty  endeavored 
to  stop  her  tirade  by  pounding  the  floor  lustily 
with  his  stick,  but  without  success,  for  she  was 
determined  to  have  her  say.  She  was  also  de- 
termined to  put  the  Board  on  record  on  the 
question,  for  at  the  conclusion  of  her  remarks 
she  presented  a  petition  from  the  women  of  the 
village  asking  the  Board  to  approve  a  Bill  then 
pending  before  the  Legislature  which  permitted 
the  people  to  say  by  their  votes  whether  or  not 
liquor  should  be  longer  sold  In  the  State. 

Although  both  Parties  were  divided  on  how 
to  manage  village  affairs,  they  were  united  In 
their  opposition  to  Mrs.  Diggin's  petition,  for 
It  would  not  be  "  good  Politics  "  for  either 
Party  to  approve  such  a  Bill.     After  a  hasty 


132      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

conference  It  was  decided  that  a  Republican 
should  make  the  motion  to  deny  the  petition 
and  that  a  Democrat  should  second  it. 

While  these  important  details  were  being  ar- 
ranged Mrs.  Diggin's  eagle  eye  caught  sight  of  a 
bottle  of  Mr.  Rafferty's  whiskey  through  the 
open  door  of  that  officer's  closet.  No  sooner 
was  the  motion  denying  the  petition  carried  than 
she  strode  across  the  room  and  pounced  upon 
the  bottle.  Then  holding  It  up  to  the  gaze  of 
the  audience  she  exclaimed:  "  No  wonder  we 
can't  get  anything  done  to  stop  the  sale  of 
it  when  they  have  It  right  by  them  all  the  time; 
no  wonder,"  she  continued,  brandishing  the 
bottle  above  her  head,  "  when  they  all  drink 
it,  lawyers,  politicians,  reformers  and  all. 
You  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourselves!  "  she 
shouted,  glaring  at  Mr.  Whittleback,  who  ex- 
pected to  see  the  bottle  fly  at  his  head  any  min- 
ute.    "You're  a  disgrace  to  the  country  1" 

So  saying,  she  sent  the  offending  bottle  crash- 
ing through  the  window,  and  shaking  her  fist 
at  Mr.  Whittleback  and  the  Board  of  Trustees 
strode  out  of  the  room  followed  by  her  six 
companions. 


CHAPTER  XVII 

WHEN  Mr.  Whittleback  came  out  of  the 
Post  Office  the  next  morning  a  woman's 
voice  greeted  him  with  a  cheery  good  morning, 
and  a  young  woman,  who  might  have  been 
anywhere  from  twenty-five  to  thirty  years  of 
age,  held  out  her  hand. 

"  I  am  Miss  Alnor,  the  new  school  princi- 
pal," she  said,  "  and  I  am  taking  the  liberty 
of  introducing  myself  to  the  District  Treas- 
urer." 

"  Glad  to  meet  you,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback, 
who  had  heard  of  the  new  principal,  but  had 
not  yet  met  her.  Sky  View  was  one  of  the  few 
places  in  the  State  that  still  had  a  woman 
principal  for  its  High  School.  By  her  friends 
Miss  Alnor  was  called  plain  in  appearance,  but 
with  her  ruddy  cheeks,  her  waving  brown  hair, 
and  her  keen  brown  eyes,  she  was  to  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback the  most  beautiful  woman  he  had  ever 
seen.     It  had  always  been  his  custom  to  send 

133 


134     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

each  of  the  teachers  her  monthly  pay  check 
by  mail,  but  he  then  and  there  decided  to 
abandon  this  custom  and  to  deliver  them  per- 
sonally to  the  principal. 

"  You're  too  good  looking  for  this  place," 
he  remarked  with  blunt  frankness,  after  star- 
ing at  her  for  he  did,  not  know  how  long;  "  we'll 
lose  our  principal  I'm  afraid,"  and  was  sur- 
prised at  himself  the  next  minute,  for  he  had 
never  made  such  a  remark  to  a  woman  before 
in  all  his  life. 

"  Ah,  Mr.  Whittleback,  I  am  honored.  But 
I  was  at  your  meeting  last  night.  Everybody 
seemed  to  be  there.  I  had  heard  so  much 
about  what  was  going  to  happen  that  I  couldn't 
stay  away.     I  congratulate  you." 

"  Thank  you,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback. 
"  More  happened  than  I  expected.  You 
weren't  one  of  the  —  visitors?" 

"  Do  you  think  the  principal  of  the  school 
would  join  in  a  demonstration  against  the  Dis- 
trict Treasurer?"  Inquired  Miss  Alnor,  inter- 
rupting  him.      "  When   do   you   start   for   the 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      135 

Capital?"  she  continued,  seeing  he  was  em- 
barrassed and  had  nothing  to  say. 

"  Some  day  this  week." 

"  I  tell  you  Sky  View  is  honored  in  honoring 
its  President.  We  need  more  men  like  you  in 
Politics,  Mr.  Whittleback.  It  seems  to  me 
you  were  the  only  man  in  the  Board  who  didn't 
have  an  axe  to  grind  last  night.  As  a  newly 
adopted  citizen  of  Sky  View  I  was  proud  of 
you." 

"  Thank  you,"  Mr.  Whittleback  managed  to 
reply;  "  I  am  glad  to  hear  you  say  it.  Of  all 
the  people  who  have  said  things  like  that  to  me 
lately  you  are  the  only  one  who  seems  to  mean 
it." 

"  Indeed?  But  do  you  expect  they  will  pass 
your  Bill?" 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback  with  vehe- 
mence, his  embarrassment  disappearing  in- 
stantly. "Why  shouldn't  they?  It's  a  good 
Bill.  Why  shouldn't  the  people  have  a  right 
to  do  what  that  Bill  gives  them,  power  to  do?  " 

"  Well,  don't  be  disappointed  if  it  isn't 
passed." 


136     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"What  do  you  know  about  it?" 

"  I  spent  four  years  at  the  Capital  and  I 
didn't  spend  all  my  time  in  school,  so  I  am  not 
entirely  unfamiliar  with  the  way  things  are 
done,"  and  there  was  a  twinkle  in  her  eye  as 
she   bowed   and   continued   up    Main   Street. 

"Why  won't  they  pass  it?"  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  called  after  her, 

"  Oh,"  she  called  back,  laughing,  "  not  be- 
cause it  isn't  a  good  Bill." 

Well,  he  thought,  it  was  not  a  bad  Bill. 
And  here  right  at  the  beginning  of  his  career 
this  young  woman,  who  had  so  much  confidence 
in  herself,  had  had  the  hardihood  to  tell  him 
that  his  Reform  measure  would  not  pass.  She 
would  see  how  much  a  woman  knew  about  pub- 
lic affairs.  But  she  was  proud  of  him  and  she 
had  been  at  Sky  View  since  September  and  he 
had  not  met  her.  What  a  fool  he  was.  At- 
tention to  public  affairs  gave  a  man  little  time 
for  social  duties,  but  he  would  find  it  conven- 
ient to  see  her  once  a  month  at  any  rate. 


CHAPTER  XVIII 

THE  most  important  accomplishments  in 
Politics  as  well  as  in  science  have  often 
come  from  small  beginnings.  The  visit  of  the 
Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback,  President  of  Sky 
View,  to  the  Capital  of  the  State  for  the  pur- 
pose of  securing  the  passage  of  a  law  giving  the 
citizens  of  his  village  the  right  to  vote  unfaith- 
ful public  servants  out  of  office  might  be  re- 
garded by  most  readers  as  a  very  commonplace 
affair.  To  tell  the  truth,  Mr.  Whittleback  did 
not  relish  his  task.  Little  did  he  think  he  would 
return  with  a  national  reputation  and  would 
show  the  people  of  the  United  States  a  way  to 
regain  their  lost  pow^er. 

At  the  earnest  solicitation  of  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,  Mr.  Scouten  consented  to  accompany 
him  and  Mr.  Tubbmann  on  their  mission.  It 
was  through  Mr.  Scouten's  influence  that  "  The 
Capital  Flier  "  stopped  at  Sky  View  to  receive 
the  three  distinguished  passengers,  and  it  was 
137 


138      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

at  Mr.  Tubbmann's  suggestion  that  a  large 
crowd  of  Mr.  Whittleback's  admirers  was  at 
the  railroad  station  to  wish  him  success  in  his 
important  undertaking. 

"The  Flier"  was  known  in  political  circles 
as  "  The  Politicians'  Special,"  because  it  was 
so  largely  patronized  by  the  members  of  that 
profession.  No  sooner  had  Mr.  Scouten  and 
his  companions  entered  the  smoking  car  and 
seated  themselves  than  they  were  surrounded 
by  a  number  of  those  honorable  gentlemen. 
They  were  under  the  leadership  of  the  Hon. 
Timothy  L.  Whalen,  and  were  going  to  the 
Capital  to  oppose  the  passage  of  a  Bill  which 
compelled  the  railroads  to  pay  taxes  on  their 
franchises.  Mr.  Scouten  and  Mr.  Whalen 
were  old  acquaintances,  and  after  shaking  hands 
Mr.  Scouten  introduced  Mr.  Whalen  to  Jerome 
Alexander  Tubbmann,  Corporation  Counsel  of 
Sky  View,  and  to  the  Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittle- 
back,  who  had  won  such  popularity  as  a  Re- 
former. 

"  A  Reformer,  Scouten,"  exclaimed  the  Hon. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      139 

Mr.  Whalen.  "  What  in  the  name  of  the  Old 
Boy  himself  is  a  Reformer?" 

"  Sir,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback,  "  you  see  one 
now.  I'm  a  Reformer.  I'll  be  blessed  if  any 
one  ought  not  to  know  what  a  Reformer  is: 
He's  a  man  who  is  as  honest  about  the  Public's 
business  as  he  is  about  his  own." 

"What  are  you  going  to  the  Capital  for?  " 
inquired  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whalen,  again  addres- 
sing himself  to  Mr.  Scouten. 

Upon  being  Informed  that  Mr.  Scouten  was 
going  to  the  Capital  with  Mr.  Whittleback  to 
assist  in  securing  the  passage  of  a  Bill  which 
was  to  benefit  the  Public  by  giving  the  people 
a  chance  to  get  rid  of  unfaithful  office  holders 
before  the  expiration  of  the  term  for  which 
they  were  elected,  Mr.  Whalen  could  conceal 
his  mirth  no  longer,  and  turning  to  his  lieuten- 
ants exclaimed:  "Boys,  take  a  look  at  that 
man  Scouten,  will  you.  He's  going  to  the  Capi- 
tal in  the  interests  of  the  Public."  After 
again  looking  Mr.  Whittleback  and  Mr.  Scou- 
ten over,  he  retired  with  his  lieutenants  and  re- 


140     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

marked  to  those  gentlemen  that  something  had 
surely  gone  wrong  with  that  man  Scouten  and 
that  he  must  be  losing  his  mind. 

"  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  think  much  of  him,"  re- 
marked Mr.  Whittleback. 

"  No,"  Mr.  Scouten  replied.  "  He's  what 
you  might  call  a  black  sheep  of  the  profession." 

Soon  a  stranger  came  down  the  aisle  and 
stopped  in  front  of  Mr.  Whittleback. 

"  Is  this  the  Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback?  " 

"  That's  my  name." 

The  stranger  had  a  favor  to  ask.  He 
wanted  to  get  a  pass  on  the  railroad.  He  had 
seen  Mr.  Whittleback's  picture  in  the  paper 
as  a  prominent  politician  and  he  thought  he 
would  ask  for  a  free  trip  to  Niagara  Falls  for 
himself  and  family. 

"  Sir,"  replied  Mr.  Whittleback,  "  I'm  not 
a  politician,  I'm  a  Reformer." 

"A  what?"  asked  the  man  with  some  sur- 
prise. 

"A  Reformer,  sir." 

"  It's  all  about  the  same  thing,  isn't  it?  " 

"  No.     I'll  be  blessed  if  it  is." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      141 

At  this  point  Mr.  Scouten  entered  into  the 
conversation  and  asked  if  the  stranger  lived  in 
Mr.  Whittleback's  Assembly  District,  and 
being  answered  in  the  affirmative,  inquired  how 
many  votes  he  controlled.  The  stranger  said 
he  controlled  five  votes  beside  his  own. 

Mr.  Scouten  said:  "Yes,  Mr.  Whittleback 
will  get  a  pass  for  you,  if  you  will  keep  it  be- 
tween ourselves  and  remember  it  on  election 
day.  You  will  probably  have  an  opportunity 
to  vote  for  Mr.  Whittleback  in  the  near  fu- 
ture." 

Upon  his  promise  to  comply  with  these  con- 
ditions, Mr.  Scouten  took  the  stranger's  name 
and  address,  and  shook  hands  with  him. 
Then  Mr.  Whittleback  also  shook  hands  with 
him,  and  said  it  gave  him  great  pleasure  to 
make  his  acquaintance. 

"  He's  the  kind  of  man  to  help,"  remarked 
Mr.  Scouten,  after  the  stranger  had  gone,  '*  for 
he  controls  votes  and  in  Politics  votes  are  what 
you  must  have  to  win." 

All  this  time  The  Flier  was  rushing  along 
at  breakneck  speed,  as  though  anxious  to  get  its 


142     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

distinguished  passengers  to  the  Capital  as  soon 
as  possible.  It  dashed  through  cities,  busy 
with  traffic  and  trade,  and  on  through  villages 
and  smaller  towns.  Through  quiet  farm  lands 
It  went;  past  school  houses  and  country 
churches;  past  waterfalls  and  quiet  lakes,  hum- 
ble cottages  and  country  stores;  past  costly 
mansions  and  through  fine  estates;  through 
great  stretches  of  open  country  it  went,  and  on 
to  country  hamlets  and  sleepy  villages,  through 
tunnels  and  over  trestles,  past  signal  towers 
and  signs  and  water  plugs  and  mail  cranes  and 
switch  engines  and  mile  posts  and  freight  yards, 
till  panting  and  puffing  and  screeching  it 
entered  the  Capital  In  triumph. 


CHAPTER  XIX 

THE  most  popular  hotel  in  the  Capital  at 
that  time  was  the  Delaware  House. 
There  the  most  prominent  legislators  resided 
during  the  sessions.  Politicians  from  all  parts 
of  the  State  made  it  their  headquarters  while 
at  the  Capital.  There  all  important  matters 
of  legislation  were  decided  upon  by  the  Party 
leaders  prior  to  their  consideration  by  Senate 
or  Assembly.  It  was  the  barometer  of  politi- 
cal activity,  not  only  in  the  Capital,  but  through- 
out the  State,  and  was  the  Mecca  of  reporters 
and  journalists  and  leaders  and  lieutenants 
and  office  seekers  and  lobbyists  of  all  ranks  and 
descriptions.  It  was  to  the  Delaware  House 
that  Mr.  Scouten  conducted  his  companions. 
The  place  was  comparatively  quiet  when  they 
arrived,  for  the  Legislature  was  in  session,  but 
by  the  time  they  had  selected  their  apartments 
and  taken  some  refreshments  it  was  all  activity 
again,  for  the  Legislature  had  taken  a  recess, 

143 


144      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

and  the  bar  room  and  the  smoking  rooms  were 
filled  with  distinguished  politicians  and  legis- 
lators, who  chatted,  smoked  and  drank,  and  laid 
plans  for  trapping  the  Opposition  on  the  fol- 
lowing day. 

Mr.  Scouten  immediately  sought  out  the  As- 
semblyman from  their  district,  the  Hon.  John 
L.  Whodd,  and  finding  that  gentleman  en- 
gaged in  a  drinking  bout  in  the  bar  room,  with 
some  difficulty  persuaded  him  to  come  upstairs. 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  when  he 
had  ushered  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd  into  the 
presence  of  Mr.  Whittleback  and  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann,  "  this  Is  my  warm  personal  friend  and 
the  distinguished  representative  from  our  dis- 
trict, the  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd." 

"  Glad  to  see  you,"  said  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Whodd,  giving  Mr.  Whittleback  and  Mr. 
Tubbmann  a  hearty  handshake.  "  Come  on 
down  and  have  a  drink  with  me,  gentlemen." 

"  No,  thank  you,"  replied  Mr.  Scouten. 
"  We  want  you  to  give  us  some  help  in  passing 
a  Bill  we  are  interested  in.     Sit  down." 

Mr.  Whodd  laid  his  hand  on  his  stomach 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      145 

and  cast  a  longing  look  toward  the  door,  but 
at  length  consented  to  take  a  seat.  He  was  1 
fat,  red-faced,  happy-go-lucky  man,  and  had 
been  elected  to  the  Assembly  because  of  his 
liberality  in  the  matter  of  free  drinks  and  his 
willingness  to  do  as  he  was  told. 

"  Here,  gentlemen,"  he  exclaimed,  taking 
some  cigars  from  his  pocket  and  handing  them 
to  his  constituents,  "  you  won't  drink  with  me ; 
now  see  if  you'll  smoke  with  me."  Then  look- 
ing Mr.  Whittleback  over  v-ery  carefully,  he 
turned  to  Mr.  Scouten  and  inquired:  "  Who'd 
you  say  he  was,  Scouten?  " 

"  Why,  Whodd,  that's  the  President  of  Sky 
View,   Hon.   Nathaniel  Whittleback." 

"  Is  he  an  Organization  man?  " 

"What's  the  matter  with  you,  Whodd?" 
demanded  Mr.  Scouten  sternly.  "  Of  course 
Mr.  Whittleback's  an  Organization  man." 

"  Nothing  like  finding  out,  you  know,"  re- 
plied Mr.  Whodd.  "  Come  on  down  and 
have  a  drink  to  the  Organization." 

Mr.  Scouten's  reply  to  this  second  invitation 
was  to  ask  Mr.  Whittleback  for  the  Bill. 


146     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  There,  Whodd,  is  the  Bill  we  want  to  get 
passed." 

Mr.  Whodd  took  the  Bill  and  started  to  read 
it,  but  he  evidently  met  with  very  indifferent 
success  in  understanding  it,  for  he  stopped 
suddenly,  took  the  cigar  from  his  mouth,  and 
exclaimed:  "I  don't  know  whether  it's  poor 
whiskey  or  what,  but  I  can't  read  for  sour  ap- 
ples. Anyway,  all  these  things  have  got  to  be 
submitted  to  the  Manager  of  the  House  and 
be  passed  on  by  him  and  the  leaders  of  the 
Majority  before  they're  introduced."  And 
Mr.  Whodd  handed  the  Bill  back  to  Mr.  Scou- 
ten  without  knowing  a  single  provision  it  con- 
tained. 

"  Well,"  inquired  Mr.  Scouten,  "  what  are 
you  going  to  do?  " 

"Do?"  replied  Mr.  Whodd.  "Why  do 
what  any  representative  of  his  constituents 
ought  to  do :  I'll  take  you  before  the  Manager 
and  the  Leaders  of  the  Majority  and  let  you 
state  your  case.  But  I  won't  do  it,"  he  con- 
tinued, rising  and  going  towards  the  door,  "  till 
you  come  down  and  have  a  drink  on  me." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      147 

"Have  it  sent  up,"  suggested  Mr.  Tubb- 
mann. 

"  Sure,"  said  Mr.  Whodd,  and  ringing  for 
a  bell  boy  he  gave  his  order. 

"  The  reason  I  asked  if  you  were  an  Organi- 
zation man,"  he  remarked,  addressing  Mr. 
Whittleback,  after  they  had  taken  their  first 
glass,  "  was  because  you  don't  get  very  much 
up  here  unless  you  are  an  Organization  man," 
and  Mr.  Whodd  laughed  a  hearty  laugh, 
placed  his  hand  upon  his  stomach  and  declared 
he  felt  better.  "  Another  thing,"  he  continued, 
"  you  don't  want  to  do  much  talking  to  the 
Snags.     If  you  do,  you'll  get  into  trouble." 

"  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  know  what  they  are," 
said  Mr.  Whittleback. 

"  Why,  these  infernal  newspaper  men. 
They  bother  the  life  out  of  a  man;  they're 
everywhere  and  anywhere  with  their  infernal 
questions,  and  then  If  you  don't  tell  'em  all  your 
business,  they'll  denounce  you." 

"  Gentlemen,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Whittleback, 
"  drink  to  their  defeat." 

"  That  I  will,"  said  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd, 


148      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

drinking  three  glasses  as  a  mark  of  his  special 
favor  to  this  toast. 

*'  Whodd,"  interposed  Mr.  Scouten,  "  I 
think  we  had  better  go  and  meet  the  Manager 
of  the  House  as  soon  as  possible." 

"  Scouten,"  replied  Mr.  Whodd  with  con- 
tempt, "  you're  all  work  and  no  play,  and  that'll 
make  Scouten  or  Whodd  or  anyone  else  a  dull 
boy.  Sit  down  and  take  it  easy.  I've  been 
up  there  at  the  Capitol  all  day  listening 
to  a  lot  of  infernal  fools  make  a  lot  of 
infernal  speeches  against  the  railroads 
granting  passes.  Why,  if  it  wasn't  for 
passes  half  of  us  would  never  get  here.  You 
came  on  passes  yourself,  didn't  you?  " 

Mr.  Scouten  admitted  that  they  had,  and  this 
reminded  him  that  Mr.  Whittleback  wanted  a 
pass  for  one  of  his  constituents. 

"  Certainly,  Scouten,  certainly.  All  I've 
got  to  do  is  to  ask  for  'em.  A  man  ought  to  be 
able  to  do  that." 

Mr.  Scouten  now  arose  and  again  requested 
Mr.  Whodd  to  present  them  to  the  Manager 
of  the  House.     The  contents  of  the  bottle  had 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      149 

not  been  entirely  consumed  and  Mr.  Whodd 
cast  a  longing  look  toward  the  remaining  por- 
tion as  he  slowly  rose  to  his  feet,  at  the  same 
time  remarking  that  any  men  who  could  not 
drink  what  they  had  there  were  not  fit  to  put 
their  heads  in  the  Capital.  He  then  led  the 
way  through  a  broad  hall  to  the  outer  entrance 
of  the  Manager's  private  apartments.  Here 
was  found  one  of  the  Manager's  lieutenants. 
Being  well  known  to  that  worthy,  however,  Mr. 
Whodd  had  no  difficulty  in  securing  admission 
for  himself  and  his  companions. 

It  was  a  handsome  suite  of  rooms  In  which 
they  found  themselves.  Mr.  Whodd,  who 
was  familiar  with  the  place,  led  the  way  from 
room  to  room,  and  at  last  they  came  to  the 
sanctum  sanctorum,  before  the  door  of  which 
two  lieutenants  were  posted.  One  of  these 
went  Inside  to  report  the  visitors,  and  returned 
in  a  few  moments  with  the  information  that 
they  might  enter. 

When  Mr.  Whittleback  stepped  into  this 
sacred  place  he  found  himself  in  a  large  room, 
with  rich  carpets  upon  the  floor  and  costly  paint- 


ISO     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Ings  upon  the  walls.  At  the  farther  end  of 
the  room  before  a  large  table  sat  the  Manager 
of  the  Assembly,  and  seated  around  and  behind 
him  were  a  score  of  the  members  of  the  Lower 
House,  representatives  from  as  many  coun- 
ties. 

"  Hello,  Whodd,"  said  the  Manager,  giving 
him  a  bland  smile,  which  seemed  to  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback  to  come  to  perfection,  "  what  can  we  do 
for  you?  " 

"  Kingfisher,"  said  Mr.  Whodd,  "  I've  got 
some  good  Republicans  here  from  my  county 
who're  interested  in  some  legislation.  This," 
he  continued,  as  Mr.  Scouten,  came  forward, 
"  is  the  Hon.  Henrick  Scouten,  leader  of  our 
county;  Scouten,  the  Hon.  Harrison  Kingfisher, 
Manager  of  the  Assembly." 

The  Hon.  Mr.  Kingfisher  arose,  gave  Mr. 
Scouten  a  hearty  handshake,  and  expressed  his 
delight  at  meeting  him,  while  Mr.  Scouten  re- 
sponded in  much  the  same  manner. 

"  Mr.  Kingfisher,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  turning 
to  Mr.  Whittleback,  "  let  me  introduce  you  to 
the  President  of  Sky  View,  who  has  won  such 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      151 

popularit>-  as  a  Reformer,  the  Hon.  Nathaniel 

Whittleback/' 

■'  Glad  to  see  you  all  gentlemen,"  Mr.  King- 
fisher  declared,  after  Mr.  Whittleback  and  Mr. 
Tubbmann  had  been  presented,  '"  and  glad  to 
see  you  in  the  Capital.  Let  me  Introduce  you 
to  some  more  good  Republicans." 

So  saying,  he  introduced  them  to  his  distin- 
guished associates.  There  was  the  Hon.  Peter 
Smiley,  who  belonged  to  more  clubs  and  social 
organizations  than  any  other  man  in  the  State; 
the  Hon.  Horatio  Burdock,  who  had  the  reputa- 
tion of  being  the  best  dressed  man  in  the  city; 
the  Hon.  Stephen  Goodfellow,  famous  in  his 
district  as  a  church  member,  but  known  in  the  po- 
litical circles  of  the  Capital  as  the  man  who  had 
been  selected  by  The  Organization  to  corrupt 
young  and  inexperienced  legislators;  the  Hon. 
Horace  Drumgoole,  who  came  to  the  Legisla- 
ture poor,  but  had  become  rich  during  the  last 
session;  the  Hon,  Richard  Spoule,  who  was  the 
best  billiard  player  in  town:  the  Hon.  William 
Grundage,  who  represented  the  liquor  interests 
of  the  State ;  the  Hon.  Silas  Grabb,  who  boasted 


152     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

that  he  came  to  the  Legislature  to  represent 
himself,  first,  last  and  always,  in  which  respect 
he  differed  from  his  associates,  who  represented 
the  Railroads,  Insurance,  Gas  and  Trust  Com- 
panies, and  various  other  corporations;  and  last 
but  not  least,  the  Hon.  Robert  Brassfield,  smil- 
ing, calculating  and  shrewd,  who  combined  so 
many  of  the  qualities  of  a  knave  and  a  statesman 
that  he  was  looked  upon  as  the  most  promising 
man  for  Manager  of  the  Assembly  when  that 
distinguished  statesman,  the  present  Manager, 
should  lose  his  grip  upon  the  political  machine. 

These  "  Honorables  "  having  been  formally 
introduced,  all  resumed  their  seats,  and  while 
Mr.  Kingfisher  finished  signing  a  number  of  let- 
ters which  lay  before  him,  Mr.  Whittleback 
had  an  opportunity  of  looking  him  over. 

He  was  a  man  with  a  giant  frame  and  a  sav- 
age looking  face,  which  was  so  full  of  wrinkles 
and  ridges  that  it  bore  not  a  slight  resemblance 
to  a  prize  bull  dog's,  and  this  resemblance  was 
further  enhanced  by  his  habit  of  scowling  and 
shaking  his  head  and  sticking  up  his  nose  at  any 
and  all  times.     His  massive  jaws  seemed  to  be 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      153 

always  waiting  to  get  hold  of  some  political 
enemy  and  tear  him  to  pieces.  Years  before, 
prior  to  his  entrance  into  public  life,  when  an 
obscure  political  leader  in  a  western  district,  he 
had  been  the  superintendent  of  a  large  factory, 
when  he  had  conceived  the  happy  idea  of  tax- 
ing the  employees,  male  and  female  alike,  to 
swell  the  funds  of  the  local  Organization. 
This  brilliant  stroke  had  been  followed  by  the 
bold  move  of  making  away  with  several  hun- 
dred adverse  ballots  at  a  certain  election  and 
thus  fulfilling  his  pledge  to  keep  his  county  in 
the  Republican  ranks  no  matter  what  came. 
Because  of  these  evidences  of  singular  political 
ability,  The  Organization  sent  him  to  the  Legis- 
lature. By  reason  of  his  faithfulness  to  his 
Party  and  his  careful  study  of  Politics,  he  at 
length  became  Manager  of  the  Assembly,  and 
a  very  successful  and  able  Manager  he  was,  for 
he  never  forgot  a  friend  or  forgave  a  foe,  and 
was  a  terror  to  the  Opposition,  concerning 
which  his  favorite  slogan  was:  "Knock  'em 
down  and  drag  'em  out."  All  Bills  were  re- 
ferred to  him  before  being  introduced  and  no 


154     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Bill  could  be  reported  out  of  committee  without 
his  consent,  for  the  chairmen  of  all  committees 
were  named  by  him.  No  appointments  were 
made  without  his  O.  K.,  and  no  legislator  could 
receive  any  patronage  or  any  courtesies  unless 
he  voted  according  to  his  orders. 

"  Now,  gentlemen,"  he  remarked,  leaning 
back  in  his  chair  and  elevating  his  feet  upon  the 
table,  "  you  may  proceed." 

Mr.  Tubbmann  then  arose  and  running  the 
fingers  of  his  right  hand  rapidly  through  his 
hair  said  that  he  was  honored  in  having  been 
chosen  to  present  the  Bill  to  the  distinguished 
statesmen.  The  village  of  Sky  View,  from 
which  he  came,  had  been  afflicted  with  officials 
who  had  neglected  their  duty,  and  to  guard 
against  the  continuance  of  such  men  in  office  in 
the  future  the  distinguished  President  of  the 
village,  the  Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback,  had 
conceived  the  happy  idea  of  giving  the  people 
a  chance  to  terminate  their  contract  of  employ- 
ment by  voting  them  out  of  office  at  a  special 
election  to  be  called  for  that  purpose  upon  the 
petition  of  fifteen  per  cent  of  the  qualified  elec- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      155 

tors.  Before  the  Board  of  Trustees  could  pass 
such  an  ordinance,  however,  they  must  be  au- 
thorized to  do  so  by  an  Act  of  the  Legislature, 
and  It  was  to  secure  the  passage  of  such  an  Act 
that  they  had  been  sent  to  the  Capital.  But 
other  municipalities  were  in  the  same  position 
as  Sky  View,  and  to  give  to  all  the  people  of 
the  State  the  same  weapon  against  faithless 
public  servants  the  Bill  had  been  drawn  to  make 
It  a  general  law.  Need  he  point  out  to  the 
honorable  gentlemen  that  in  many  places  pub- 
lic servants  failed  to  serve  or  to  represent  their 
constituents?  If  this  Bill  passed,  no  longer 
would  the  people  be  obliged  to  wait  until  the 
terms  of  office  of  such  expired  and  then  perhaps 
have  them  renominated  through  influence  or 
corruption.  They  could  be  voted  out  of  office 
at  once. 

"  The  object  of  this  Bill,"  Mr.  Tubbmann 
concluded,  after  eloquently  setting  forth  Its 
merits,  "  Is  to  restore  representative  govern- 
ment." 

"  That  Bill  Is  so  fixed  up,"  remarked  Mr. 
Kingfisher,    after   he   had   finished   reading   It, 


156      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  that  a  man  can  hardly  tell  what  its  provisions 
are.  A  nice  piece  of  work,  Tubbmann.  We 
may  be  able  to  get  it  through  without  the  Op- 
position finding  out  what  it  is." 

"I'm  for  it  all  right,"  said  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Grundage,  "  as  long  as  it  don't  hurt  the  liquor 
business." 

"  Yes,"  assented  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd. 
"  Before  we  do  any  more  talking  let's  have  a 
drink  of  something." 

"  Whodd,"  exclaimed  the  Hon.  Mr.  King- 
fisher, "you're  worse  than  a  fish!"  And  all 
the  "  Honorables  "  had  a  laugh  at  the  Hon. 
Mr.  Whodd's  expense. 

"  There's  one  important  thing  you've  left  out 
of  that  Bill,"  Mr.  Kingfisher  continued,  thought- 
fully, "  it  creates  no  patronage.  We'll  have  a 
fight  on  our  hands  this  fall  and  we'll  need  all 
the  help  we  can  get  from  things  of  this  kind  to 
pull  us  through." 

"  Yes,"  said  the  Hon.  Mr.  Grabb.  "  Have 
the  Bill  provide  for  the  division  of  the  State 
into  districts  and  the  appointment  of  inspectors 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      157 

for  each  district  who  shall  have  charge  of  the 
elections  held  under  this  Act." 

"  We  will  have  no  objection  to  that,"  re- 
marked Mr.  Tubbmann. 

"  The  greatest  trouble  will  be  in  passing  it. 
The  Democrats  will  fight  like  dogs  to  keep  us 
from  getting  that  patronage."  This  from  the 
Hon.  Mr.  Spoule. 

"Agree  to  give  them  a  share,  then  they'll 
be  for  it,"  suggested  the  Hon.  Mr.  Smiley, 
laughing. 

"Well,"  declared  Mr.  Kingfisher  with  em- 
phasis, "  I  don't  see  why  that  Bill  isn't  all  right, 
with  the  addition  Grabb  suggests.  We've  got 
to  make  about  so  many  laws  every  session  or 
the  people  will  think  we  aren't  earning  our 
money.  The  only  trouble,  as  Spoule  says,  will 
be  in  getting  it  through.  Say,  Jim,"  he  con- 
tinued, addressing  his  private  secretary,  "  go 
across  the  hall  and  bring  Brandywine  in  here. 
Brandywine  isn't  a  member  of  the  Legislature, 
Scouten,  but  he's  the  smartest  m.an  in  his  line 
in  the  State." 


158      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

A  lieutenant  then  Informed  Mr.  Kingfisher 
that  some  of  the  "  Snags  "  were  at  the  door  and 
desired  to  come  in. 

"  Confound  them !  "  ejaculated  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Kingfisher,  scowling  and  sticking  up  his  nose 
and  snapping  his  jaw.  "  Scouten,  they're  the 
bane  of  our  existence.  They're  a  menace  to  the 
country,  everywhere  and  in  everything.  Say 
I'll  give  them  a  statement  later  in  the  evening," 
he  continued,  addressing  the  lieutenant.  "  Ah, 
here  comes  Brandywine." 

All  turned  toward  the  door  and  in  came  the 
Hon.  Wallace  Brandywine,  smiling  and  bowing 
as  though  he  would  melt  away  into  a  sunbeam 
at  any  minute.  He  was  tall  and  lank  and  had 
a  pleasing  personality  and  great  ability  as  a 
public  speaker.  He  was  already  one  of  the 
most  eloquent  advocates  of  his  Party  on  the 
stump  at  every  election,  and  afterwards  became 
a  figure  of  national  prominence.  He  was  now 
at  the  Capital  representing  a  well-known  public 
service  corporation. 

"  Hello,  Brandywine,"  said  Mr.  Kingfisher, 
rising  and  going  forward.     "  Gentlemen,"  he 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      159 

continued,  turning  to  Mr.  Whittleback  and  his 
companions,  "  this  is  our  distinguished  fellow 
Republican,  the  Hon.  Wallace  Brandywine; 
Mr.  Brandywine,  some  good  Republicans  from 
Poquogg  County." 

"  Poquogg  County,"  said  Mr.  Brandywine, 
laughing,  as  he  shook  their  hands;  "  why,  I've 
heard  of  Poquogg  County." 

"  These  gentlemen  have  a  Bill  they  want  to 
get  passed,"  Mr.  Kingfisher  continued.  "  It 
strikes  me  as  being  a  mighty  good  Bill,  for  if  it 
passes  it  will  give  us  a  whole  lot  of  patronage. 
We  would  like  to  get  your  opinion  on  it,  Brandy- 
wine." 

Mr.  Brandywine  bowed  and  smiled  and 
asked  to  hear  the  Bill. 

"  The  title  of  this  Bill,"  said  Mr.  Tubbmann, 
after  briefly  reviewing  Mr.  Whittleback's 
political  triumphs,  "is  'A  Bill  to  Restore  Rep- 
resentative Government,'  and  provides  that 
whenever  It  becomes  apparent  that  any  officer 
or  officers  elected  by  the  people  of  any  town, 
municipality  or  city  is  or  are  not  faithfully  dis- 
charging the  duty  or  duties  of  the  office  or  offices 


i6o     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

to  which  he  or  they  have  been  elected,  an  elec- 
tion shall  be  called  upon  the  petition  of  fifteen 
per  cent  of  the  qualified  electors  of  said  town, 
municipality  or  city,  to  vote  upon  the  question 
of  whether  such  officer  or  officers  shall  be  longer 
continued  In  office." 

Mr.  Brandywine,  who  had  subjected  Mr. 
Whittleback  to  a  close  scrutiny  during  Mr. 
Tubbmann's  remarks,  now  addressed  him  and 
inquired: 

"  How  do  you  like  being  a  politician?" 

"  I'm  not  a  politician,  I'm  a  Reformer,  sir." 

Mr.  Scouten,  whose  practiced  eyes  saw  at 
once  that  Mr.  Brandywine  did  not  approve  the 
Bill,  now  entered  the  conversation: 

"  Yes,"  said  he,  "  Mr.  Whittleback  Is  a  most 
successful  Reformer.  He  is  now  President  of 
Sky  View,  but  next  year  he  will  be  a  member  of 
the  Legislature." 

A  member  of  the  Legislature  !  This  gave  an 
entirely  different  aspect  to  the  matter.  Mr. 
Brandywine  had  almost  made  a  grave  political 
mistake. 

"  Why,    Mr.    Whittleback,"    he    exclaimed. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      i6i 

giving  that  gentleman  one  of  his  most  winning 
smiles,  "  I  am  glad  to  know  you  and  to  hear 
about  your  work.  Reform  is  something  that  is 
always  needed.  May  the  gods  smile  upon  you, 
—  Kingfisher,  it's  a  good  Bill  and  will  be  popu- 
lar with  the  people." 

"  I  thought  you'd  like  it,"  replied  that  dis- 
tinguished legislator.  "  We'll  add  the  amend- 
ment Grabb  suggests  and  let  Whodd  Introduce 
It  in  the  morning." 

Hardly  had  these  Important  details  been  ar- 
ranged when  a  lieutenant  entered  and  announced 
that  a  strange  woman  was  at  the  door  demand- 
ing admission. 

"Who  Is  she?" 

"  She  says  her  name's  Diggin." 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  Kingfisher,  "she's  Presi- 
dent of  some  National  AntI  something,  isn't 
she?" 

"National  Anti-Epicurean  League,"  sug- 
gested the  lieutenant. 

"That's  it,"  repeated  Mr.  Kingfisher, 
"  National  Anti-Epicurean  League.     Jim,"  he 


i62     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

continued,  turning  to  the  private  secretary, 
"  what  under  the  sun  is  that?  " 

"  They  must  be  opposed  to  eating  too 
much,"  replied  the  private  secretary. 

"  No,"  exclaimed  the  Hon.  Mr.  Grundage, 
"  they're  opposed  to  the  sale  of  whiskey.  Con- 
found her  and  all  her  tribe !  " 

"  Why  don't  you  have  your  liquor  people 
buy  her  off,  Grundage?  "  inquired  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Kingfisher. 

"  Haven't  we  tried?  You  can't  buy  'em. 
They've  got  a  lot  of  Bills  introduced  again 
this  session.  Some  day  the  pressure  will  be 
so  great  we'll  have  to  report  'em  out  of  com- 
mittee and  then  youse  fellows  will  have  to  stand 
up  and  beat  'em  on  the  floor." 

"  She  can  certainly  talk  some  though,"  re- 
marked the  Hon.  Mr.  Spoule.  "  I  heard  her 
last  night  over  in  State  Street  Church.  She 
said  your  liquor  business,  Grundage,  makes 
seventy-five  per  cent  of  the  criminals  and  pau- 
pers of  the  State." 

"Suppose  we  do?"  retorted  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Grundage.     *'  Don't  we  pay  the  State  for  mak- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      163 

Ing  'em?  And  if  we  pay  for  making  'em, 
what's  the  odds?" 

"  She's  dangerous,  though,"  said  the  Hon. 
Silas  Grabb.  "  You  ought  to  pull  her  off  some 
way,  Grundage.  If  these  women  had  a  vote 
they'd  turn  us  all  out  of  office." 

"  Ha,  ha !  "  exclaimed  the  Hon.  Mr.  Brandy- 
wine,  who  had  lingered  to  hear  this  bit  of  legis- 
lative gossip.  "  If  you're  going  to  complicate 
our  troubles  by  getting  the  fair  sex  in  the 
game,  I'm  going  to  get  out." 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Kingfisher,  addressing  the 
lieutenant,  "  and  tell  her  to  get  out  too,  and 
mind,  sir,  you  don't  let  her  get  in  here  again." 


CHAPTER  XX 

WHEN  Mr.  Whittleback  and  his  asso- 
ciates returned  to  their  apartments  they 
were  bombarded  by  messenger  boys  bearing 
cards  and  communications  from  newspaper  re- 
porters and  political  correspondents  requesting 
an  interview,  to  all  of  which  Mr.  Scouten  re- 
sponded that  such  interview  would  not  be 
granted.  It  was  a  favorite  move  of  the  poli- 
ticians of  that  period  to  hold  off  important  rail- 
road and  corporation  Bills  until  near  the  end  of 
the  session,  and  then,  in  the  rush  of  business 
before  adjournment,  to  get  them  passed  with- 
out anybody  discovering  what  they  really 
were.  The  news  had  now  got  abroad  in  news- 
paper circles  of  the  Capital  that  three  distin- 
guished politicians  had  just  arrived  in  the  city 
with  an  important  Bill,  and  the  leading  news- 
papers had  offered  a  prize  to  the  reporter  who 
should  first  secure  information  as  to  its  pro- 
visions. 

164 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      165 

"  They've  heard  that  something  is  going  on 
and  they  want  to  find  out  what  it  Is,"  remarked 
Mr.  Scouten. 

"Won't  they  ever  stop  coming?"  Inquired 
Mr.  Whittleback,  as  the  cards  and  requests 
kept  Increasing. 

*'  Don't  know  and  I  don't  care,"  rephed  that 
untiring  pubhc  servant.  "  Whodd  said  not  to 
talk  and  we  had  better  not.  We're  getting 
along  pretty  well." 

"Yes,"  responded  Mr.  Whittleback,  who 
was  delighted  at  the  progress  they  had  made. 

"  You  can  get  anything  here  If  you've  got 
the  pull,"  interposed  Mr.  Tubbmann,  "  for 
Kingfisher  runs  the  Assembly  and  Dilley  runs 
the  Senate  and  Brandywine  runs  'em  alll  A 
very  Interesting  state  of  affairs  in  a  democracy !  " 

"  Mr.  Whittleback,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  with- 
out noticing  Mr.  Tubbmann's  observation, 
"  you  might  have  been  surprised  at  what  I  said 
to  Brandywine  when  we  were  discussing  the 
Bill,  but  I  told  him  before  telling  you  because 
I  saw  that  was  necessary  to  get  his  support. 
Whodd's  a  man  who  ought  to  be  promoted  and 


i66     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

The  Organization  has  decided  to  promote  him. 
He's  to  run  for  the  Senate  this  fall  and  we've 
chosen  you  as  his  successor." 

Like  most  deserved  honors,  this  one  came  to 
Mr.  Whittleback  entirely  unsought  and  entirely 
unexpected.  He  was  so  surprised  he  did  not 
know  what  to  say  and  hence  remained  silent. 

Mr.  Scouten,  who  knew  well  how  to  overcome 
the  objections  of  a  prospective  candidate,  if  ob- 
jections there  were,  began  to  tell  him  about  the 
opportunities  an  Assemblyman  enjoyed  of  serv- 
ing the  Public  and  what  an  honor  it  was  to  be 
a  member  of  the  Legislature.  Before  he  had 
finished,  the  door  opened  suddenly  and  in  came 
the  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd,  who  had  just  been 
victorious  in  a  drinking  contest  in  the  bar  room. 

"  Hello,  gentlemen,"  said  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Whodd,  whose  face  was  redder  than  usual  and 
who  was  a  bit  unsteady  on  his  legs,  "  I'm  glad 
to  see  you,"  and  he  thereupon  proceeded  to 
give  each  a  hearty  handshake,  at  the  same  time 
declaring  that  he  was  glad  they  were  "  Hon- 
orables  "  for  he  was  an  "  Honorable  "  himself 
and  they  were  all  "  Honorables  "  together. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      167 

"  Sit  down,  Whodd,"  said  Mr.  Scouten, 
"  we  want  to  talk  to  you." 

"  Then  you've  got  to  drink  with  me."  And 
going  to  the  bottle  which  was  on  the  table  Mr. 
Whodd  insisted  on  helping  everybody  to  a  gen- 
erous supply  of  its  contents,  after  which  he 
helped  himself. 

"  I  was  just  telling  Mr.  Whittleback,"  Mr. 
Scouten  continued,  after  Mr.  Whodd  had  at 
last  seated  himself,  "  about  the  plans  of  The 
Organization  for  the  fall  campaign." 

"  Did  you  say  he  was  an  Organization  man 
all  right,  Scouten?"  pointing  to  Mr.  Whittle- 
back. 

"What's  the  matter  with  you,  Whodd?" 
exclaimed  Mr.  Scouten,  fiercely.  "  I  want  you 
to  give  Mr.  Whittleback  an  idea  of  the  duties 
of  an  Assemblyman." 

"  It's  this  way,"  Mr.  Whodd  replied:  "  You 
can  be  just  about  as  active  a  representative  as 
you  want  to  be.  Kingfisher's  taken  charge  of 
everything  this  session  and  last  session  and  I 
don't  know  how  many  sessions  before  that. 
Grabb's  always  getting  up  reports  and  calling 


i68      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

for  Investigations,  but  they  don't  amount  to 
anything  except  to  take  up  time  and  get  some- 
body to  buy  him  off." 

*'  Tell  him  about  the  committees,"  suggested 
Mr.  Scouten. 

"  Yes,  the  committees.  In  your  first  year  If 
you  stand  In  well  they'll  put  you  on  a  committee. 
After  you've  been  here  long  enough  to  learn  the 
ropes  they'll  make  you  chairman  of  a  commit- 
tee. The  committees  consider  Bills  which  are 
referred  to  them  and  report  favorably  or  un- 
favorably or  never  report  at  all.  For  Instance, 
I'm  Chairman  of  the  Committee  on  Laws  and 
Public  Morals  and  all  Bills  affecting  those  sub- 
jects are  referred  to  my  Committee,"  and  Mr. 
Whodd  helped  himself  to  another  glass  of  the 
contents  of  the  bottle  and  Insisted  on  helping 
the  rest  too. 

"  Say,  Whodd,"  Interposed  Mr.  Scouten, 
*'  if  you  keep  on  the  way  you're  going  you  won't 
be  In  any  condition  to  take  charge  of  any  Bill 
to-morrow." 

"  That  shows  how  much  you  know  about 
me,"  replied  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd  with  great 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      169 

contempt.  "  Why,  I  did  Kingfisher  and  Dilley 
and  Grundage  and  the  whole  crowd  of  'em  up 
last  night  and  was  bright  as  a  lark  this  morning. 
So  you  see,  gentlemen,"  he  continued,  after  he 
had  given  himself  this  flattering  recommenda- 
tion, "  you  needn't  worry  about  me." 

"  Gentlemen,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Tubbmann, 
rising  and  making  a  majestic  bow,  "  there's  a 
divinity  that  shapes  our  ends.  Whodd,  you 
and  I  and  all  of  us  will  pass  away.  It  behooves 
us,  then,  to  get  our  epitaphs.  Here's  mine," 
he  continued,  gazing  far  off  into  space  and  then 
condescending  to  come  back  to  earth  again : 

"  Jerome  Alexander  Tubbmann, 
School  teacher  and  lawyer, 
Who  never  sold  anybody  out, 
And  died  game." 

"  Say,  Tubbmann,"  said  Mr.  Whodd,  laugh- 
ing heartily,  *'  if  you  can't  take  a  drink  or  two 
without  getting  sentimental,  I'm  going  to 
leave." 

"  And  I'll  be  blessed,"  interposed  Mr.  Whit- 


170     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

tleback,  who  had  never  crowded  so  much  into 
one  day  before  and  who  found  he  could  not 
keep  up  with  the  pace  set  by  Mr.  Whodd,  "  if 
I  don't  think  we'd  better  all  go  to  bed  while 
we  can  get  there.  Mr.  Scouten,  I'll  talk  to  you 
in  the  morning." 


CHAPTER  XXI 

THE  Bill  to  Restore  Representative  Gov- 
ernment attracted  attention  at  once.  No 
sooner  was  it  introduced  and  published  in  the 
press  than  it  became,  as  the  Hon.  Wallace 
Brandywine  had  prophesied,  immensely  popular 
with  the  people.  Little  did  the  Hon.  Harrison 
Kingfisher  and  his  distinguished  associates  sup- 
pose it  would  create  such  a  sensation.  They 
had  attached  little  importance  to  it  outside  of 
the  opportunity  it  afforded  for  securing  much 
needed  patronage,  and  were  therefore  little 
prepared  for  the  enthusiasm  it  aroused.  Not 
in  many  years  had  a  Bill  found  such  instant 
favor  with  the  Public.  The  morning  following 
its  introduction  the  whole  State  was  talking 
about  it.  All  eyes  were  turned  to  the  Capital. 
Apparently  there  was  not  a  village  or  a  town- 
ship but  had  officials  who  ought  to  be  gotten  rid 
of.  Moreover,  the  principle  of  popular  sov- 
ereignty was  at  stake.  The  various  Societies 
171 


172      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

for  the  Protection  of  Civil  Liberty  entered  the 
lists  in  its  behalf  and  sent  delegations  to  the 
Capital  to  demand  its  speedy  passage.  The 
Liberty  Leagues,  and  Civic  Leagues,  the  Citizen 
Alliances,  and  Vigilance  Committees,  sent  reso- 
lutions praying  for  its  passage  and  advocating 
its  passage  and  demanding  its  passage.  The 
members  of  the  Legislature  were  bombarded 
with  letters  and  telegrams  requesting  and  de- 
manding their  favorable  vote  upon  it,  and 
threatening  dire  consequences  if  it  were  not 
passed;  and  the  press  —  was  not  the  press  al- 
ways on  the  side  of  the  people,  for  were  not  the 
interests  of  the  people  and  of  the  press  identi- 
cal? The  freedom  of  both  must  be  preserved. 
Anything  which  gave  the  people  more  power 
was  to  the  people's  advantage;  and  did  not  this 
Bill  give  greater  power  to  the  people  In  their 
conflict  with  the  politicians?  Who  would  op- 
pose the  Bill?  Those  who  were  not  represent- 
ing the  people  and  who  would  be  likely  to  lose 
their  offices.  And  one  newspaper  boldly  pub- 
lished a  list  of  those  members  of  the  Legislature 
who  were  notorious  for  their  devotion  to  the 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      173 

interests  of  the  corporations  and  the  railroads  in 
preference  to  the  interests  of  the  people.  The 
Legislature  existed  but  to  enact  into  law  the 
wish  of  the  people,  and  if  the  legislators  did 
not  obey  the  people's  will,  woe  unto  them,  for 
the  people  had  a  remedy.  That  was  the  ad- 
vantage of  a  democracy. 

Who  was  the  man  who  had  dared  to  propose 
such  a  beneficent  measure?  He  was  a  true 
champion  of  the  people  and  should  be  sup- 
ported and  encouraged.  Mr.  Whittleback  had 
letters  pouring  in  upon  him  from  all  parts  of 
the  State,  thanking  him  and  praising  him  and 
congratulating  him  and  requesting  his  photo- 
graph and  his  autograph.  Reporters  followed 
him  constantly.  When  he  appeared  upon  the 
street  he  was  surrounded  by  a  crowd  of  news- 
paper men,  for  the  Public  wanted  to  know  all 
about  this  champion  of  its  rights,  and  what  he 
did  and  what  he  said  and  what  he  looked  like. 
His  picture  was  in  every  paper  and  he  was 
"  written  up  "  by  special  correspondents,  each 
of  whom  seemed  to  find  something  new  to  say 
about  him,   until   from  being  almost  unknown 


174     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

outside  of  Poquogg  County,  he  became  within 
a  few  days  after  his  arrival  in  the  Capital  one 
of  the  most  talked  of  men  in  the  State,  if  not 
on  the  American  continent. 

The  legislative  leaders,  however,  now  found 
themselves  in  a  very  embarrassing  position,  for 
the  Bill  aroused  the  unanimous  opposition  of 
the  politicians  of  both  Parties.  If  it  was  so 
popular  with  the  people,  they  argued,  it  must 
be  dangerous  to  themselves,  many  of  whom 
might  be  voted  out  of  office  should  it  become  a 
law.  Such  a  law  would  ruin  the  whole  scheme 
of  party  politics  and  lay  the  politicians  open 
to  any  and  all  sorts  of  attacks  from  the  Public. 
No  political  leader  would  ever  know  where  he 
was  at.  There  would  be  no  stability  left  to  the 
government.  No  Organization  office  holder 
would  be  safe.  What  was  the  inducement  to 
work  and  elect  your  candidates  when  the  people 
could  vote  them  out  of  office  if  they  happened 
to  do  something  wrong?  How  were  political 
leaders  ever  going  to  dispense  offices  to  trusted 
lieutenants  with  any  security  if  the  people  were 
given   the   right   to   vote   them   out   of   office? 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      175 

Organization   orators  waxed   eloquent  on    th 
benefits  of  political  leadership,  the  advantage 
of  political   Parties,    and  the   serious   damag 
that  would  be  done  were  such  a  blow  struck  at 
the  foundations  of  the  government;  and  politi- 
cal leaders  of  all  kinds  and  descriptions  and  of 
all  degrees  of  political  power  came  on  to  the 
Capital  and  laid  siege  to  the  Legislature  to  pre- 
vent the  passage  of  a  Bill  which  made  such  a 
heinous  attack  upon  the  sacred  and  vested  rights 
of  political  Parties  and  Party  leaders. 

A  serious  situation  indeed!  Here  were  the 
people,  on  the  one  hand,  demanding  the  pas- 
sage of  the  Bill;  and  on  the  other  hand  were 
the  politicians,  always  distrustful  of  the  peo- 
ple, whom  they  ever  feared,  demanding  its  de- 
feat. Were  it  to  pass,  It  might  strip  the  poli- 
ticians of  their  power,  and  were  it  defeated, 
popular  indignation  might  run  so  high  that  the 
Democrats  would  make  it  an  issue  in  the  next 
campaign  and  'the  Republicans  lose  the  fall 
election. 

Meanwhile  the  Bill  had  passed  its  first  read- 
ing and  had  been  referred  to  the  Committee 


176     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

on  Laws  and  Public  Morals.  The  Committee 
fixed  an  early  day  for  a  public  hearing  and  in- 
vited both  sides  to  present  their  arguments. 

The  hearing  was  held  in  the  Assembly  Cham- 
ber. The  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd,  Chairman 
of  the  Committee,  honored  the  occasion  by 
solemnly  resolving  that  morning  that  he  would 
never  drink  another  drop  of  whiskey  as  long 
as  he  lived.  This  was  no  unusual  thing  for 
that  gentleman,  however,  for  he  was  accustomed 
to  make  this  resolution  whenever  he  had  on 
hand  anything  he  considered  of  special  impor- 
tance, and  that  the  Committee  had  an  important 
matter  on  its  hands  Mr.  Whodd  had  been  made 
to  realize,  for  in  the  last  few  days  he  had  re- 
ceived more  letters  and  telegrams  about  this 
Bill  than  he  had  theretofore  received  in  all  the 
years  of  his  public  life. 

When  the  members  of  the  Committee  ar- 
rived and  took  their  places  they  found  the 
Chamber  already  filled  to  overflowing  with  an 
eager  audience  made  up  of  citizens  from  all 
parts  of  the  State.  Mr.  Tubbmann  was  the 
first  speaker  for  the  Bill.     It  was  an  occasion 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      177 

worthy  of  his  best  efforts  and  he  rose  to  the 
occasion.  His  speech  is  talked  of  about  the 
Capital  to  this  very  day.  He  traced  the  prog- 
ress of  popular  government  from  the  early  days 
of  the  long  ago,  told  how  through  the  ages 
slowly  but  surely  over  a  pathway  lighted  with 
the  sacrifices  of  martyr  patriots  men  had  fought 
their  way  upward  to  a  government  of  the  peo- 
ple, for  the  people  and  by  the  people  as  founded 
by  the  Revolutionary  fathers.  Then  pros- 
perity had  come,  and  in  their  prosperity  the 
people  had  forgotten  to  guard  their  rights,  and 
there  was  always  some  one  to  usurp  their  rights. 
While  the  people  slept,  the  politicians  and  politi- 
cal bosses  had  robbed  them  of  their  freedom 
and  had  usurped  their  inalienable  right  to  choose 
their  own  officials.  What  right  had  these  self- 
constituted  political  bosses  to  say  who  should  be 
nominated  for  every  office  from  that  of  Gov- 
ernor of  the  State  down  to  constable?  That 
was  tyranny  of  the  worst  sort.  He  could  see 
little  difference  between  bondage  to  a  king  and 
bondage  to  a  political  boss.  But  in  every  hour 
of  need  there  was  a  man  raised  up  to  fight  the 


178     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

people's  cause.  Such  a  man  had  come  forward 
now  to  lead  the  people  of  his  State,  and  Nation 
it  might  be,  from  the  bondage  of  political 
Parties  to  the  perfect  freedom  which  was  their 
God-given  right.  Need  he  tell  the  Committee 
who  was  that  man?  The  whole  State  was 
talking  about  him  and  about  this  Bill,  the  pas- 
sage of  which  he  was  advocating.  Who  would 
object  to  the  Bill?  Every  office  holder  who 
was  a  crook.  Honest  men  had  nothing  to  fear. 
No  political  boss  would  dare  nominate  dishon- 
est men  if  this  Bill  became  a  law.  Who  were 
opposed  to  the  Bill?  Every  politician  and 
political  boss  who  feared  the  people.  Who 
favored  the  Bill?  The  people  of  the  State. 
*'  Gentlemen,"  he  concluded  dramatically,  "  the 
people  demand  the  passage  of  this  Bill.  Obey 
the  will  of  the  people  and  favorably  report  it." 
It  was  a  masterful  effort,  so  masterful  indeed 
that  Mr.  Whittleback  thought  the  applause 
would  never  end,  so  masterful  that  for  the  life 
of  him  he  did  not  see  how  anything  could  be 
said  in  opposition.  Imagine  his  surprise,  there- 
fore, when  the  Hon.  Mr.  Grundage  arose  and 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      179 

asked  permission  to  address  the  Committee  in 
opposition  to  the  Bill. 

"Yes,"  said  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd,  who 
knew  Mr.  Grundage  had  been  selected  by  the 
politicians  to  oppose  the  Bill,  "  come  on  up  and 
speak  your  piece." 

This  was  all  very  funny,  declared  Mr. 
Grundage,  laughing  heartily.  It  was  a  fine  the- 
ory, but  it  was  impractical;  the  politicians  would 
soon  find  a  way  to  nullify  it.  You  could  not 
make  men  honest  by  law.  It  was  better  to  have 
bad  men  in  office  than  to  be  changing  office 
holders  all  the  time.  There  would  be  no  sta- 
bility to  the  government.  The  people  were 
fickle  anyway.  You  could  never  trust  them. 
They  voted  for  a  Republican  to-day  and  for  a 
Democrat  to-morrow.  This  was  only  one  of 
their  passing  whims.  The  Committee  need  not 
be  afraid  to  report  the  Bill  unfavorably,  for  the 
Public  was  quick  to  forget  and  would  forget 
all  about  the  matter  by  next  election.  The 
legislators  should  act  as  the  guardians  of  the 
people,  who  should  not  always  have  what  they 
wanted.     Had  anybody  thought  of  the  money 


i8o      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

it  would  cost  to  pay  all  these  Inspectors  that 
were  provided  for  In  the  Bill? 

Mr.  Grundage's  speech  was  by  no  means  a 
short  lived  affair,  and  after  he  had  talked  for 
nearly  two  hours  he  seemed  to  be  no  nearer  the 
end  than  when  he  began.  He  was,  however,  a 
very  fat  man  and  the  exercise  of  speaking 
proved  very  burdensome,  so  that  he  was  at 
length  compelled  to  stop  from  sheer  exhaustion, 
asking  the  Committee,  however,  for  leave  to 
present  further  facts  at  a  subsequent  hearing. 

"Further  facts!"  exclaimed  a  voice  In  the 
rear  of  the  Chamber,  and  the  redoubtable  Mrs. 
Dlggin  came  forward.  "  You're  a  miserable 
bloat,"  she  continued,  shaking  her  fist  at  the 
Hon.  Mr.  Grundage,  who  was  panting  and  puf- 
fing from  the  effects  of  his  speech.  Then  turn- 
ing to  the  Committee  she  announced: 

"  Gentlemen,  I'm  Mrs.  DIggIn,  President  of 
the  National  Antl-Eplcurean  League,  and  I 
want  to  tell  you  we're  for  this  Bill." 

"  What's  the  National  Anti-Epicurean 
League  got  to  do  with  this  Bill?  "  demanded  the 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      i8i 

Hon.  Mr.  Grundage  of  the  Committee.  "  This 
isn't  a  temperance  Bill." 

The  audience,  which  had  grown  restless  dur- 
ing Mr.  Grundage's  long  speech,  was  now  all 
attention  and  eagerly  waited  to  hear  Mrs.  Dig- 
gin's  reply  to  this  inquiry. 

"  I'll  tell  you  why  we're  for  this  Bill,"  she 
responded,  turning  and  facing  the  audience. 
"  Half  of  your  public  officials  aren't  enforcing 
the  Excise  Law  in  this  State.  This  Bill  gives 
the  people  a  chance  to  vote  such  fellows  out  of 
office,  and  they'll  enforce  the  law  rather  than 
lose  their  salaries.  You're  afraid  of  the  Na- 
tional Anti-Epicurean  League,  aren't  you?  "  she 
continued,  turning  upon  Mr.  Grundage  again. 
"  We'll  make  you  a  good  deal  more  afraid  of 
it  before  we  get  through.  Very  little  you  care 
about  increasing  taxes.  You're  afraid  you 
might  sell  less  whiskey." 

Here  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd  came  to  the  aid 
of  his  brother  "Honorable"  and  inquired  of 
Mrs.  Diggin  whether  she  intended  to  make  a 
speech  or  to  abuse  representatives  of  the  people. 


i82     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  Representatives  of  the  people !  "  she  ex- 
claimed. "  You  represent  the  people  a  lot, 
don't  you?  He  represents  the  liquor  business," 
pointing  to  the  Hon.  Mr.  Grundage,  "  and  an- 
other represents  some  other  monopoly,  and  an- 
other something  else  he  hadn't  ought  to 
represent.  You  ought  to  be  proud  of  your 
representatives,"  she  continued,  turning  and 
facing  the  audience,  which  laughed  heartily  at 
this  sally.  "  You  don't  want  them  I  know,  but 
you  can't  get  rid  of  them.  This  Bill  will  help 
you  to  get  rid  of  some  of  them." 

After  this  outburst,  Mr.  Whodd  wisely  con- 
cluded that  it  would  be  best  to  interrupt  Mrs. 
Diggin  no  further,  and  she  thereupon  proceeded 
to  give  her  lecture  on  "  The  Effects  of  Whiskey 
on  the  Human  Organism."  Unfortunately, 
this  did  not  prove  popular  with  the  audience,, 
for  diseased  anatomies  and  horrid  deaths  were 
not  pleasant  things  to  contemplate,  but  these 
she  declared  were  the  inevitable  results  of 
whiskey  drinking  and  whiskey  selling.  Mr. 
Whodd,  however,  was  strengthened  in  his  total 
abstinence  resolution  as  Mrs.  Diggin  fixed  her 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      183 

eyes  sternly  upon  him  during  one  of  her  ve- 
hement passages  and  referred  ominously  to 
"  flushed  faces  "  and  "  discolored  eyes."  Hav- 
ing talked  for  nearly  an  hour  upon  this  edify- 
ing subject,  she  concluded  by  warning  the  Com- 
mittee that  if  they  did  not  favorably  report  the 
Bill  she  would  publicly  denounce  them  in  every 
lecture  she  delivered  in  the  State  in  the  next 
three  months. 

No  sooner  had  Mrs.  Diggin  concluded  her 
remarks  than  Mr.  Whodd,  who  for  his  part 
could  see  no  sense  in  the  Bill  anyway,  and  who 
distrusted  his  ability  to  stay  awake  longer,  an- 
nounced that  the  Committee  would  then  ad- 
journ and  if  further  arguments  were  to  be  made 
another  hearing  would  be  given. 

But  popular  clamor  was  so  loud  for  the  Bill 
that  the  Committee  decided  to  report  it  favor- 
ably and  let  both  sides  fight  it  out  on  the  floor 
of  the  Assembly.  There  it  was  debated  for 
several  days  before  crowded  galleries.  Orators 
on  both  sides  presented  with  much  vehemence 
its  advantages  and  its  defects;  all  sorts  of  plans 
were  laid  to  defeat  it  and  all  sorts  of  plans  laid 


i84     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

to  defeat  the  plans  to  defeat  it;  there  were 
caucuses  and  conferences,  and  propositions  and 
counter-propositions,  and  charges  of  corrup- 
tion and  charges  of  intimidation,  until  at  last 
by  a  narrow  margin  it  passed  its  second  read- 
ing and  the  third  day  following  was  fixed  as 
the  time  for  taking  the  final  vote.  Those  were 
three  anxious  days  for  Mr.  Whittleback  and  for 
thousands  of  his  countrymen,  for  notwithstand- 
ing the  fact  that  Mr.  Kingfisher  remained  loyal 
to  the  Bill,  no  one  could  predict  with  any  cer- 
tainty the  final  result. 

The  momentous  day  has  arrived.  A  vast 
throng  fills  every  inch  of  standing  room  in  the 
galleries  and  corridors.  The  faces  of  the 
legislators  are  tense  with  excitement;  hardly  one 
but  has  some  constituent  among  the  audience. 
In  a  country  which  is  never  tired  of  boasting  of 
its  freedom  the  citizens  of  a  great  State  have 
been  seeking  by  threats  and  petitions  to  force 
the  men  they  have  elected  to  office  to  pass  a 
law  they  desire  enacted. 

A  silence  has  fallen  on  the  Assembly.     Every 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      185 

one  is  attention.  The  Hon.  Harrison  King- 
fisher is  even  now  thinking  of  the  patronage 
which  will  be  at  his  disposal  when  the  Bill  be- 
comes a  law.  The  silence  is  broken  by  the 
voice  of  the  Clerk  announcing  the  name  of  the 
Bill,  "  A  Bill  to  Restore  Representative  Gov- 
ernment,"  and  almost  immediately  he  starts  to 
call  the  roll  and  the  voting  begins.  Ayes  are 
followed  by  nays  and  nays  by  ayes  in  rapid  suc- 
cession. Mr.  Kingfisher  has  worked  hard  for 
the  Bill,  but  Mr.  Grundage  has  worked  hard 
against  it.  Two  members  have  changed  their 
votes  since  the  last  reading  and  have  now  voted 
no.  The  excitement  becomes  Intense.  It  is 
now  a  grave  question  whether  the  Bill  will  pass. 
Mr.  Kingfisher,  who  is  keeping  tally  in  his 
private  record  book,  sees  that  it  is  very  close,  so 
close,  indeed,  that  after  the  "  V's  "  have  been 
reached  the  Bill  needs  one  more  vote  to  pass, 
and  there  Is  but  one  more  name  on  the  list: 
John  L.  Whodd.  Mr.  Kingfisher  hastily  turns 
to  the  seat  occupied  by  that  distinguished  legis- 
lator. Mr.  Whodd  Is  not  there.  It  was  not 
Mr.   Kingfisher's  fault  that  he  should   forget 


i86     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

to  look  after  Mr.  Whodd,  for  was  it  to  be 
expected  that  the  Chairman  of  the  Committee 
which  favorably  reported  the  Bill  would  need 
any  looking  after? 

"  We  forgot  to  keep  Whodd  sober,"  mutters 
Mr.  Kingfisher  to  himself.  *'  Grundage  has 
got  him  drunk.     A  fatal  mistake." 

An  instant  later  the  Clerk  announces:  "  John 
L.  Whodd  of  Poquogg." 

No  response. 

"  John  L.  Whodd  of  Poquogg,"  repeats  the 
Clerk. 

Still  no  response. 

"  Absent,"  shouts  the  Sergeant-at-Arms,  as  a 
titter  runs  through  the  ranks  of  the  Bill's  op- 
ponents, who  know  Mr.  Whodd's  weakness  for 
good  whiskey. 

*'  John  L.  Whodd  of  Poquogg,"  shouts  the 
Clerk  for  the  third  and  last  time. 

Still  no  response. 

"  Lost,"  announces  the  Speaker,  after  the  of- 
ficial count  has  been  made. 

"  Lost,"  repeats  the  Sergeant-at-Arms. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      187 

Lost  I  After  three  weeks  of  hard  work  and 
prodigious  effort.  Lost,  after  the  hardest  fight 
that  had  been  made  for  a  Bill  in  many  a  day, 
and  lost,  too,  in  such  a  manner.  It  was  enough 
to  blast  forever  the  hopes  of  the  most  optimistic 
Reformer  who  ever  set  his  foot  in  the  Capital. 


CHAPTER  XXII 

THE  course  of  this  history  has  taken  us  so 
far  from  Sky  View  and  led  us  into  such 
bitter  poHtical  conflicts,  that  it  is  with  a  feehng 
of  great  satisfaction  we  return  to  that  country 
village,  the  scene  of  many  political  conflicts,  in- 
deed, but  now  in  summer  one  of  the  quietest 
places  in  all  the  world.  It  was  not  one  of  your 
hustling,  bustling  towns,  with  people  coming  in 
and  going  out,  and  changing  its  population  over 
night;  in  fact,  it  was  almost  unchanged  from 
what  it  had  been  a  half  century  before;  and 
although  the  railroad  carried  more  people  by 
it  in  a  single  day  than  there  were  people  in  all 
its  confines,  it  caught  nothing  of  the  spirit  of 
the  busy  world  beyond,  but  remained  a  country 
town  and  was  not  ambitious  to  be  anything  else. 
No  place  could  be  found  better  suited  to  the 
needs  of  a  man  like  Erasmus  Dusenbury  than 
this  very  village  where  we  found  Mr.  Whittle- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      189 

back,  and  nowhere  could  be  found  a  man  more 
in  contrast  to  the  men  with  whom  we  have  been 
dealing,  for  Mr.  Dusenbury  was  a  man  of  let- 
ters. He  was  always  proving  something.  He 
claimed  to  be  a  scientist;  therefore  he  could  take 
nothing  for  granted.  He  had  once  been  a 
teacher  in  the  village  school,  but  had  retired 
from  that  occupation  to  devote  the  remaining 
years  of  his  life  to  the  cause  of  Science.  This 
unusual  proceeding  had  brought  him  much 
notoriety  among  his  townsmen,  who  debated 
among  themselves  as  to  whether  he  was  a  little 
out  of  his  mind  or  had  received  an  unexpected 
legacy.  He  explained  it  thus:  As  a  teacher  he 
could  be  of  service  only  to  Sky  View;  as  a 
scientist  he  would  be  of  service  to  the  world; 
for  he  believed  that  he  had  discovered  a  new 
Law,  which  he  named  "  The  Law  of  Mutual 
Attraction,"  in  obedience  to  which  every  particle 
of  matter  in  the  universe  is  continually  striving 
to  single  out  and  attach  itself  to  every  other 
particle  of  the  same  kind,  thus  causing  the  revo- 
lution of  the  earth  upon  its  axis,  the  growth  of 
plants  and  trees,  the  ebbing  and  flowing  of  the 


190     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

tides,  In  short,  all  the  various  changes  that  are 
constantly  taking  place  upon  this  or  any  other 
planet.  To  acquaint  the  world  with  the  opera- 
tions of  this  important  Law  was  the  object  of 
his  literary  labors.  He  frequently  turned  aside 
from  his  main  theme,  however,  to  disprove  fal- 
lacies which  seemed  to  be  continually  creeping 
into  the  minds  of  scientific  men  in  other  parts 
of  the  world.  Perhaps  he  would  hear  that  some 
scientist  of  repute  was  a  believer  in  axioms,  and 
he  would  immediately  set  to  work  to  show  that 
brother  the  error  of  his  way,  for  axioms  Mr. 
Dusenbury  regarded  as  dangerous  shoals  in  the 
route  of  scientific  voyagers  and  would  have 
nothing  to  do  with  them.  Everything  must  be 
proved  and  nothing  assumed,  as  this  taking 
something  for  granted  and  calling  it  an  axiom 
might  lead  nobody  could  tell  where. 

Spring  had  come,  and  the  Spirit  of  the  Spring 
breathed  over  the  earth.  Her  breath  had  a 
mystic  power,  for  flowers  and  grass  appeared 
everywhere.  The  bare  mountains  were  filled 
with  verdure  and  were  transformed  into  a  fairy 
country   and   a   new  world   of  life   and  living 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      191 

things.  The  fields  became  gardens,  the  mead- 
ows became  pastures.  Lakes  became  the 
center  of  summer  colonies  and  farm  houses 
were  turned  into  summer  hotels.  Camping 
parties  pitched  their  tents  by  quiet  springs  or 
mountain  streams  under  the  open  sky.  Nature 
was  making  her  call  again  to  the  sons  of  men 
and  they  were  responding,  for  she  was  never 
disappointing. 

Mr.  Dusenbury  was  not  one  of  those  who 
would  leave  his  work  even  for  a  brief  time  to 
enjoy  the  beauties  about  him;  he  was  interested 
in  knowing  and  proving  the  why  of  things. 
Now  when  the  summer  is  far  advanced  see  him 
in  his  room  at  the  Home  Club,  a  trim,  little 
figure  with  a  kindly  face,  and  eager  eyes  cov- 
ered by  spectacles,  writing  away  for  dear  life, 
chuckling,  perhaps,  at  some  proposition  he  has 
just  demonstrated  which  will  throw  consterna- 
tion among  a  lot  of  upstart  scientists  who  are 
willing  to  take  something  for  granted.  While 
we  are  watching  him  the  Club's  steward  en- 
ters and  announces  a  visitor.  It  is  against  his 
rule  to  receive  visitors  in  the  morning,  but  when 


192     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

he  learns  that  this  visitor  is  a  stranger  who  has 
come  all  the  way  from  England,  and  is  a  Cap- 
tain as  well,  he  relents  and  consents  to  receive 
him. 

"  I  am  Captain  Berwick,"  said  the  stranger, 
when  he  was  ushered  into  the  room.  He  was  a 
short,  fat  little  man,  with  eyes  which  set  too 
far  out  of  his  head,  and  brown  side  whiskers. 
He  talked  by  fits  and  jerks  and  had  a  funny 
habit  of  beginning  a  sentence  in  a  high  key  and 
ending  it  in  a  low  one.  "  And  this  is  Mr. 
Dusenbury?"  he  continued,  dropping  into  the 
low  key. 

"Can  you  prove  it,  sir?"  demanded  Mr. 
Dusenbury,  removing  his  spectacles  and  look- 
ing the  Captain  over. 

Captain  Berwick  was  somewhat  taken  back 
by  this  inquiry,  but  he  quickly  recovered  him- 
self and  replied:  "Well  now,  sir,  that  shows 
you  are  a  scientific  man,  which  if  I  hadn't  known 
before  I  should  know  now."  This  remark  so 
pleased  Mr.  Dusenbury  that  he  pursued  the 
embarrassing  subject  no  further,  but  shook 
hands  with  his  visitor  and  bade  him  welcome. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      193 

"  You're  always  shaking  hands  in  this  coun- 
try, aren't  you?  "  remarked  the  Captain  in  the 
high  key. 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Dusenbury,  "  we  get  it 
from  the  politicians  I  guess." 

"  I'm  from  England,  you  know,"  the  Captain 
announced  in  the  low  key. 

Captain  Berwick  had  heard  much  about  the 
great  amount  of  tobacco  which  was  yearly  con- 
sumed in  pipes  and  cigars  by  the  American  peo- 
ple. Convinced  of  the  vast  physical  harm 
which  in  course  of  time  would  thereby  be  done 
to  the  citizens  of  the  Republic,  he  determined  to 
invent  something  that  would  greatly  lessen  it. 
His  knowledge  of  chemistry  and  mechanics  came 
to  his  relief  and  he  at  last  perfected  an  instru- 
ment which  he  believed  would  accomplish  his 
purpose,  and  only  waited  a  favorable  oppor- 
timity  of  introducing  it  to  the  American  Public. 
An  accommodating  relative  having  died  and 
left  him  a  legacy,  he  considered  it  a  favorable 
time  to  visit  America,  and  here  we  find  him  in 
Sky  View,  talking  to  Mr.  Dusenbury,  as  much 
at  home  as  he  ever  was  in  all  his  life. 


194     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  You're  a  scientist,"  he  continued,  without 
giving  Mr.  Dusenbury  a  chance  to  reply  to  his 
last  remark;  "you've  heard  of  the  Royal  So- 
ciety? Well,  I'm  a  friend  of  the  Royal 
Society." 

Having  delivered  these  credentials,  which 
made  a  profound  impression  upon  his  audience, 
he  went  on  to  say  that  he  might  be  considered 
somewhat  of  a  scientist  himself,  for  he  had  a 
high  regard  for  men  of  learning;  he  was  just 
about  to  relate  how  he  had  happened  to  reach 
Sky  View  and  hear  of  Mr.  Dusenbury,  when 
that  gentleman  interrupted  him  and  declared 
that  if  the  Captain  were  a  scientist  it  was  all 
very  plain,  as  one  scientist  would  naturally 
be  attracted  to  another,  for  according  to  the 
Law  of  Mutual  Attraction  like  objects  attracted 
like,  and  he  thereupon  proceeded  to  explain  to 
the  Captain  how  this  Law  of  Mutual  Attraction 
solved  the  whole  problem  of  the  existence  of  the 
universe  and  explained  all  the  various  activities 
of  human  life.  The  Captain  proved  such  an 
appreciative  listener  to  this  discourse  that  Mr. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      195 

Dusenbury  declared  he  was  a  man  after  his  own 
heart  and  Invited  him  to  be  his  guest  at  the 
Club  for  an  indefinite  time. 


CHAPTER  XXIII 

WAS  there  ever  such  a  festival  as  the 
Poquogg  County  Fair?  It  came  just  at 
the  right  time  of  the  year,  when  the  summer's 
work  was  done.  Then  the  farmers  brought  out 
their  big  wagons  and  took  their  wives  and  chil- 
dren for  a  day  of  merry  making.  Early  in  the 
morning  they  left  their  homes  from  every  part 
of  the  county,  drove  along  the  country  roads, 
laughing,  singing,  shouting,  until  at  last  they 
came  to  Gilead  and  caught  sight  of  the  Fair 
Grounds  down  in  the  valley,  all  decked  out  with 
flags  and  bunting  and  gay  colors  of  every 
description. 

The  Fair  lasted  a  week,  but  there  was  al- 
ways "  the  best  day."  The  politicians  of  the 
last  century  early  saw  the  advantages  which 
the  county  fairs  afforded  for  meeting  their  con- 
stituents and  discussing  political  questions. 
196 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      197 

So  "  the  best  day  "  of  a  Fair  week  was  "  Poli- 
tician Day,"  when  some  well-known  politician 
honored  the  Fair  by  his  presence. 

This  is  "  Whittleback  Day  "  at  the  Poquogg 
County  Fair;  for  on  this  day  the  Hon.  Na- 
thaniel Whittleback,  Poquogg  County's  distin- 
guished citizen,  who  is  soon  to  represent  the 
county  in  the  State  Legislature,  is  to  be  present, 
and  Is  to  make  a  speech.  People  who  have 
been  here  on  the  other  days  come  again  to-day, 
and  those  who  can  come  but  once  come  to-day. 
All  the  county  is  here,  it  would  seem:  Grand- 
fathers and  grandmothers;  hardy  young  farm- 
ers and  their  buxom  wives;  happy  young  couples 
strolling  arm  in  arm  about  the  grounds;  rollick- 
ing children,  who  spend  their  pennies  at  the 
candy  booths  and  play  hide  and  seek  among  the 
crowd;  horse  jockeys,  who  hold  forth  to  won- 
dering groups  about  their  favorite  steeds. 
There  are  pick  pockets,  who  follow  in  the  wake 
of  county  fairs;  sharpers  from  the  city,  who 
play  tricks  upon  the  country  lads;  strolling  play- 
ers, who  play  the  latest  songs  and  sing  them 


198      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

too;  and  acrobats,  who  perform  for  merry 
crowds  in  little  tents  pitched  here  and  there. 
All  is  merriment  and  Nature  seems  to  smile 
upon  the  happy  scene.  The  crowd  wander 
through  the  building  where  the  exhibits  are 
displayed,  admire  the  prize  sheep,  handle  the 
great  ears  of  corn  and  the  bright  red  apples, 
clap  their  hands  at  sight  of  the  massive  pump- 
kins and  the  big  yellow  turnips,  marvel  at  the 
size  of  the  prize  pig,  and  run  away  when  the 
prize  bull  begins  to  bellow  and  to  paw  the 
ground  with  such  a  savage  air. 

But  Mr.  Whittleback  has  not  come  yet. 

They  ride  upon  the  merry-go-rounds,  and 
dance  to  the  music  of  the  band,  drink  the  lemon- 
ade which  has  the  recommendation  of  having 
been  made  in  the  shade  and  stirred  by  an  old 
maid,  buy  peanuts,  candy,  cakes  and  fruit,  and 
then  form  in  groups  and  eat  their  dinners  while 
sitting  on  the  ground. 

The  jockeys  bring  out  their  horses  and  ex- 
ercise them  on  the  track.  And  now  the  crowd 
rush  over  to  where  the  jockeys  are  and  praise 
the  horses  and  their  drivers. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      199 

But  a  great  shout  Is  heard;  Mr.  Whittleback 
is  coming  at  last.  All  rush  to  the  entrance 
gate.  There  comes  the  big  four-seated  wagon 
with  Its  spanking  team.  The  horses  are  gal- 
loping, the  band  strikes  up  a  lively  air  and 
everybody  shouts.  They  all  make  way,  and 
the  horses  are  brought  to  a  stop  right  In  the 
crowd.  There  Is  Mr.  Tubbmann  with  his 
great  broad-brimmed  hat  saluting  the  crowd 
with  a  martial  air;  there  Is  Mr.  Whittleback 
smiling  and  bowing  in  all  directions;  there  Is 
Mr.  Scouten,  and  President  Costalne,  and  Mr. 
Dusenbury,  and  by  Mr.  Dusenbury's  side,  with 
his  eyes  fixed  upon  the  crowd  and  marvelling 
greatly  at  it  and  staring  at  everybody  and 
everything,  sits  Captain  Berwick,  delighted  be- 
yond expression  at  having  such  a  favorable  op- 
portunity of  Introducing  his  invention  to  the 
American  people. 

No  sooner  do  Mr.  Whittleback  and  his  com- 
panions alight  than  the  crowd  charge  up  to 
them,  and  shake  hands  with  them.  Everybody 
must  do  himself  the  honor  of  shaking  hands 
with    Mr.    Whittleback.     That    distinguished 


200     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

man  never  received  so  flattering  a  reception  in 
all  his  life,  and  is  kept  busy  giving  hearty  hand- 
shakes in  every  direction.  The  crowd  bear 
him  and  his  associates  in  triumphal  procession 
to  the  building  where  the  exhibits  are  displayed 
and  Mr.  Whittleback  praises  everything  and 
everybody.  He  pats  the  children  on  the  head 
and  tells  them  what  fine  children  they  are. 
The  prize  cows  and  the  prize  sheep  are  the 
finest  he  has  ever  seen,  and  this  is  the  greatest 
day  he  has  ever  had,  which,  in  truth,  it  is. 
Then  the  crowd  bear  him  over  to  the  stables 
to  see  the  horses,  and  Mr.  Whittleback  shakes 
hands  with  the  jockeys  and  tells  them  it  gives 
him  great  pleasure  to  look  into  their  honest 
faces.  The  jockeys  advise  him  upon  which 
horses  to  bet  and  upon  which  not  to  bet.  Then 
the  crowd  charge  up  to  the  Grand  Stand  and 
take  seats,  for  now  the  fun  is  to  begin  in  earnest. 
Mr.  Whittleback,  Mr.  Tubbmann,  Mr. 
Scouten,  and  a  number  of  other  prominent  citi- 
zens and  horsemen,  have  been  selected  to  act 
as  the  judges  of  the  horse  races,  and  so  are  con- 
ducted to  the  Judges'  stand.     Upon  taking  the 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      201 

seat  reserved  for  him  Mr.  Whittleback  finds 
sitting  next  to  him  the  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd, 
as  jolly  and  red-faced  as  ever.  The  Hon.  Mr. 
Whodd  gives  Mr.  Whittleback  a  hearty  hand- 
shake and  informs  him,  in  a  whisper,  that  he 
has  not  touched  a  drop  of  whiskey  since  his  un- 
fortunate experience  at  the  Capital.  "  Good," 
replies  Mr.  Whittleback,  "Til  be  blessed  if 
that  isn't  the  best  thing  I've  heard  in  a  long 
while."  Then  the  jockeys  line  up  their  horses 
and  the  Official  Starter  calls  the  first  race.  The 
horses  start  and  everybody  cheers.  The  jock- 
eys and  horses  do  their  best.  The  four  horses 
are  even.  They  continue  even  and  cross  the 
line  almost  even.  Everybody  shouts,  the  band 
begins  to  play,  and  the  first  race  is  over.  But 
the  money  does  not  change  hands;  no  one  is 
satisfied;  no  one  will  hand  over.  There  is  a 
fight  and  the  crowd  take  sides.  Policeman 
RaflPerty,  who  has  been  imported  to  maintain 
order,  rushes  forward,  charges  the  combatants, 
and  knocks  them  to  the  ground.  It  Is  all  over, 
and  the  crowd  resume  their  seats.  The  next 
race  gives  better  satisfaction;  there  is  no  doubt 


202      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

about  who  is  the  winner  this  time  and  every- 
body is  happy  except  the  men  who  lose  their 
bets. 

There  is  an  intermission  before  the  next  race 
begins.  The  band  plays  and  the  people  talk 
and  laugh  and  eat  more  peanuts  and  drink 
more  soda  water.  Mr.  Scouten  informs  Mr. 
Whlttleback  that  they  had  better  come  down- 
stairs, for  there  are  some  voters  who  desire 
to  meet  him,  and  that  any  way  they  must  mix 
among  the  people. 

As  soon  as  Mr.  Whlttleback  and  Mr.  Scouten 
make  their  appearance  on  the  other  side  of  the 
track  where  the  crowd  were,  they  were  beset 
by  a  great  number  of  people  who  desired  to  be 
introduced.  Here  was  a  good  Republican, 
Mr.  Scouten  declared,  shaking  hands  with  him, 
who  had  always  been  a  Republican;  yes,  and  he 
always  would  be  a  Republican,  the  man  de- 
clared, as  he  shook  hands  with  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,  as  long  as  the  Republican  Party  had  in  it 
such  men  as  Mr.  Whlttleback.  Here  was  an- 
other man  who  had  until  lately  been  a  Demo- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      203 

crat,  but  had  never  been  able  to  get  anything 
from  that  Party,  and  so  had  suddenly  been  so 
touched  by  the  public  sacrifices  of  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback  that  he  had  come  into  the  Republican 
Party,  and  now  inquired  if  Mr.  Whittleback 
could  not  get  him  a  pass  to  Niagara  Falls. 
Here  was  another  who  was  always  looking  for 
an  easy  job,  and  who  now  asked  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  to  get  him  such  a  job,  for  he  had  always 
voted  the  Republican  ticket,  but  had  never  got- 
ten anything  except  a  few  passes.  Here  was 
another  who  had  been  the  bane  of  every  politi- 
cian for  the  last  thirty  years,  for  he  had  the  mis- 
fortune always  to  have  a  relative  to  be  provided 
for,  and  he  now  asked  Mr.  Whittleback  to  get 
a  job  for  his  daughter's  husband,  who,  follow- 
ing the  example  of  his  father-in-law,  always 
voted  the  Republican  ticket  and  was  the  father 
of  five  sons,  each  of  whom  when  he  came  of 
age  would  vote  the  Republican  ticket.  To  all 
these  and  many,  many  more,  whose  great  rec- 
ommendation was  that  they  always  voted  the 
Republican  ticket,  Mr.  Whittleback  gave  hearty 
handshakes    and   assurances   that    he    was    de- 


204     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

lighted  to  see  them  and  would  certainly  do  all 
in  his  power  to  carry  out  their  wishes,  and  even 
patted  some  of  them  on  the  back. 

Suddenly  a  rough  looking  man  who  carried  a 
cane  and  wore  large  spectacles  edged  his  way 
through  the  crowd. 

"You're  a  Reformer?"  he  inquired  of  Mr. 
Whittleback. 
"  Yes." 

"You're  a  Republican,  aren't  you?" 
"  Yes." 

"  Well,  I  don't  belong  to  either  Party." 
"  But  you're  going  to  vote  for  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  when  he  is  nominated,   aren't  you?"  in- 
quired Mr.  Scouten,  giving  him  a  hearty  hand- 
shake. 

"  No,  sir,"  replied  the  stranger,  "  I  never 
vote,  sir.  I'm  disgusted  with  both  Parties,  sir; 
and  if  you  knew  as  much  about  'em  as  I  do,"  he 
continued,  shaking  his  fist  at  Mr.  Whittleback, 
"  you  wouldn't  vote  either," 

"  You  might  better  get  in  and  fight  to  make 
things  better,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Whittleback,  his 
anger  rising. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      205 

"What  good  would  that  do?"  asked  the 
man. 

"  You'd  be  doing  your  duty  for  one  thing," 
retorted  Mr.  Whittleback,  "  and  when  enough 
men  get  in  the  fight  to  make  things  better 
they'll  be  better." 

This  doctrine  evidently  did  not  please  the 
stranger,  for  he  disappeared  as  suddenly  as  he 
had  come. 

Hardly  had  Mr.  Whittleback  recovered  from 
this  attack,  when  Mrs,  Diggin  came  pushing 
her  way  through  the  crowd  right  up  to  him. 
She  had  just  finished  delivering  a  temperance 
lecture  in  the  Exhibition  Building,  and  now  de- 
manded in  very  peremptory  tones  that  he  stop 
the  sale  of  whiskey  on  the  Fair  Grounds. 

That  whiskey  was  being  sold  on  the  Fair 
Grounds  was  shown  by  the  fact  that  Mrs.  Dig- 
gin had  no  sooner  made  her  demand  than  up 
came  Alderman  Whitfield  Satterley  in  that  con- 
dition which  is  commonly  designated  as  "  feeling 
good." 

"You  ran  away  from  me,  didn't  you?"  he 
exclaimed,  addressing  Mr.  Whittleback.     "  But 


2o6      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

I  found  you  out,  Honorable,  didn't  I?  And 
this  lady  here,"  he  continued,  turning  to  Mrs. 
Diggin  and  holding  out  his  hand,  which  she  did 
not  take — "I'm  not  an  Honorable,  Madam," 
he  explained,  still  holding  out  his  hand,  "  but  I'm 
one  of  the  plain  people  and  " — after  a  pause, 
with  a  great  deal  of  emphasis  — "  free-and-in- 
dependent!  Glad  to  meet  you.  Madam,"  he 
continued,  after  Mrs.  Diggin  had  at  last  con- 
sented to  shake  hands  with  him;  "  let  me  intro- 
duce you  to  the  Honorable." 

"  There,  sir,"  interposed  Mrs.  Diggin,  ad- 
dressing Mr.  Whittleback,  "  look  at  him !  " 
Mr.  Satterley  presented  a  sorry  spectacle,  be- 
ing rather  unsteady  on  his  legs.  "  You  now 
have  positive  evidence,  sir,  that  what  I  have 
said  is  true,  and  it's  a  disgrace  to  the  coun- 
try!" 

"  You  don't  meantersay,  do  you.  Madam, 
nor  the  Honorable  here,  that  I  ain't  free-and- 
independent!  We're  all  free-and-independent. 
Three  cheers  for  liberty  and  freedom !  "  Mr. 
Satterley  threw  up  his  hands,  but  quickly 
brought    them    down    again,    for   this    sudden 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      207 

movement    had    nearly    thrown    him    to    the 
ground. 

By  this  time  a  large  crowd  had  begun  to 
collect  around  the  actors  in  this  scene  —  for  it 
possessed  the  advantage  of  being  a  free  exhibi- 
tion—  and  Mr.  Scouten  and  Mr.  Whitdeback 
beat  a  hasty  retreat,  leaving  Mr.  Satterley  hold- 
ing forth  to  the  crowd  on  freedom  and  inde- 
pendence, much  to  everybody's  amusement  but 
very  little  to  their  edification.  Before  he  had 
concluded,  Mrs.  Diggin  began  to  deliver  her 
lecture  on  "  The  Practical  Effects  of  Whiskey 
on  the  Human  Organism,"  which  had  the  un- 
fortunate effect  of  causing  the  crowd  to  depart 
hastily,  leaving  both  speakers,  much  to  the  dis- 
gust of  each,  without  an  audience. 

While  Mr.  Whittleback  was  holding  his 
court,  Mr.  Dusenbury  and  Captain  Berwick 
made  a  tour  of  the  Fair  Grounds  In  the  Interest 
of  the  Captain's  Invention.  Mr.  Dusenbury 
conducted  his  guest  to  the  different  booths  where 
several  Ingenious  Yankees  were  exhibiting  their 
Inventions.     One  sold  a  horse  medicine  guar- 


208      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

anteed  to  put  enough  life  into  any  horse,  no 
matter  how  far  gone,  to  enable  the  owner  to 
sell  him  to  another  party,  which  medicine  would 
be  sold  exclusively  in  Poquogg  County  at  the 
ridiculously  low  price  of  one  dollar  per  bottle. 
Another  was  happy  to  be  able  to  give  them  the 
opportunity  of  buying  very  remarkable  eye- 
glasses that  would  enable  a  person  to  see  as  well 
in  the  night  as  in  the  day,  and  of  which  thou- 
sands of  pairs  were  being  sold  daily  all  over  the 
country,  simply  because  the  people  knew  a  good 
thing  when  they  saw  it.  There  had  been  many 
inventions  for  milking  cows,  a  third  declared 
to  the  crowd  which  surrounded  him,  but  they 
had  never  been  successful  because  they  had 
gone  on  the  wrong  principle.  He  held  up  be- 
fore them  the  only  real  practical  cow  milker 
that  had  ever  been  invented.  Thousands  of 
dollars  had  been  spent  to  perfect  it.  It  was  a 
small  instrument,  to  be  sure,  but  it  worked  by 
suction  and  was  the  greatest  invention  of  the 
age;  only  seventy-five  cents.  "Think  of  it, 
gentlemen,  only  seventy-five  cents."  Another 
of  these  inventive  geniuses  held  up  a  small  hot- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      209 

tie  in  sight  of  his  audience  and  demanded  to 
know  why  the  brush  grew  on  their  farms. 
Simply  because  they  did  not  use  what  was  in 
that  bottle.  Brown's  Brush  Exterminator,  if 
sprinkled  over  the  brush  stumps,  would  prevent 
the  brush  from  ever  growing  up  again.  "  Right 
this  way,  gentlemen,  save  hundreds  of  dollars, 
Brown's  Brush  Exterminator  will  do  the  busi- 
ness, only  forty-nine  cents  a  bottle."  Some  of 
the  people  did  step  up,  but  others  did  not  step 
up,  and  some  took  it  as  a  good  joke,  but  Captain 
Berwick  was  much  encouraged  and  every  min- 
ute became  more  firmly  convinced  that  all  he 
needed  to  do  was  to  place  his  invention  before 
the  Public  and  it  would  be  a  great  success. 
Having  come  to  this  conclusion,  which  he  at 
once  communicated  to  Mr.  Dusenbury,  they  set 
out  to  find  the  rest  of  their  party,  from  whom 
they  had  now  been  separated  for  some  time. 
They  were  soon  met  by  a  stranger  who  intro- 
duced himself  to  Mr.  Dusenbury  as  Prof. 
Muggsgrave,  a  brother  scientist.  The  Pro- 
fessor had  long  been  engaged  in  an  elaborate 
speculation  on  how  long  it  would  take  the  world 


2IO     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

to  go  back  to  its  primeval  state  if  all  its  inhabi- 
tants should  suddenly  be  swept  out  of  existence. 
He  had  embodied  his  conclusions  on  this  inter- 
esting subject  in  an  exhaustive  manuscript, 
which  would  undoubtedly  have  brought  him 
world-wide  fame,  if  he  had  not  had  the  singu- 
lar misfortune  of  never  getting  it  published. 
Mr.  Dusenbury  and  the  Professor  immediately 
fell  into  a  profound  discussion  of  the  latter's 
work,  and  their  acquaintance  was  fast  ripening 
into  friendship, —  much  to  Captain  Berwick's 
mortification, —  when  the  Professor  took  the 
unfortunate  step  of  avowing  himself  a  believer 
in  axioms,  whereupon  Mr.  Dusenbury  burst 
into  a  great  rage  and  immediately  left  him  in 
high  dudgeon,  at  the  same  time  declaring  that 
any  man  who  believed  in  axioms  was  unfit  to 
be  a  devotee  of  Science,  and  that  the  Professor 
furnished  a  striking  proof  of  the  doctrine  of 
nemo  sine  insanitate  quadam. 

A  man  who  had  been  an  interested  listener 
to  this  discussion  now  stepped  up  and  said  he 
saw  they  were  scientific  gentlemen;  that  being 
the  case,  he  would  like  to  show  them  something 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      211 

he  had  just  seen  which  he  considered  very  re- 
markable; would  they  object?  Mr.  Dusen- 
bury  would  not  object  if  it  was  to  be  of  service 
to  a  scientific  man.  The  stranger  then  led 
them  to  a  small  crowd  which  had  gathered 
about  a  man  who  was  shuffling  cards.  "  This 
man  does  something  I  don't  understand,"  the 
stranger  continued;  "  I  should  like  to  have  you 
explain  it."  The  man  with  the  cards  inquired 
which  of  the  gentlemen  would  take  a  chance. 
The  stranger  said  he  would.  It  cost  a  dollar. 
The  stranger  laid  down  a  dollar.  The  man 
then  displayed  three  cards  marked  i,  2  and  3. 
"  Which  card  do  you  choose,  sir?  "  "  Number 
3."  "  All  right,  sir.  Gentlemen,  watch  me," 
and  he  proceeded  to  pass  the  cards  through  his 
hands  very  slowly.  "  Watch  card  Number  3." 
All  kept  their  eyes  fixed  on  card  Number  3. 
Suddenly  the  man  stopped  and  asked  the 
stranger  to  pick  out  card  Number  3.  He  did 
so.      It  was  Number  4. 

"  A  v^ery  strange  thing,"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Dusenbury,  putting  on  his  spectacles  and  look- 
ing at  the  cards,  that  were  now  handed  to  him. 


212      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"Want  to  try  it  yourself?"  suggested  the 
owner  of  the  cards.  Yes,  Mr.  Dusenbury 
would  try  it.  He  could  not  try  it  without  put- 
ting down  his  dollar,  though.  Well,  Mr. 
Dusenbury  would  put  down  his  dollar.  What 
card  would  he  choose?  Mr.  Dusenbury  chose 
Number  2.  The  man  told  him  to  watch  Num- 
ber 2  carefully,  while  he  shuffled  the  cards 
slowly  through  his  hands.  Suddenly  he  stopped 
and  asked  Mr.  Dusenbury  to  pick  out  Number 
2,  If  he  picked  out  Number  2  he  should  have 
his  dollar  back  and  another  dollar  also.  If  he 
did  not,  he  lost  his  dollar.  Mr.  Dusenbury 
picked  out  the  card  he  had  been  following  all 
the  while  —  it  was  Number  i. 

"  A  very  strange  thing,  Mr.  Berwick,"  he  ex- 
claimed, to  which  the  Captain  readily  agreed, 
whereupon  the  man  with  the  cards  asked  the 
Captain  if  he  did  not  wish  to  try  his  luck. 
The  Captain  did,  but  he  objected  to  putting 
down  the  dollar.  It  being  clearly  a  case  where 
a  question  of  Science  was  involved,  Mr.  Dusen- 
bury put  down  the  dollar  and  the  Captain 
picked  out  card  Number  i.     They  all  followed 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      213 

it  closely  with  their  eyes  as  the  man  passed 
the  cards  through  his  hands  again,  but  when  he 
stopped  and  the  Captain  was  requested  to 
pick  it  out,  instead  of  being  Number  i  it  was 
Number  2. 

"  I  declare  that  Is  a  very  strange  thing,  Mr. 
Berwick,"   repeated   Mr.   Dusenbury. 

Captain  Berwick  suggested  tricks. 

"  That's  what  some  scientists  would  call  a 
phenomenon,  sir,"  remarked  Mr.  Dusenbury. 
"  A  lot  of  ill-begotten  scientists,  when  they're 
too  lazy  to  prove  a  thing,  will  call  it  a  phe- 
nomenon, sir,"  and  he  was  about  to  explain  his 
invariable  rule  of  always  demonstrating  a  prop- 
osition when  their  attention  was  attracted  to 
another  quarter. 

Everybody  is  shouting  and  running  toward 
the  speakers'  platform.  It  is  In  front  of  the 
Grand  Stand.  There  are  some  distinguished 
men  upon  it.  They  are  the  representatives  of 
the  Public.  The  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd  repre- 
sents  the  Public  in  the  Assembly.  Jerome 
Alexander  Tubbmann  stands  for  the  dignity  of 


214     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

the  Bar.  The  Hon.  Henrick  Scouten  repre- 
sents the  Republican  Organization  of  Poquogg 
County,  which  has  arrayed  itself  so  magnifi- 
cently against  the  enemies  of  liberty.  The 
Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback,  the  greatest  of 
them  all,  represents  the  Reform  Movement, 
not  only  in  Poquogg  County,  but  throughout 
the  country.  What  a  distinction  it  Is  to  be 
upon  this  platform !  How  mothers  hold  up 
their  children  to  see  the  "  Honorables  "  and 
hope  that  when  the  children  grow  up  they  will 
get  as  high  in  the  world. 

Mr.  Scouten  comes  to  the  front  of  the  plat- 
form, the  band  stops  playing,  and  everybody 
shouts  and  cheers.  Mr.  Scouten  says  he  is 
glad  to  be  present.  He  is  also  glad  to  see 
them  all  so  prosperous.  There  was  a  time 
when  they  were  not  so  prosperous.  Who  had 
charge  of  the  government  at  that  time?  The 
Democratic  Party.  The  Public,  disgusted  with 
the  Democratic  Party,  wisely  put  the  Republi- 
can Party  in  power,  and  what  was  the  result? 
Good  times,  prosperity,  plenty  of  money. 

"  Are   you    going   to   keep    the    Republican 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     315 

Party  in  power  and  have  these  good  times  con- 
tinue, gentlemen?  Or  are  you  going  to  put  the 
Democratic  Party  in  and  let  the  country  go  to 
the  dogs?  " 

Cries  of,  "  No,  not  a  bit  of  it!  " 

"  I  don't  believe  you  are.  I  have  confidence 
in  the  people.  I  believe  that  when  election 
comes  this  fall  you  are  going  to  the  polls  and 
you  are  going  to  say:  Prosperity  and  the  Re- 
publican Party." 

Great  applause. 

"  But  I  did  not  come  here  to  make  a  political 
speech,"  Mr.  Scouten  continues,  "  I  came  here 
to  rejoice  at  your  prosperity  as  shown  by  your 
splendid  exhibits.  So  I  am  going  to  present  to 
you  one  who  needs  no  introduction,  for  you  all 
know  him  and  love  him,  the  Hon.  John  L. 
Whodd,  your  representative  in  the  Assembly." 

The  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd,  by  spending  most  of 
his  time  at  the  Capital,  and  by  giving  evidence 
of  great  good  fellowship  when  in  Poquogg 
County,  as  well  as  by  the  lavish  distribution  of 
passes,  has  become  a  very  popular  representa- 
tive and  has  won  the  reputation  of  being  an 


2i6     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

able  statesman.  He  Is  greeted  with  vociferous 
applause  as  he  comes  to  the  front  of  the  plat- 
form and  bows  and  smiles  at  everybody. 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,"  began  the  Hon. 
Mr.  Whodd,  "  I  have  had  one  of  the  best  times 
to-day  I  ever  had  in  my  life."  Great  ap- 
plause. "  Yes,  my  friends,  there's  nothing  like 
getting  back  home  among  your  own  people. 
And  I  want  to  say  right  here  that  we  have  got 
the  best  county  in  the  world.  Everything  here 
is  the  best.  You  have  the  best  horses  and  the 
best  cows,  you  have  the  best  cider  and  the  best 
potatoes,  and  so  I  say  I'm  glad  to  come  back  to 
old  Poquogg  county."  Laughter  and  ap- 
plause. "  And  right  here  I  want  to  say  a  word 
about  your  politics  and  your  politicians.  I 
know  a  whole  lot  of  politicians,  and  I 
say  the  best  politicians  on  earth  are  produced 
right  here  in  our  county."  Great  applause. 
"  And  the  best  part  of  it  Is  you're  all  Repub- 
licans." 

Here  some  enthusiastic  Republicans  jumped 
to  their  feet,  waved  their  hands  and  shouted, 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      217 

"Hurrah  for  Whodd!"     "Three  cheers  for 
Whodd!  "  until  they  were  hoarse. 

"  Now  my  friends,"  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd 
continued,  "  we're  going  to  have  an  election 
this  fall;  and  I  want  to  ask  you  why  you 
should  support  the  Republican  Party.  You 
young  ladies  and  gentlemen  " —  smiling  at  the 
younger  element  in  the  audience  — "  you're  the 
best  looking  people  on  earth."  Laughter  and 
applause.  "  And  you're  good  looking  because 
your  fathers  and  mothers  were  good  looking 
before  you."  More  applause.  "  Why,  ladies," 
the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd  continued,  "  I'm  good 
looking  myself  I"  Cries  of,  "Good,  Good," 
from  the  women,  while  the  men  nodded  their 
heads  and  observed  that  Whodd  was  at  his 
best.  "  But  all  the  people  of  this  State,  my 
friends,  are  not  as  good  looking  as  you  are. 
So  one  of  my  personal  friends,  the  representa- 
tive from  our  adjoining  District  —  and  a  good 
Republican!" — cries  of  "Bully  for  him!" — 
"  Introduced  a  Bill  at  the  last  session  which  au- 
thorized the  appointment  of  a  Commission  to 
Inquire  into  the  reason  why  there  aren't  more 


2i8     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

good  looking  people  in  this  State  in  proportion 
to  the  population.  A  Republican  Legislature 
passed  that  Bill  and  appropriated  $25,000  for 
the  use  of  that  Commission;  the  Hon.  Silas 
Grabb  is  its  chairman,  and  that  Commission 
will  report  ways  and  means  to  the  next  Legis- 
lature to  remedy  this  unfortunate  condition. 
And  I  say  that  the  Republican  Party  by  this  act 
alone  has  shown  itself  vitally  Interested  in  the 
welfare  of  the  people  of  this  State  and  deserves 
your  support  at  the  polls."     Great  applause. 

"  There  is  another  matter  to  which  I  want  to 
call  your  attention,"  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd 
continued.  "  In  some  sections  of  the  State 
unscrupulous  politicians  were  usurping  the 
rights  of  the  people  and  were  putting  into  office 
incompetent  men.  And  they  were  keeping 
them  in.  A  bad  condition  to  exist  in  a  free 
State.  But  there  is  a  man  among  you  who  has 
the  courage  and  the  genius  of  a  true  statesman. 
He  came  to  the  Capital  with  a  Bill  giving  the 
people  the  right  to  vote  any  office  holder  out 
of  office  as  soon  as  it  is  apparent  he  Is  unfit 
for  any  reason  longer  to  continue  in  office.     One 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      219 

of  the  greatest  pieces  of  legislation  proposed  in 
recent  years.  I  was  Chairman  of  the  Commit- 
tee to  which  that  Bill  was  referred.  We  re- 
ported it  favorably,  but  it  was  beaten  on  the 
floor  of  the  House."  Hisses  and  cries  of 
"  Shame."  "  You  know  the  man  to  whom  I 
refer.  He  is  the  Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback, 
Poquogg  County's  latest  contribution  to  the 
great  men  of  the  State  —  and  a  good  Republi- 
can!  "  Tremendous  applause.  "This  year 
he  is  to  run  for  the  Assembly,  and  a  vote  for 
him  means  a  vote  for  Reform  and  for  an  able, 
honest  man."  More  applause.  "  And  if  you 
will  send  me  to  the  Senate  I  will  do  all  in  my 
power  to  help  along  the  good  work."  Ap- 
plause and  cries  of,  "  We  will,  we  will." 

The  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd,  having  now  ex- 
hausted his  arguments  in  favor  of  his  Party, 
declared  himself  to  be  one  of  the  plain  people 
and  opposed  to  the  railroads  and  all  corpora- 
tions and  promised  to  fight  them  to  the  last 
ditch  in  their  attacks  upon  the  Public.  He  then 
congratulated  the  Republicans  present  upon 
their  leader,   Mr.   Scouten,  predicted  Republi- 


220     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

can  success  at  the  polls  in  November,  and 
finished  by  leading  the  crowd  in  giving  three 
mighty  cheers  for  Mr.  Whittleback. 

The  applause  was  so  loud  and  so  many  ad- 
mirers were  shouting  Mr.  Whittleback's  name 
and  demanding  a  speech  that  Mr.  Scouten 
could  not  make  a  speech  in  introducing  him,  so 
he  simply  escorted  him  to  the  front  of  the 
platform  and  left  him  to  face  the  crowd  alone. 

"  Great  men  are  modest,"  says  the  proverb. 
Mr.  Whittleback's  modesty  on  this  occasion 
took  the  form  of  extreme  nervousness.  There 
were  a  thousand  yelling,  cheering,  admiring 
men  and  women  before  him,  who  expected  great 
things  of  him  in  the  way  of  a  speech.  For- 
tunately, the  demonstration  kept  up  so  long  that 
when  it  had  subsided  Mr.  Whittleback  had  re- 
gained his  composure  sufficiently  to  begin  speak- 
ing. 

"  My  friends,"  he  exclaimed,  "  I  stand  for 
principles."  Applause.  "  A  great  many  peo- 
ple say  the  clothes  a  man  wears  show  what  kind 
of  a  man  he  is."  Cries  of,  "  That's  right." 
*'  It  may  be  right;  but  I  say  a  man's  principles 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      221 

show  what  he  Is  a  good  deal  more  than  his 
clothes   do."     Another   outburst   of   applause. 
"  But  because  I  represent  principles  isn't  to  say 
that    I     can't    represent    people."     Cries    of, 
"  That's  right."      "  It  doesn't  say  that  I  can't 
represent    you    people.      I    will    represent    you 
people."     Great  applause  and  cries  of,   "  We 
know  you   will."      "  You've   heard  me   spoken 
of,  perhaps,  as  a  politician.      I'm  not  a  politi- 
cian,   my    friends,    I'm    a    Reformer."      More 
applause.      "  The  way  I  size  up  some  of  these 
politicians  Is  this  way:     They're  In  the  Public's 
service  for  what  they  can  get  out  of  it.     A 
Reformer  Is  a  man  who  believes  he  ought  to 
be  as  honest  with  the  Public's  business  as  he  is 
with  his  own."     Tremendous  applause.     "  You 
usually   need   a   Reformer  wherever  there's   a 
politician."     Laughter  and  applause.     "  I  be- 
lieve public  office  is  a  contract  between  the  peo- 
ple and  the  men  they  elect;  and  whenever  any 
office  holders  do  not  serve  the  people,  the  peo- 
ple should  have  the  right  to  vote  them  out  of 
office  and  vote  them  out  at  once  at  a  special 
election    called   for    that    purpose.     But    they 


222      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

can't  do  that  now.  We  went  to  the  Capital 
last  spring  with  a  Bill  which  gave  the  people 
of  every  municipality  and  township  In  this  State 
the  right  to  do  this  very  thing.  That  BUI  was 
not  passed.  I  will  not  tell  you  why  It  was  not 
passed,  but  I  will  tell  you  who  was  against  It: 
Every  political  scalawag  who  Is  afraid  of  the 
people,  every  office  holder  who  Is  holding  pub- 
lic office  for  what  he  can  get  out  of  It.  When 
those  people  are  against  a  Bill,"  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  exclaimed,  "  It  shows  It's  a  pretty  good 
Bill."  Another  outburst  of  applause  by  the  au- 
dience, and  those  on  the  platform  nodded  their 
heads  to  one  another  and  remarked  they  hadn't 
thought  It  was  In  him.  "  If  employers  of 
labor  will  not  protect  their  workmen,"  con- 
tinued Mr.  Whittleback,  "  I  say  make  them  do 
it.  If  these  corporations  you  give  franchises 
to  don't  do  their  duty  and  serve  you,  I  say 
make  them  do  It,  or  take  their  franchises  away 
from  them.  We  don't  give  them  franchises  to 
pay  big  dividends  but  to  serve  us.  And  why 
shouldn't  you  have  a  right  to  terminate  your 
contract  with  any  office  holder  who  breaks  his 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      223 

contract  and  doesn't  do  his  duty  and  doesn't 
represent  you?"  Mr.  Whittleback  shouted, 
warming  up  to  his  subject.  "  Shouldn't  the 
people  have  that  right  in  a  free  country?" 

This  proved  to  be  a  happy  thrust.  Such  a 
demonstration  Mr.  Whittleback  had  never 
before  seen  in  all  his  life.  The  audience  jumped 
to  their  feet  and  shouted  and  waved  their  hands 
and  cried:  "  What's  the  matter  with  Whittle- 
back?"  and  answered:  "He's  all  right." 
Rival  admirers  vied  with  one  another  in  seeing 
who  could  shout  his  name  loudest.  Flags  and 
handkerchiefs  were  waved  and  men  threw  their 
hats  in  the  air  without  realizing  what  they  were 
doing.  Here  was  the  man  about  whom  they 
had  heard  so  much,  a  man  who  was  not  afraid 
to  fight  the  people's  cause;  here  he  was  before 
them  telling  them  what  he  believed  and  what 
he  had  tried  to  do.  He  was  right.  His  Bill 
was  a  good  one.  He  was  a  hero.  They  would 
hardly  let  him  finish  his  speech.  He  told  them 
to  keep  up  the  fight,  that  it  was  their  fight,  and 
that  every  honest  citizen  should  get  into  it.  He 
told  them  he  would  introduce  the  Bill  at  the 


224     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

next  session  if  they  would  send  him  to  the  As- 
sembly, and  then  they  began  another  demon- 
stration. Just  how  the  speech  ended  Mr. 
Whittleback  could  never  remember.  He  tried 
to  thank  them  for  their  generous  expressions 
of  approval,  but  no  one  heard  him.  It  was  the 
greatest  ovation  any  speaker  had  ever  before 
received  in  Poquogg  County. 

The  Public  having  been  sufficiently  informed 
of  what  was  being  done  for  its  benefit  by  its 
servants,  some  exhibitions  were  given  for  its 
amusement.  A  very  tall  man  with  a  very  large 
head  proceeded  to  walk  across  a  wire  suspended 
from  two  poles  at  an  unsafe  distance  from  the 
ground,  which  feat  having  been  accomplished, 
he  made  a  bed  upon  the  wire  and  went  to  sleep, 
and  upon  waking  and  acting  as  though  he  had 
slept  a  long,  long  time,  he  became  so  happy 
that  he  danced  a  jig  and  sang  a  comic  song. 
A  man  with  five  small  dogs  did  his  part  toward 
amusing  the  crowd  by  making  the  dogs  run  up 
a  ladder  and  drop  into  a  bag,  dance,  wrestle 
and  jump  over  sticks.     Then  a  little  man  piled 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      225 

chairs   upon   his   chin    and   suspended   weights 
from  it  and  balanced  brooms  upright  on  it. 

Mr.  Whittleback  was  deprived  of  the  pleas- 
ure of  watching  these  performances,  for  no 
sooner  was  the  speech  making  over  than  all 
those  who  had  been  introduced  to  him  and  many 
others  rushed  up  to  him,  shook  hands  with  him 
and  congratulated  him  upon  his  speech;  and 
the  newcomers  told  him  their  troubles  and 
what  good  Republicans  they  had  been,  that  they 
had  never  gotten  anything,  and  asked  him  to 
make  an  exception  in  their  case  and  put  them  in 
positions  where  they  would  get  good  salaries 
with  not  much  to  do. 

The  day  was  drawing  to  a  close.  It  would 
soon  be  time  for  the  balloon  ascension,  and 
Captain  Berwick  was  making  no  progress  with 
the  advertisement  of  his  invention.  There 
seemed  to  be  no  opportunity  to  secure  the  atten- 
tion of  the  crowd.  So  he  consulted  Mr.  Dusen- 
bury.  Mr.  Dusenbury  disappeared  suddenly 
and  returned  in  a  few  minutes  with  an  empty 
boi  which  he  placed  on  the  ground  and  ex- 


226     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

claimed:  "There,  Mr.  Berwick,  let's  get  on 
this."  Mr.  Dusenbury  and  the  Captain  as- 
cended the  box.  "  My  friends,"  Mr.  Dusen- 
bury shouted,  "  listen.  This  gentleman  beside 
me  is  my  friend  from  England;  a  scientist — " 

"  And  a  friend  of  the  Royal  Society," 
whispered  the  Captain. 

"  And  a  Friend  of  the  Royal  Society,"  Mr. 
Dusenbury  continued.  "  He's  got  something  to 
say  to  you.     Listen  a  minute." 

Cries  of,  '*  Listen  to  the  Englishman,"  came 
from  the  crowd,  and,  "  He's  a  Scientist,  ha, 
ha!" 

Captain  Berwick  then  proceeded  with  his 
speech.  Whether  because  of  nervousness  or 
weariness  he  spoke  in  such  low  tones  that  only 
those  standing  very  near  the  box  could  hear 
him.  An  obtrusive  youth,  who  smoked  a  very 
large  cigar  and  wore  his  hat  on  the  side  of  his 
head,  took  upon  himself  the  office  of  repeating 
the  speech  to  the  rest  of  the  crowd.  This  did 
not  at  all  tend  to  allay  the  Captain's  embar- 
rassment. 

"  His  name's  Berwick,"  said  the  Repeater. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      227 

"  Comes  from  England.  Heard  a  lot  about 
how  much  we  smoke.  Says  tobacco  poisons 
people  who  smoke  it.  Thought  he'd  invent 
something  to  put  on  cigars  and  pipes  to  keep 
the  poison  from  going  into  our  mouths." 
Laughter.  "  Draws  the  smoke  through  a 
screen  that  absorbs  the  poison.  A  kind 
of  smoke  strainer."  Ever}'body  wondered 
whether  the  Captain  was  in  earnest,  buf  finally 
concluded  he  was.  Increased  laughter  and  nod- 
ding of  heads.  "  There  it  is,"  continued  the 
Repeater,  as  the  Captain  held  up  what  looked 
like  a  cigar  holder  to  the  gaze  of  the  crowd, 
and  fastened  it  to  a  cigar,  "  the  Harmless 
Smoker.     Twenty-five  cents." 

"  Pass  it  around  and  let's  see  it,"  suggested 
the  Repeater.  With  this  request  the  Captain 
readily  complied.  "  No  fun  in  smoking  a  cigar 
with  a  thing  like  that  on  it,"  contemptuously 
declared  the  Repeater,  passing  it  on  among  the 
crowd.  "Twenty-five  cents  for  that?"  ex- 
claimed another  man.  "  I'll  bet  a  cigar  wouldn't 
draw  through  it  any  way."  "  Nothing  but  a 
common  cigar  holder,"  remarked  another,  judg- 


228      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

ing  from  the  outside  appearance  only,  and  not 
examining  the  Harmless  Smoker's  interior. 
"  He  might  have  been  better  set  to  work,"  was 
the  verdict  of  a  fourth,  and  so  on  until  it  reached 
a  tall,  swarthy  countryman  standing  at  the  edge 
of  the  crowd,  who  calmly  put  it  in  his  pocket 
and  started  off  with  it.  Captain  Berwick  im- 
mediately set  out  in  hot  pursuit,  but  was  much 
impeded  by  running  into  fat  women  and  stumb- 
ling over  children  and  running  against  men  who 
were  unsteady  on  their  legs,  and  was  in  fact 
stopped  short  several  times  by  challenges  to 
personal  combat,  so  that  he  was  at  last  com- 
pelled to  give  up  the  chase  and  return  to  Mr. 
Dusenbury.  As  the  matter  had  now  entered 
the  domain  of  the  law,  Mr.  Dusenbury  advised 
a  consultation  with  Mr.  Tubbmann.  They 
found  that  distinguished  member  of  the  Bar 
standing  on  the  front  steps  of  the  Grand  Stand. 

"  Pull  out  another  one  and  show  'em  that," 
said  Mr.  Tubbmann,  after  Mr.  Dusenbury  had 
stated  the  case, 

"  He  hasn't  got  another  one,"  replied  Mr. 
Dusenbury. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      229 

"  Came  all  the  way  over  from  England  and 
brought  only  one  with  him?  " 

Such  was  indeed  the  fact. 

"  Well,  go  back  and  get  another  one,  then. 
We  have  a  Fair  here  every  year." 

The  last  great  event  of  this  great  day  was  the 
balloon  ascension.  The  balloon  had  been  on 
exhibition  all  day  in  the  open  space  between  the 
tracks.  It  had  been  much  admired  by  the  crowd, 
but  when  the  man  in  charge  announced  that  the 
ascension  would  take  place,  no  one  volunteered 
to  accompany  him.  At  length,  Mr.  Dusenbury, 
who  had  read  somewhere  about  the  effect  of 
higher  altitudes  on  animal  life,  came  forward 
and  announced  that  he  would  volunteer.  Will- 
ing hands  helped  him  into  the  basket  and  all 
was  in  readiness  when  Mr.  Dusenbury  declared 
that  he  must  have  some  animal  to  take  up  with 
him,  for  he  was  going  up  in  the  interests  of 
Science  and  a  cat  or  a  dog  must  be  taken  along 
to  witness  the  effect  of  the  higher  altitude  upon 
it.  Captain  Berwick  suggested  a  cat  as  taking 
up  less  room  and  Mr.  Dusenbury  said  a  cat 


230     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

would  do.  After  some  delay  the  prize  cat  was 
brought  and  deposited  in  Mr.  Dusenbury's 
arms,  the  balloon's  fastenings  were  released 
and  it  shot  upward  amid  shouts  of  applause, 
Mr.  Dusenbury  holding  on  to  the  cat  with  one 
hand  and  to  the  basket  with  the  other. 

The  most  noticeable  effect  of  the  increased 
altitude  on  the  cat  was  to  cause  that  animal  to 
bite  and  scratch  with  great  vigor,  while  Mr. 
Dusenbury  held  on  with  the  tenacity  of  a 
martyr,  knowing  the  importance  of  the  experi- 
ment, but  before  the  balloon  had  ascended  fifty 
yards  the  cat  proved  too  much  for  him,  and  he 
was  fain  to  let  go  his  hold,  with  the  result  that 
the  cat  sprang  out  of  the  basket  and  came  down 
in  the  midst  of  the  crowd  below,  striking  upon 
the  head  of  Alderman  Satterley,  who  happened 
to  come  up  at  the  opportune  moment.  Being  in 
no  condition  to  comprehend  this  phenomenon, 
that  gentleman  spent  the  rest  of  the  day  in  trying 
to  find  out  what  it  was,  in  which  effort,  however, 
he  had  very  indifferent  success. 

*'  Better  stand  back,   gentlemen,"   remarked 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      331 

Mr.  Tubbmann,  "  he'll  be  coming  down  him- 
self next." 

As  this  seemed  not  at  all  improbable,  the 
crowd  made  haste  to  stand  back,  notwithstand- 
ing the  suggestion  of  the  Repeater  (who  had 
by  this  time  started  on  another  cigar)  that  they 
would  be  of  service  in  breaking  Mr.  Dusen- 
bury's  fall. 

It  soon  became  evident  that  there  was  some 
possibility  at  least  of  Mr.  Tubbmann's  prophecy 
being  fulfilled,  for  the  rope  that  held  the  bal- 
loon and  limited  the  height  of  its  ascent  gave 
way.  Great  excitement  prevailed.  Women 
screamed  and  declared  Mr.  Dusenbury  would 
be  killed  and  the  men  gravely  nodded  their 
heads  and  recalled  that  they  had  predicted 
something  of  the  sort  would  happen.  The  chil- 
dren laughed  and  clapped  their  hands,  for 
which  their  parents,  partly  for  their  correction 
and  partly  to  relieve  their  own  feelings,  soundly 
whipped  them.  In  the  height  of  the  excite- 
ment some  one  discovered  that  the  balloon  was 
descending.     Down   it  came,   and   the   farther 


232      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

down  It  came  the  higher  Mr,  Dusenbury's 
spirits  rose,  until,  when  objects  assumed  their 
accustomed  size,  he  began  to  wonder  whether 
the  cat's  actions  were  due  to  the  higher  altitude 
or  the  natural  timidity  of  its  race.  As  soon  as 
the  crowd  saw  Mr.  Dusenbury  was  safe,  they 
took  no  further  interest  in  him,  but  immediately 
began  to  make  preparations  for  going  home. 
They  followed  Mr.  Whittleback  and  his  com- 
panions to  the  entrance  gate,  loudly  demanded 
what  was  the  matter  with  him,  as  loudly  an- 
swered that  he  was  all  right,  gave  three  hearty 
cheers  for  him,  and  while  this  demonstration 
was  going  on,  the  horses  started,  the  hero  was 
borne  away  smiling  and  bowing,  and  "  Whittle- 
back  Day  "  was  over. 


CHAPTER  XXIV 

MR.  WHITTLEBACK  was  now  at  the 
pinnacle  of  his  fame.  Unlike  the  good 
knights  of  the  olden  time,  who,  after  they  had 
laid  siege  to  the  hearts  of  their  fair  ladies, 
found  their  labors  ended  when  the  fair  ones 
had  capitulated,  Mr.  Whittleback  discovered 
that  after  siege  had  been  laid  to  the  heart  of 
the  Public  and  the  Public  had  capitulated  his 
labors  had  only  begun.  His  time  was  now 
taken  up  with  listening  to  all  sorts  of  complaints 
from  all  sorts  of  people.  The  representatives 
of  several  women's  Societies,  who  took  upon 
themselves  the  duty  of  looking  after  the  Pub- 
lic's morals,  were  very  anxious  to  know  whether 
he  smoked  or  drank  anything  and  whether  he 
attended  church  regularly;  and  such  was  their 
persistency  that  Mr.  Whittleback  was  obliged 
to  attend  church  on  several  occasions  in  order 
to  appease  them.  Men  for  whom  the  Public 
had  never  done  anything  took  the  liberty  of  ask- 
233 


234      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY" 

ing  him  —  as  the  representative  of  the  Public 
—  to  help  them  with  a  little  money.  Men  who 
had  always  helped  the  Public  by  voting  the  Re- 
publican ticket  asked  him,  as  the  Public's  repre- 
sentative, to  reciprocate  and  give  them  passes 
on  the  railroad.  A  Reformer  surely  could  not 
refuse  to  help  the  cause  of  humanity.  Would 
he  kindly  contribute,  therefore,  to  the  Society 
for  the  Care  of  Worn-out  Peddlers,  to  the  As- 
sociation to  Promote  the  Revival  of  Literary 
Taste  in  Asia,  and  to  the  Society  for  the  Ex- 
termination of  Potato  Bugs? 

The  Public  now  adopted  a  unique  method  of 
honoring  its  distinguished  servant,  for  great 
numbers  of  fond  parents  began  to  name  their 
male  offspring  after  him,  and  to  such  an  extent 
was  this  carried,  that  as  hundreds  of  little  Na- 
thaniel Whittlebacks  appeared  in  all  parts  of 
the  country,  Mr.  Whittleback  began  to  believe 
that  even  If  his  work  as  a  Reformer  should  ever 
be  forgotten  —  may  the  Spirit  of  Liberty  save 
us  from  such  a  catastrophe !  —  his  name  and 
memory  would  still  be  preserved  to  posterity 
by  these  living  memorials. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     235 

The  Reform  Movement  was  making  rapid 
progress.     Mr.  Whittleback's  fight  to  restore 
representative  government  in  his  own  State  and 
his  new  ideal  of  pubHc  service  were  becoming 
known  throughout  America.     The  press  spread 
far  and  wide  the  news  of  a  new  light  that  had 
arisen  upon  the  political  horizon,  a  man  who, 
living  in  a  country  town  of  a  rural  county,  had 
pointed  out  a  way  by  which  the  people  could  win 
from  the  political  bosses  their  lost  power,  who 
believed    that    every    corporation    the    public 
created  existed,  not  to  pay  big  dividends,  but  to 
serve  the  people,  and  that  if  public  servants  did 
not  do  their  duty  they  should  be  voted  out  of 
office   at   once.     The   hardy   farmers   of  New 
England  read  with  burning  indignation  of  the 
tyranny  of  the  political  leaders  and  the  treason 
of  legislators.     The  new  ideals  of  public  serv- 
ice  spread   among  the   people  of  the   Middle 
States,  and  on  to  the  great  West,  whose  citizens 
were  to  have  such  a  conspicuous  pnrt  in  The  Sec- 
ond American  Conflict.     Men  who  had  found 
their  homes  upon  the  prairies  shut  their  doors 
against  the   cold  winds   that  blew   across   the 


236      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

plains,  and  surrounded  by  their  families,  took 
their  seats  before  the  blazing  fires  on  wintry 
nights  and  read  of  the  plan  to  free  the  People 
from  the  domination  of  the  Bosses.  Up  among 
the  lumber  camps  in  the  great  forests,  where 
the  papers  went  but  on  rare  occasions,  Mr. 
Whittleback's  portraits,  sometimes  much  dis- 
figured by  dirt  and  rough  usage,  were  eagerly 
scanned  by  hardy  lumbermen,  who  spelled  out 
the  articles  on  Reform  and  the  way  to  restore 
representative  government.  And  the  men  who 
lived  on  the  Pacific  coast,  descendants  of  the 
pioneers  of  early  days,  read  with  eagerness  of 
the  fight  a  man  in  the  East  had  made  against 
the  tyranny  of  the  political  bosses,  and  of  his 
new  creed  for  the  citizen,  and  longed  to  get  into 
the  fight  with  him. 

Thus  were  the  seeds  of  reform  sown  in 
honest  soil,  and  thus  did  the  new  political  ideals 
get  Into  the  minds  of  the  masses,  needing  only 
time  and  opportunity  to  be  translated  into  deeds. 


CHAPTER  XXV 

44I3OLITICAL    parties    are    business    or- 
A    ganizations.     Their    dividends    are    of- 
fices." 

The  speaker  was  Mr.  Scouten.  He  and  Mr. 
Whittleback  were  holding  a  private  audience  in 
the  Post  Office.  The  primaries  for  the  As- 
sembly Convention  were  to  be  held  in  a  week 
and  Mr.  Scouten  had  been  telling  his  distin- 
guished friend  how  necessary  it  was  that  none 
but  "  Organization  "  men  be  elected  as  dele- 
gates. As  there  was  considerable  expense  at- 
tached to  holding  the  primaries  and  the  succeed- 
ing convention,  and  as  Mr.  Whittleback  was  to 
be  nominated  at  that  convention  for  Member 
of  Assembly,  it  was  necessary,  according  to  the 
rules  of  The  Organization,  that  he  then  and 
there  pledge  his  contribution  for  the  fall  cam- 
paign. "  For  Politics,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  "  be- 
ing a  business  proposition,  a  man  should  not 
237 


238      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

expect  to  get  something  without  paying  for  It, 
any  more  than  he  would  In  any  other  business." 

"  Do  you  mean  that  I  must  promise  now  to 
contribute  to  the  expense  of  the  election  this 
fall?  "  Inquired  Mr.  Whittleback. 

"  That  has  been  the  rule  of  The  Organiza- 
tion In  this  county  for  many  years.  That 
pledge  must  be  made  before  the  primaries." 

"  Suppose  I  don't  promise?  " 

*'  You  won't  be  nominated." 

"  Suppose  I  promise  and  don't  pay?  " 

*'  Then  we'll  defeat  you." 

"  How  much  must  I  pledge?  " 

"  The  amount  the  candidate  for  Member  of 
Assembly  has  always  been  assessed  is  one  thou- 
sand dollars." 

"  Well  I'll  be  blessed !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback, In  bewilderment.  "  The  salary  Is  only 
fifteen  hundred  dollars." 

"  True,"  replied  Mr.  Scouten  with  compla- 
cency, "  but  don't  forget  what  I  said  a  moment 
ago:  Political  parties  are  business  organizations. 
You  won't  lose  anything.  Goodfellow  saw  you 
at  the  Capital,  didn't  he?  " 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      239 

"Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Whittleback,  "Good- 
fellow  told  me  the  corporations  and  the  rail- 
roads would  make  a  contribution  of  three 
thousand  dollars  to  my  campaign  fund.  I  told 
him  I  didn't  want  it  and  wouldn't  take  it." 

"  Well,  that  stumps  me !  "  exclaimed  Mr. 
Scouten,  who  was  never  so  thunderstruck  in  all 
his  political  experience. 

"  What  business  have  they  got  to  pay  me 
three  thousand  dollars?  "  interposed  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback. "  If  I  took  that  money  they  would 
expect  me  to  represent  them.  I'm  going  to  the 
Legislature  to  represent  the  people,  or  I'm  not 
going.  There  are  enough  legislators  at  the 
Capital  now  who  are  representing  everybody 
else  but  the  people." 

"  Yes,"  assented  Mr.  Scouten,  who  could  not 
fail  to  recognize  the  truth  of  this  remark,  "  but 
listen:  No  sooner  will  you  be  nominated  than 
the  people  will  be  after  you  for  money  and 
passes  and  positions,  and  when  you  get  to  the 
Capital  they'll  come  there  and  live  on  you  at 
your  hotel,  and  you'll  have  to  feed  'em  and 
treat  'em  and  take  'em  around.     Why,  it  costs 


240      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Whodd  a  couple  of  thousand  a  year  for  this 
sort  of  thing  alone.  Hasn't  he  got  to  get  it 
back?  The  people  expect  him  to  get  it  back 
and  they  don't  care  how.  It  will  cost  Whodd 
five  thousand  dollars  to  be  elected  to  the  Senate 
this  fall." 

"  Who  supplies  that  money?  " 

"  The  railroads  and  other  business  corpora- 
tions that  want  to  get  laws  passed." 

"And  who  gets  the  money?" 

"Well,"  laughed  Mr.  Scouten,  "The  Or- 
ganization gets  a  good  share.  We  aren't  run- 
ning Parties  for  our  health,  Mr.  Whittleback. 
Don't  forget  that  political  parties  are  business 
organizations.  At  election  time  we  pay  divi- 
dends to  the  preferred  stockholders." 

"And  is  this  true  all  over  the  country?" 
asked  Mr.  Whittleback  with  open-mouthed 
wonder. 

"  Yes." 

"  And  with  the  Democrats  as  well  as  the 
Republicans?  " 

"  Yes,  they  have  the  same  system." 

"  Where  do  the  people  come  in?  " 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      241 

"  The  people!  Half  of  'em  won't  vote  un- 
less they're  paid.  A  third  of  'em  won't  vote 
at  all.  They've  got  as  good  an  administration 
of  the  government  as  they  deserve.  There's 
no  reason  why  the  men  who  run  the  Public's 
affairs  and  submit  to  the  Public's  annoyance  and 
criticism  and  abuse  shouldn't  be  paid  for  it. 
What  have  you  got  out  of  public  life  so  far,  Mr. 
Whittleback?  Some  praise,  to  be  sure,  but  more 
criticism  and  annoyance.  It  has  cost  you  money 
and  taken  your  time.  The  people  would  for- 
get it  all  to-morrow;  but  The  Organization 
never  forgets.  We  take  care  of  our  own.  We 
don't  let  the  Public  be  unfair.  We  recompense. 
If  the  Public  defeats  our  candidate,  we  give 
him  an  appointive  office.  Take  my  advice, 
Mr.  Whittleback:  Never  forsake  The  Organi- 
zation for  the  people." 

"  What  I  can't  understand,"  Mr.  Whittleback 
interposed  with  earnestness,  "  is  why  the  people 
will  let  a  few  men  have  control  of  their  affairs." 

"  It's  because  they  don't  think.  As  long  as 
everything  goes  all  right  and  times  are  good, 
the  people  don't  stop  to  think  about  Politics 


242      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

and  how  we  get  our  money  or  why  we  can  afford 
to  spend  so  much  to  elect  our  candidates.  They 
don't  realize  they're  footing  all  the  bills." 

Here  was  Mr.  Whittleback,"  capable  and  hon- 
est, willing  and  anxious  to  serve  the  Public,  and 
yet  he  could  not  do  so  without  paying  a  group 
of  politicians  one  thousand  dollars  for  the 
privilege  of  being  nominated. 

Perhaps  Mr.  Scouten  divined  something  of 
what  was  in  his  mind,  for  he  went  to  a  govern- 
ment safe  standing  in  one  corner  of  the  room 
and  taking  out  a  large  book  handed  it  to  him. 

"  There,  Mr.  Whittleback,  look  at  that. 
Here's  one  thing  we  do.  Suppose  you  turn  to 
page  seventy-five;  what  do  you  find  there?  " 

"  A  long  list  of  names." 

"  Read  the  first  name  at  the  top  of  the  page." 

"  '  Soper,  Andrew.  Town  of  Marshall. 
Democrat  by  heredity.  Son  of  Big  Jim  Soper. 
Votes  as  paid.     Price  $3.'  " 

"  Suppose  you  come  over  to  the  B's,  Mr. 
Whittleback." 

"  '  Barnham,'  "  replied  Mr.  Whittleback, 
beginning  at  the  top  of  the  page,  "  '  William. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      243 

Gilead.  Employed  by  Railroad.  Republican. 
Votes  as  Railroad  tells  him.'  " 

"Now  take  the  L's,  Mr.  Whittleback, 
page  sixty." 

"  '  Leman,  Jake.  Farmer.  Town  of  Mut- 
ton Hollow.  Democrat  when  sober,  Republi- 
can when  drunk.  Looked  after  on  election  day 
by  Lieutenant  Sandbag.'  " 

"  Exactly,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  when  Mr. 
Whittleback  had  finished  with  Mr,  Leman. 
"  This  book  contains  the  names  of  every  voter 
in  Poquogg  County.  Talk  about  the  church 
having  an  organization  !  Why,  they  don't  com- 
pare with  us  for  organizing  and  finding  out 
things  and  keeping  in  touch  with  men,  for  we 
have  lieutenants  in  every  district,  and  the 
United  States  is  divided  into  thousands  of  dis- 
tricts, and  in  every  district  there  is  just  such  a 
book  as  this.  We  know  just  what  every  man's 
politics  is  and  what  his  price  is  and  everything 
about  how  to  reach  him.  We  get  voters  posi- 
tions, we  help  them  when  they  are  sick,  we 
clothe  their  families  if  necessary,  give  them 
oflices  and  honors,  and  in  return  they  vote  our 


344     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

ticket.  But  it  takes  money  to  do  all  that,  Mr. 
Whittleback." 

"  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  shouldn't  think  it  would, 
Mr.  Scouten." 

"  A  man  in  Politics,  Mr.  Whittleback,  has 
the  alternative  of  spending  money  or  getting 
out." 

Mr.  Whittleback's  personal  Inclination  was  to 
get  out  then  and  there,  but  his  desire  to  serve 
the  people  was  strong  within  him  still.  Al- 
though he  had  seen  something  of  political  life, 
that  which  Mr.  Scouten  had  just  said  was  a 
revelation  to  him.  Could  It  be  true?  Mr. 
Scouten  seemed  to  be  very  sure  about  it.  If  it 
were  true,  Mr.  Whittleback  felt  that  it  was 
wrong;  his  whole  nature  rebelled  against  such 
a  condition  in  a  free  country.  He  had  a  great 
longing  to  change  It  all,  to  free  the  Public  from 
the  domination  of  the  political  Bosses  and  to 
restore  to  the  people  that  representative  gov- 
ernment about  which  Mr.  Tubbmann  had 
spoken  so  eloquently  and  which  he  declared 
mankind  had  earned  by  long  years  of  suffering 
for  liberty.     He  would  go  on  if  It  cost  him  ten 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      245 

times  one  thousand  dollars,  for  he  could  do 
nothing  for  the  Public  by  stopping  now.  So  he 
pledged  the  one  thousand  dollars  to  the 
Poquogg  County  Republican  Organization, 
but  his  indignation  was  so  great  that  he  could 
not  refrain  from  saying: 

"  But  some  day,  Mr.  Scouten,  a  change  will 
come;  men  will  go  Into  public  life  with  the  hope 
only  of  serving  the  people;  their  service  to  the 
Public  will  be  their  only  title  to  fame;  those 
men  will  drive  the  corporation  agents  from 
Politics  and  their  lobbyists  from  the  Capitals, 
and  representative  government  will  be  re- 
stored! " 

"  Perhaps,"  laughed  Mr.  Scouten;  "  but  that 
Is  a  long  way  off,  Mr.  Whittleback,  and  we  are 
living  In  the  present." 


CHAPTER  XXVI 

A  MILE  or  so  from  Sky  View,  on  a  broad 
plateau  which  commanded  miles  and 
miles  of  the  surrounding  country,  stood  Fair- 
field Mansion  House.  It  was  one  of  many 
similar  mansions  which  had  been  erected  in  that 
fashionable  locality  where  men  of  great  wealth 
had  laid  out  large  tracts  of  land  in  great  estates, 
with  lakes  and  parks,  and,  emulating  the  barons 
of  feudal  times,  had  even  built  magnificent 
castles  upon  the  mountain  peaks.  The  owner 
of  the  Fairfield  Mansion  was  Dudley  Fairfield, 
a  young  man  of  eight  and  twenty,  who  was  one 
of  the  "  Class."  He  belonged  to  the  aristoc- 
racy. The  elder  Fairfield,  since  deceased,  had 
made  his  fortune  by  cornering  flour,  an  act, 
which,  although  it  resulted  in  great  distress  and 
starvation  among  thousands  of  poor  families, 
gave  him  and  his  family  a  foremost  place  in  the 
ranks  of  the  aristocratic  circle.  He  then  pur- 
chased a  tract  of  land  on  the  outskirts  of  Sky 
246 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      247 

View  and  devoted  his  last  years  to  laying  out 
his  estate.  To  him  belonged  the  distinction  of 
making  a  crusade  among  the  rich  to  establish 
the  custom  of  inscribing  the  amount  of  one's 
wealth  upon  his  tombstone.  In  this  crusade, 
however,  he  was  unsuccessful,  which  fact  he  did 
not  cease  to  lament  to  his  dying  day.  His  only 
child,  Dudley,  had  greatly  enraged  him  and 
shocked  the  aristocratic  circle  by  falling  in  love 
while  at  college  with  a  girl  of  rare  beauty  and 
much  intelligence,  but  who  gave  mortal  offence 
to  the  "  Class  "  by  belonging  to  a  family  in 
moderate  circumstances.  On  this  occasion, 
however,  Dudley  displayed  resolution  and  de- 
termination—  the  only  time  in  his  life  —  and 
married  the  girl  in  spite  of  all  opposition.  The 
dishonor  thus  brought  upon  his  family,  to- 
gether with  the  failure  of  his  crusade  in  the  mat- 
ter of  the  tombstones,  so  preyed  upon  the  elder 
Fairfield's  mind;  that  he  sank  into  an  early 
grave,  but  not  before  he  had  forgiven  Dudley 
and  appeased  Society  by  making  that  young 
gentleman's  inheritance  less  by  one-third  than 
it  would  have  been  had  he  obeyed  his  father. 


248      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Dudley  himself  evinced  little  liking  for  any 
society  but  that  of  dogs  and  horses,  but  he  was 
the  best  hunter  in  all  those  parts,  and  his  advice 
upon  all  matters  of  sport  was  much  in  demand. 
He  was  a  tall,  dark-complexioned  youth,  with  a 
haughty  air.  He  spoke  a  little  French  and  a 
little  German,  read  a  little  Italian,  and  had 
once  written  a  love  song  in  Latin.  He  was, 
however,  too  English  in  his  tastes  to  be  popu- 
lar, and  was  better  acquainted  with  English 
horses  and  English  sports  than  with  the  rise  of 
the  Republican  Party  or  the  causes  of  the  Civil 
War.  His  horses  had  short  tails,  and  he  drove 
through  the  country  in  a  great  tally-ho,  whose 
approach  was  heralded  by  the  blasts  from  an 
English  hunting  horn.  Of  course,  there  were 
no  titles  and  his  family  could  have  no  coat  of 
arms,  but  it  was  not  his  fault  that  he  was  born  in 
America;  so  he  managed  to  get  along  the  best 
he  could,  associating  only  with  his  own  Class, 
and  avoiding  the  "  common  people,"  for  whom 
he  had  little  sympathy  and  much  contempt. 

Upon    the    evening   when   our    readers    are 
privileged  to  meet  him  for  the  first  time  he  and 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      249 

Mrs.  Fairfield  were  sitting  in  the  library^  of  the 
Mansion  House.  Mr.  Fairfield  was  holding 
his  favorite  dog,  a  little  poodle,  while  Mrs. 
Fairfield  was  reading  from  "  English  Sports  in 
the  Eighteenth  Century."  The  famous  fox 
hunter,  Sir  Harry  Radcliffe,  had  just  left  his 
companions  in  the  rear  and  bade  fair  to  reach 
the  fox  in  a  short  time,  when  a  servant  entered 
and  announced  that  a  gentleman  was  below. 

Mr.  Fairfield  bade  the  servant  wait  until  Sir 
Harry  had  caught  the  fox,  and  when  that  feat 
was  accomplished  he  ordered  him  to  show  the 
gentleman  up. 

To  the  vigorous  barking  of  the  poodle  the 
Hon.  Henrick  Scouten  entered,  beaming  his 
blandest  smile  and  holding  out  his  hand  for  the 
hearty  handshake. 

"  Let  me  introduce  you  to  Mrs.  Fairfield," 
said  Mr.  Fairfield.  "  My  dear,  this  is  the  man 
who  knows  all  about  Politics." 

"  I  am  honored,"  said  Mr.  Scouten, 

*'  And  now  let  me  present  Mr.  Poofru,"  Mr. 
Fairfield  continued,  "  the  greatest  poodle  in  the 


250     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

United    States,    or    England    either.     Poofru, 
say  good  evening." 

"  Bow,  wow,"  said  Poofru,  with  two  haughty 
little  barks. 

"  Poofru,  you  must  show  the  gentleman 
your  tricks." 

So  saying,  Mr.  Fairfield  put  Poofru  upon  the 
floor  and  tried  to  Induce  him  to  show  the  tricks, 
the  first  of  which  was  to  jump  over  his  master's 
hand.  The  little  animal's  attention  was  too 
much  occupied  with  Mr.  Scouten,  however,  to 
perform  any  tricks. 

"You  wretch!"  exclaimed  his  master  ve- 
hemently, at  this  evidence  of  Insubordination. 
"  Why,  Scouten,  I  spent  a  whole  week  teaching 
him  to  do  that,  and  now  he  won't  do  it.  It's 
enough  to  drive  one  crazy." 

"  Bow,  wow,"  said  Poofru,  looking  at  Mr. 
Scouten  as  much  as  to  say:  "Who  are  you 
and  why  should  I  go  through  my  motions  for 
you?" 

Mr.  Scouten  patted  Poofru  on  the  head  and 
said:  "You  ought  to  be  a  good  doggie  and 
perform  for  your  distinguished  master." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     251 

"  Distinguished  master,"  thought  Mr.  Fair- 
field.    "  That  has  the  right  sound." 

Distinguished  master  thereupon  addressed 
Mr.  Scouten  as  follows:  "Well,  I  suppose 
you've  come  to  talk  about  something  else  than 
dogs?" 

"  Yes,  Mr.  Fairfield,  I  have,"  Mr.  Scouten 
replied.  "  Your  representative  informed  me 
you  want  to  go  to  the  Legislature.  That  is 
true,  I  suppose?  " 

"  Yes,  Mr.  Scouten,"  Interposed  Mrs.  Fair- 
field. "  Mr.  Fairfield  is  a  very  active  man  and 
like  all  active  men  with  active  brains  he  needs 
something  to  keep  him  employed.  He  thinks 
going  to  the  Legislature  would  help  to  occupy 
his  mind." 

"  You're  what  they  call  the  Boss  or  Leader, 
aren't  you?"   Mr.   Fairfield  inquired  lazily. 

"  I'm  one  of  the  servants  of  the  Public,  Mr. 
Fairfield.  You  know  we're  all  trying  to  serve 
the  Public." 

"What  do  you  think  of  that,  Poofru! 
Speak  to  the  gentleman." 

But  Poofru  remained  silent. 


252     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  Speak  to  the  gentleman,  I  tell  you,  Poofru. 
This  dog  will  drive  me  crazy.  He's  what  the 
French  call  a  little  devil.  Speak,  Poofru,  or 
I  shall  whip  you." 

Thus  bidden,  Poofru  gave  vent  to  a  savage 
little  "  Bow." 

"  If  you  do  want  to  go  to  the  Legislature, 
Mr.    Fairfield,"   said   Mr.   Scouten,    "  you   can 

go." 

"  Poofru,  do  you  hear  what  the  gentleman 
says?     He  says  we  can  go  to  the  Legislature." 

"  Bow,"  said  Poofru. 

"  But  isn't  it  dreadful,"  remarked  Mrs.  Fair- 
field, "  the  way  men  who  run  for  office  are 
talked  about  in  the  newspapers?  The  things 
the  papers  say  about  them  are  awful.  Don't 
you  think  so,  Mr.  Scouten?  " 

"  It's  a  regular  occurrence,  madam,"  replied 
Mr.  Scouten.  "  The  newspapers  do  it  with 
everybody.  No  matter  how  good  a  reputation 
a  man  has  before  he  runs  for  office,  he's  no 
sooner  nominated  than  the  papers  of  the  op- 
posite Party  begin  to  berate  him." 

"  Yes,"  exclaimed  Mr.  Fairfield,  shaking  his 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      253 

fists  vigorously;  "and  they'll  berate  a  man 
whether  he  goes  into  Politics  or  not.  Didn't  a 
little  wretch  of  a  reporter  call  here  one  day  to 
see  me  and  ask  for  an  interview  and  then  go 
away  and  publish  an  article  saying  I  was  a 
typical  rich  man's  son,  good  for  nothing  but 
racing  horses  and  hunting?  What  would  Sir 
Harry  have  said  to  fellows  like  him,  Poofru? 
He  would  have  said  just  what  I  say:  Go  to  the 
devil!" 

Having  consigned  the  newspaper  men  to  his 
Satanic  Majesty,  Mr.  Fairfield  patted  Poofru 
on  the  head  and  announced  that  he  was  the 
greatest  poodle  in  the  United  States  or  Eng- 
land. 

Mrs.  Fairfield  said  she  had  heard  there  was 
another  candidate  for  the  office  to  which  Mr. 
Fairfield  aspired. 

"Yes,  Scouten,"  said  Mr.  Fairfield; 
"  what's  his  name.  Back-whittle  or  Whittle- 
back?  We've  heard  nothing  but  this  man  for  a 
long  time.     Who  is  he,  anyway?  " 

"A  good  sort  of  a  man,  Mr.  Fairfield.  If 
you  are  ready  to  talk  business,  I  shall  have  to 


254     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

ask  that  we  talk  without  the  presence  of  a  third 
party." 

Being  anxious  to  get  back  to  Sir  Harry  and 
the  hounds  as  soon  as  possible,  Mr.  Fairfield, 
much  against  his  will,  asked  Mrs.  Fairfield  to 
retire.  Then  he  rang  for  a  servant  and  or- 
dered cigarettes  and  champagne  and  Invited 
Mr.  Scouten  to  join  him  In  attacking  them. 

"  As  I  was  saying  about  Mr.  Whittleback," 
said  Mr.  Scouten,  after  each  had  drunk  a  glass 
of  champagne  and  Mr.  Fairfield  had  lighted  a 
cigarette;  "he's  a  good  sort  of  man,  but  he's 
getting  a  lot  of  impractical  notions  in  his  head 
about  corporations  existing  to  serve  the  people 
and  men  being  in  Politics  to  serve  the  Public. 
A  man  like  that  isn't  useful  to  us.  We  give 
the  people  what  we  want  them  to  have.  We 
turn  down  those  we  want  to  turn  down  and  we 
put  up  those  we  want  to  put  up." 

"  What  do  you  think  of  that,  Poofru !  " 

"  There  is  one  observation  I  would  like  to 
make  before  we  proceed  further,"  Mr.  Scouten 
continued:  "  Business  Is  business." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      255 

"Ha!"  said  Mr.  Fairfield.  "So  I  have 
heard." 

"  You  want  to  go  to  the  Legislature?  " 

"  That  is  what  I  have  said,  and  if  I  haven't 
said  it  I  will  say  it  now.  Poofru,  we  want  to 
go  to  the  Legislature,  don't  we?" 

Poofru  answered  "  Yes  "  with  a  single  bark. 

"  There  is  but  one  more  question  for  me  to 
ask  and  for  you  to  answer:  "Are  you  willing 
to  pay  the  price?  " 

"Are  we  willing  to  pay  the  price,  Poofru? 
Ha,  ha !  Are  we  willing  to  pay  the  price. 
What  is  the  price?  " 

"  Five  thousand  dollars." 

"The  devil  it  is.     Five  thousand  dollars!  " 

Mr.  Scouten,  no  longer  the  pretended  servant 
of  the  Public,  but  the  political  boss,  selling  his 
power  for  gold  and  driving  the  best  bargain  he 
could,  sat  looking  intently  into  the  face  of  the 
young  aristocrat,  taking  an  inventory  of  his  at- 
tainments, thinking  what  a  figurehead  he  would 
be  in  the  Legislature,  and  smiled  cynically  as  he 
listened  to  his  nervous  exclamation : 


256      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  And  why  should  you  be  paid  five  thousand 
dollars?  Who  are  you  that  I  should  be  paying 
you  five  thousand  dollars!  If  I  want  to  go 
to  the  Legislature  I  won't  ask  you  if  I  can  go. 
To  the  devil  with  you  and  your  nomina- 
tion!" 

"  Fairfield!  "  ejaculated  Mr.  Scouten,  hastily 
rising  and  bringing  his  clenched  fist  down  upon 
the  table.  "  If  you  want  the  office  of  Assem- 
blyman from  this  District  you  can  get  it  in  but 
one  way  under  the  sun.  The  people  have  noth- 
ing to  say  about  the  nomination.  You've  noth- 
ing to  say  about  it.  I'm  the  one  and  the  only 
one  who  has  the  say  in  this  matter.  Who  am 
I?  I'm  the  leader  of  the  Republican  Organiza- 
tion in  Poquogg  County,  and  neither  you  nor 
any  other  man  can  go  to  the  Legislature  from 
this  county  without  coming  to  me !  " 

Poofru,  having  more  spirit  than  his  distin- 
guished master,  still  kept  up  the  demonstration 
he  had  begun  as  soon  as  Mr.  Scouten  rose  to  his 
feet,  whereupon  distinguished  master  patted 
him  on  the  head  and  said:  "  He  needn't  be  so 
mad   about   it,   need   he,    Poofru,   because   we 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     257 

don't  want  to  pay  him  so  much  money  to  go  to 
the  Legislature?  " 

But  the  payment  was  agreed  upon.  Mr. 
Fairfield  was  to  hand  Mr.  Scouten  t\vo  thou- 
sand, five  hundred  dollars  In  cash  within  a  week, 
and  the  remaining  two  thousand,  five  hundred 
dollars  was  to  be  paid  In  cash  after  the  con- 
vention had  nominated  Mr.  Fairfield  for  the 
Assembly. 

"  About  the  only  real  advantage  I  can  see  in 
going  to  the  Legislature,"  remarked  Mr.  Fair- 
field, after  these  details  had  been  arranged,  "  is 
that    a    man    gets    the    title    of    '  Honorable.' 
Such  a  nice  thing  to  have,  Scouten,  a  title :  '  The 
Hon.  Dudley  Fairfield  ';  they  go  well  together, 
Scouten,  very  well  Indeed." 
"  A  very  worthy  distinction." 
"  That's  one  thing  I   don't  like   about  this 
country,  the  fact  that  you  have  no  titles  here  as 
they  have  In  England.     By  the  way,  what  do 
I  get  for  this  money?  " 

"  You    get   elected   to   the   Assembly    from 
Poquogg  County." 

"Do  you  hear  that,  Poofni?     He  says  we 


258     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

get  elected  to  the  Assembly.  Ha,  ha !  An- 
other glass  of  champagne,  sir.  Drink  to  the 
Hon.  Dudley  Fairfield." 

"  You  will  have  to  announce  yourself  as  a 
candidate,"  observed  Mr.  Scouten. 

"  Yes,  but,  Scouten,  remember  I  don't  go 
around  talking  and  shaking  hands  with  these 
poor  devils  of  the  voters.     Do  we,  Poofru?" 

*'  Mr.  Fairfield,  I  fear  you  have  forgotten 
my  observation  that  business  is  business." 

"  He  seems  very  fond  of  that  observation, 
doesn't  he,  Poofru?" 

"  It  means  this:  If  you  want  a  thing  and  a 
man  who  knows  all  about  it  tells  you  what  you 
must  do  to  get  it,  you've  got  to  do  as  he  says. 
You  can't  be  elected  to  office  unless  you  get 
down  to  the  people  and  make  them  think  you 
are  one  of  them." 

"What  do  I  care  for  the  people?  But  if 
he  says  we've  got  to  do  it,  Poofru,  I  suppose 
we  have." 

"  Exactly,"  replied  Mr.  Scouten.  "  You're 
the  kind  of  man  The  Organization  wants." 

"  And  now  I  would  like  to  make  an  obscrva- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      259 

tion,"  Mr.  Fairfield  remarked:  "With  all 
your  talk  of  equality  in  this  country"  (it  was 
one  of  Mr.  Fairfield's  peculiarities  that  he  al- 
ways talked  as  if  he  were  an  alien),  "  it  doesn't 
seem  to  me  there  is  much  chance  for  a  poor 
man  in  Politics." 

"  No,"  agreed  Mr,  Scouten,  "  nor  in  any- 
thing else.  Money's  what  we're  running  on 
now-a-days  and  what  we're  running  for.  I 
wouldn't  say  this  to  every  one,  but  you  know  it's 
the.  truth." 

"  Ha,  ha,  Scouten,  you  bet  we  know  it's  the 
truth.     Have  another  glass." 

And  then  the  buyer  and  the  seller  of  the 
Public's  birthright  drank  their  champagne  in 
silence. 


CHAPTER  XXVII 

WE  have  come  to  a  chapter  of  our  history 
that  will  be  read  with  deep  concern  by 
all  those  who  love  justice  and  the  honor  of  our 
country.  As  we  begin  to  write  it,  would  that 
we  could  call  to  our  aid  some  of  the  Muses  to 
guide  our  pen.  But  as  a  contemporary  critic 
has  forever  banished  them  from  this  part  of 
the  world,  we  must  content  ourselves  with  the 
plain  English  of  our  fathers.  Pausing  here  a 
moment  —  for  our  task  is  nearly  finished  — 
we  would  shed  a  tear  over  the  sudden  ending 
of  the  public  career  of  the  distinguished  man 
whose  history  we  have  been  narrating,  and 
commend  him  to  the  everlasting  admiration  of 
his  fellow  Americans.  If  fair  damsels  and 
stately  matrons  weep  over  the  plight  of  some 
misguided  lover  before  he  is  set  down  happy 
and  at  peace  upon  the  last  page  of  the  book, 
should  not  we  weep  over  the  fall  of  this  great 
man,  whose   fortunes  we  have   followed  from 

260 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     261 

humble  beginnings  until  they  have  become  in- 
timately related  to  the  welfare  of  our  great 
country?  With  what  patience  did  he  bear  the 
criticisms  and  abuse  of  an  ignorant  Public  dur- 
ing the  early  days  of  his  public  activity  1  With 
what  modesty  did  he  receive  those  honors  a 
grateful  and  awakened  people  were  at  last 
proud  to  shower  upon  him  in  the  shape  of  their 
praise  and  approval!  Did  ever  knight  of  the 
olden  time  show  greater  courage  than  he  when 
he  demanded  of  the  legislators  at  the  Capital 
the  passage  of  the  "  Bill  to  Restore  Representa- 
tive Government"  to  the  people?  Did  ever 
the  Public  have  a  more  loyal  and  incorruptible 
champion  than  he  who  spurned  the  Hon, 
Stephen  Goodfellow's  offer  of  gold  for  a  be- 
trayal of  its  interests  to  the  interests  of  the 
corporations?  -Ah,  Mr.  Whittleback,  the  peo- 
ple with  whom  you  lived  appreciated  you,  but 
for  a  brief  season  only,  and  you  have  gone  the 
way  of  nearly  all  the  truly  great,  enjoying 
for  a  short  time  the  rewards  of  virtue  in  the 
smiles  of  the  Public's  favor,  and  then,  through 
no   fault  of  yours,  you  were  humiliated,   de- 


262     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

fcatcd,  and  forgotten  1  The  next  generation, 
learning  of  your  life  and  work  through  this 
poor  record,  may  perhaps  do  you  tardy  justice 
and  seek  to  right  its  predecessor's  wrong  by  put- 
ting you  in  the  Hall  of  Fame.  Inspired  by  this 
hope,  we  write  the  concluding  chapters  of  your 
history  and  leave  your  fate  as  a  Reformer  — 
and  ours  as  a  Historian  —  to  the  mercy  of  the 
reader. 

Another  month  had  passed.  The  primaries 
had  been  held.  Certain  free  and  independent 
American  citizens  —  who  were  not  averse  to 
obeying  the  orders  of  the  Poquogg  County  Re- 
publican Organization  —  had  been  elected  dele- 
gates to  hold  a  convention  at  the  County  Seat 
and  nominate  a  candidate  for  Member  of  As- 
sembly. So  to  Gilead  they  came,  together  with 
a  number  of  other  free  and  independent  citizens 
who  attended  as  spectators.  There  they  were 
at  the  old  familiar  hotel  with  its  old  familiar 
bar  and  the  old  bartender,  who  knew  just  how  to 
make  one  patriotic  and  enthusiastic  in  the  cause 
of  the  Republican  Party.     There  were  the  Re- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      263 

publicans  from  the  northern  end  of  the  count)', 
who  talked  through  their  noses  and  among 
whom  the  old  time  practice  of  fist  fighting  was 
still  preserved  In  all  Its  original  purity.  There 
were  the  wood  choppers,  who  chopped  wood  in 
the  winter  and  fished  and  talked  Politics  in  the 
summer,  and  who  were  in  their  element  wher- 
ever Politics  was  to  be  discussed  or  whiskey 
drunk.  There  were  the  farmers  with  their  long 
chin  whiskers  and  long  noses,  famous  for  their 
skill  at  horse  trading.  There  were  the  denizens 
of  the  town  of  Mutton  Hollow,  who  claimed  to 
be  the  only  pure  and  undefiled  Republicans  in 
the  country.  There  were  those  who  had  come 
to  make  speeches  and  those  who  had  come  to 
applaud  the  speakers;  there  were  those  who 
were  going  to  tell  stories  and  those  who  had 
come  to  laugh  at  the  stories  and  declare  the  sto- 
ries were  the  best  they  had  ever  heard,  although 
they  had  heard  them  scores  of  times  before. 
There  were  Mr.  Scouten's  lieutenants,  with  their 
pockets  full  of  The  Organization's  money  and 
with  orders  to  spend  It  for  whiskey  and  cigars. 
There  was  the  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd,  as  red- 


264     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

faced,  as  happy-go-lucky  and  as  jolly  as  ever, 
and  he  was  never  so  much  at  home  In  his  life. 
How  did  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd  find  himself? 
asked  the  good  Republicans  who  shook  hands 
with  him.  Never  better,  answered  the  Hon. 
Mr.  Whodd.  And  how  were  things  at  the 
Capital?  Things  at  the  Capital  were  O.  K., 
Mr.  Whodd  took  good  care  of  that.  Then 
they  all  went  Into  the  bar  room  and  had  a  drink 
at  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd's  expense,  for  in  the 
excitement  of  convention  and  election  time  Mr. 
Whodd's  last  total  abstinence  resolution  had 
gone  the  way  of  all  the  others.  Then  they  all 
came  out  again  and  met  more  good  Republi- 
cans and  told  more  stories  and  laughed  at  more 
jokes  and  smoked  more  cigars.  Then  Mr. 
Whodd  met  the  Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback, 
who  was  continually  beset  by  the  people  who 
wanted  favors;  and  Mr.  Whodd  gave  Mr. 
Whittleback  a  hearty  handshake  and  invited 
everybody  to  come  in  the  bar  room  again  and 
have  another  drink. 

It  soon  began  to  be  rumored  that  there  was 
a  rival  candidate  in  the  field  and  that  The  Or- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     265 

ganization  was  favoring  him.  Then  leaders 
of  election  districts  began  to  ask  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  if  he  was  sure  of  his  delegates,  and  how 
many  had  been  instructed  for  him,  which  in- 
formation Mr.  Whittleback  had  to  confess  his 
inability  to  give;  and  was  there  any  truth  in  the 
rumor  that  there  was  a  rival  candidate? 
Scores  of  obtrusive  men  who  were  not  dele- 
gates, but  only  spectators,  promised  to  stand  by 
him  to  the  very  last  ditch,  and  would  he  come 
into  the  bar  room  and  have  a  drink  with  them, 
for  which,  as  the  candidate,  he  was  always  left 
to  pay.  A  man  who  said  he  was  experienced 
in  arranging  political  demonstrations  offered 
for  a  certain  sum  to  get  up  a  Whittleback 
demonstration  in  the  convention,  which  should 
last  any  number  of  minutes  Mr.  Whittleback 
fixed,  the  longer  the  time  the  more  he  must  pay. 
Another  had  supreme  faith  in  the  efficacy  of 
dollar  bills,  and  if  Mr.  Whittleback  would  put 
a  hundred  dollars  into  his  hands  and  let  him 
distribute  them,  it  would  undoubtedly  turn  the 
tide  in  his  favor,  if  there  was  such  a  thing  that 
it  was  turning  against  him. 


266     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

Mr.  Whittleback  did  not  know  where  Mr. 
Scouten  was.  While  he  was  wondering  what 
had  become  of  that  gentleman,  a  lieutenant 
tapped  him  on  the  shoulder  and  announced  that 
The  Organization  wanted  to  see  him. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Whittleback,"  said  Mr.  Scouten, 
when  the  lieutenant  ushered  Mr.  Whittleback 
into  The  Organization's  room  on  the  second 
floor  of  the  hotel,  "  we  didn't  know  what  had 
become  of  you." 

Mr.  Harker,  Mr.  Windy  and  the  other 
members  of  The  Organization,  who  were  seated 
around  a  large  table,  expressed  their  pleasure 
at  seeing  him.  Mr.  Whittleback  noticed  that 
the  table  was  set  for  dinner,  but  that  the  in- 
dispensable decanter  was  at  one  end  of  it. 

*'  We  are  going  to  have  dinner  soon  and  we 
want  you  to  have  dinner  with  us,"  Mr. 
Scouten  continued.  "  We  have  been  complet- 
ing the  final  arrangements  for  the  Conven- 
tion." 

"  There's  a  rival  candidate  in  the  field,  Mr. 
Whittleback,"  remarked  Mr.  Harker;  "  a  Dud- 
ley  Fairfield    from   your   end  of   the   county. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      267 

You  haven't  made  any  deal  with  this  Fairfield, 
have  you?  " 

"  Deall  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  know  what  you 
mean  by  deal,"  replied  Mr.  Whittleback. 

Some  of  the  members  of  The  Organization 
laughed  in  spite  of  themselves,  but  Mr.  Barker 
preserved  a  very  solemn  air  and  continued: 
"  Well,  we  didn't  know,  Mr.  Whittleback,  hut 
that  you  might  have  made  a  deal  with  him, 
sold  out  to  him,  in  fact,  for  he  seems  to  be 
gaining  ground." 

"  But  you  being  an  Organization  man,  Whit- 
tleback," said  Mr.  Windy,  paying  a  visit  to  the 
decanter,  "  haven't  got  very  much  to  fear." 

Mr.  Whittleback  said  he  thought  not. 

"  We're  here  to  abide  by  the  wishes  of  the 
delegates,"  remarked  Mr.  Scouten  ominously, 
*'  like  honest  American  citizens." 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Harker,  while  the  members 
gravely  nodded  their  heads,  "  like  honest 
American  citizens." 

On  his  return  from  visiting  the  decanter  Mr. 
Windy  went  to  the  window  that  overlooked  the 
street  in  front  of  the  hotel  and  looked  down 


268     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

upon  the  throng  of  citizens  below.  Turning 
around  to  The  Organization  he  exclaimed: 
"  Whodd's  down  below  there  and  he's  been 
drinking  with  about  everybody  and  he's  going 
it  yet." 

*'  Sandbag,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  addressing 
the  lieutenant,  "  go  down  and  tell  Whodd  to 
come  up  here  at  once. —  He'll  be  drunk  before 
it's  time  to  open  the  Convention." 

The  lieutenant,  thus  bidden,  went  off  in  quest 
of  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd,  and  in  a  few  minutes 
ushered  that  distinguished  legislator  into  the 
presence  of  The  Organization. 

"  Whodd,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  "  dinner  will 
soon  be  ready  and  we  want  you  to  take  dinner 
with  us.     How  are  things  down  below?" 

"  All  right,"  replied  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd, 
whose  spirits  were  the  very  highest;  "  all  right, 
Scouten.  Come  on  down  all  of  you  and  have 
a  drink  on  me." 

"  Whodd,"  said  Mr.  Scouten,  without  ac- 
knowledging the  invitation,  "  we've  decided  to 
have  Harker  call  the  Convention  to  order  and 
name  you  as  Chairman." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      269 

"Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Whodd.  "Ha,  ha!" 
he  exclaimed,  catching  sight  of  the  decanter, 
"  you  don't  need  to  go  down  to  get  a  drink, 
you  have  It  right  by  you." 

Mr.  Windy  seemed  to  take  delight  In  mak- 
ing a  journey  from  his  seat  to  the  window  and 
looking  down  upon  the  citizens  outside  and  In- 
cidentally stopping  at  the  decanter  on  the  way, 
for  he  now  made  the  journey  again. 

"  Why  don't  you  go  down  there  and  talk  to 
those  people?  "  Inquired  the  Hon.  Mr.  Whodd 
as  Mr.  Windy  returned  to  his  seat. 

"  What  do  we  care  about  those  people  down 
there?"  replied  Mr.  Windy,  with  great  con- 
tempt. "  All  they're  good  for  Is  to  do  as 
they're  told." 

All  this  time  an  engine  had  been  snorting 
and  puffing  along  the  single  track  railroad  that 
connects  Gllead  with  the  Metropolis.  Attached 
to  it  was  a  private  car,  and  in  the  private  car 
was  the  Hon.  Wallace  Brandywine,  who  had 
spent  the  summer  In  Europe  and  had  returned 
home  in  time  to  attend  the  fall  conventions  of 


270     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

the  Republican  Party  throughout  the  State  and 
to  look  after  the  interests  of  his  corporation. 
In  due  time  the  aforesaid  engine  brought  the 
private  car  into  the  Gilead  station,  when  it 
gave  a  long  sharp  whistle  as  much  as  to  say: 
"  Take  notice,  you  Republican  politicians  and 
free  electors  who  are  holding  this  Convention, 
that  I  have  brought  the  Hon.  Wallace  Brandy- 
wine  all  the  way  to  Poquogg  County,  and  have 
brought  him  safely  and  quickly  too !  " 

The  free  electors  did  take  notice,  and  as 
soon  as  Mr.  Brandywine's  carriage  came  In 
sight  they  shouted  and  cheered  for  him,  and 
Mr.  Scouten  rushed  out  to  welcome  him  and 
conducted  him  to  The  Organization's  room. 

"  Ha,  ha,"  said  Mr.  Brandywine,  shaking 
hands  all  around,  "  you're  going  to  have  dinner 
up  here  by  yourselves  while  our  friends  the 
voters  eat  down  below.  Well,  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,"  he  continued,  after  the  dinner  had  com- 
menced, "  how  is  the  Reform  Movement  get- 
ting on?  " 

Mr.  Whittleback  replied  it  was  getting  on 
very  well. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      271 

"Glad  to  hear  it,"  said  Mr.  Brandywine; 
"  reform  is  something  that  is  always  needed." 

"  Mr.  Whittleback  has  a  rival  candidate  for 
Member  of  Assembly,"  remarked  Mr.  Scouten. 
"  A  young  fellow  by  the  name  of  Fairfield, 
Dudley  Fairfield.  Ever  hear  of  him,  Mr. 
Brandywine?  " 

"  Fairfield.  Son  of  the  late  Richard  Fair- 
field?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Why,  Scouten,  I  knew  Richard  Fairfield. 
tie's  the  man  who  made  a  fortune  one  winter 
by  cornering  all  the  flour.  A  mighty  clever 
stroke.  Young  Fairfield  ought  to  be  proud  of 
such  a  father." 

"How  long  ago  was  that?"  Mr.  Windy 
ventured  to  inquire. 

"That  I  don't  just  know,"  replied  Mr. 
Brandywine.  "  Anyway,  it  was  some  years  be- 
fore I  graduated  from  Harvard." 

His  graduation  from  Harvard  being  a  great 
event  in  Mr.  Brandywine's  life,  it  was  his  in- 
variable custom  to  fix  every  date  with  reference 
to  it. 


272     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"And  Whodd,  how  are  you?  "  he  inquired, 
turning  to  that  legislator,  who  was  vigorously 
engaged  with  the  soup.  "  They  tell  me  you're 
going  to  the  Senate." 

Mr.  Whodd,  who  looked  in  excellent  condi- 
tion for  going  to  bed,  replied  yes,  he  was,  with 
as  much  positiveness  as  though  he  had  already 
been  elected. 

"Well,  Fm  glad  you  are,  Whodd,"  Mr. 
Brandywine  continued.  "  You're  the  right 
man  in  the  right  place.  I  hope  you'll  make  as 
good  a  Senator  as  you  have  an  Assemblyman." 

Mr.  Whodd  said  he  hoped  he  would  and 
ventured  to  remark  that  the  soup  was  very 
good. 

"  Yes,  indeed,"  Mr.  Brandywine  agreed. 
"  It's  excellent.  I  must  tell  the  boys  at  the  Con- 
vention what  good  soup  I  had.  Where  do  you 
hold  the  Convention,  Scouten?" 

"  In  the  Court  House." 

"  In  my  old  county,"  Mr.  Brandywine  con- 
tinued in  a  reminiscent  vein,  "  they  hold  their 
conventions  under  the  trees  at  the  same  place 
where  I  was  nominated  for  the  Assembly,     I 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     273 

went  to  the  Assembly,  you  know,  the  year  1 
graduated  from  Harvard." 

"  And  you  made  some  great  speeches  that 
first  year,  Mr.  Brandywine,"  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Whodd  interposed.  "  They  say  at  the  Capi- 
tal that  in  those  speeches  that  year  you  hit 
the  railroads  the  hardest  they've  ever  been 
hit." 

"Ha,  ha!  Do  they  say  that,  Whodd? 
Well,  I  guess  they're  not  far  out  of  the  way. 
But  you  know  if  I  hadn't  hit  'em  hard,  Whodd, 
I  wouldn't  be  riding  around  in  private  cars 
to-day.     Ha,  ha  1  " 

While  their  leaders  were  thus  regaling  them- 
selves upstairs,  the  delegates  and  spectators 
were  engaged  in  a  fierce  struggle  down  below 
to  decide  which  should  first  enter  the  dining 
room.  The  dining  room  was  too  small  to  ad- 
mit the  entire  number  at  once  and  the  delegates 
claimed  the  right  to  eat  at  the  first  tables. 
This  claim  the  spectators  disputed.  The  door 
leading  to  the  dining  room  became  the  center 
of  a  conflict  almost  as  fierce  as  that  waged 


274      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

about  the  Standard  by  soldiers  in  ancient  times. 
The  proprietor  of  the  hotel,  fearing  that  se- 
rious damage  would  be  done  to  his  property, 
finally  proposed  a  compromise  that  would  al- 
low an  equal  number  of  delegates  and  spectators 
to  eat  at  the  same  time.  This  was  agreed  to 
and  the  dinner  was  eaten  without  further 
trouble.  The  roast  turkey  and  the  pumpkin 
pie  —  which  The  Organization  had  generously 
provided  —  were  very  powerful  agents  In 
arousing  enthusiasm  for  the  Republican  Party, 
and  after  dinner  all  formed  in  line  and  marched 
to  the  Court  House,  feeling  that  the  election 
was  as  good  as  carried  and  that  the  Democrats 
had  again  suffered  ignominious  defeat. 

"Will  the  Convention  come  to  order!" 
shouted  Mr.  Harker  from  the  platform. 

"  Gentlemen,"  he  continued,  "  the  County 
Committee  has  Instructed  me  to  present  the 
name  of  the  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd  for  Chair- 
man of  the  Convention." 

"Hip,  hip,  hurrah  for  Whodd!"  shouted 
the    delegates.     The   Hon.    Mr.   Whodd  was 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      275 

elected  Chairman  by  acclamation  and  duly  es- 
corted to  the  platform. 

"  Gentlemen,"  he  said,  when  the  applause 
had  subsided,  "it's  the  custom  for  the  Chair- 
man to  make  a  speech  on  assuming  the  chair; 
but  I'm  not  going  to  make  a  speech,  because  we 
have  with  us  to-day  that  world-famous  Repub- 
lican who  has  forgotten  more  about  speaking 
than  I  ever  knew  —  the  Hon.  Wallace  Brandy- 
wine."  Applause.  *'  But  we're  all  Republi- 
cans." Cries  of,  "  You  bet  we  are."  "  I'm 
proud,  gentlemen,  to  belong  to  the  Republican 
Party.  It's  the  Party  that's  got  all  the  money 
and  all  the  brains."  Laughter  and  applause, 
"  It's  the  Party  that  gets  there  on  election  day." 
More  applause.  "  We're  going  to  have  an- 
other election  this  fall,  gentlemen,  and  we've 
come  here  to-day  to  nominate  a  man  for  Mem- 
ber of  Assembly  from  this  District.  We're 
not  only  going  to  nominate  him,  but  we're 
going  to  elect  him !  "  Applause  and  cries  of, 
"  You  bet  we  are."  "  Gentlemen,"  the  Hon. 
Mr.  Whodd  continued,  laughing,  "  I'm  going 
to  stop  right  now  or  I'll  make  a  speech  after 


276      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

all."  Cries  of,  "  Go  on,"  "  You're  all  right, 
Whodd."  "  Thank  you,  gentlemen.  I  thank 
you,  too,  for  electing  me  your  Chairman,  and 
now  what  is  your  further  pleasure?" 

"  Mis-ter  Chair-man!  "  shouted  a  little  man 
in  the  rear  of  the  room,  jumping  to  his  feet 
and  swinging  his  arms,  "  Mis-ter  Chair-man." 

Laughter  and  cries  of,  "  The  Senator," 
"  The  Senator,"  "  Hear  the  Senator." 

The  little  man  who  was  nicknamed  "  The 
Senator "  had  a  little  peaked  head,  blinking 
eyes  and  a  big  wart  on  one  side  of  his  jaw.  In 
addition  to  his  whimsical  appearance  he  had  a 
piping  voice  which  gave  forth  only  very  short 
sentences  at  a  time. 

"I'm  a  citi-I-zen  —  Mis-ter  Chair-man!" 

*'  Of  course  you  are,"  laughingly  rejoined 
Mr.  Whodd. 

"  And  you  —  can't  dis-pute  it,"  continued 
"  The  Senator  "  shaking  his  fist. 

Laughter  and  cries  of,  "  Sit  down." 

"I  won't  —  sit  down.  I'm  a  cit-i-zen  — 
Mis-ter  Chair-man  —  and  a  delly-gate  —  and 
I'd  —  like     to     ask  —  Mis-ter     Chair-man  — 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      277 

a  qucs-tion  —  why  was  evcry-body  else  — give 
—  five  see-gars  and  I  —  was  only  give — 
one?" 

"  You're  out  of  order,  Senator!  "  replied  the 
Hon.  Mr.  Whodd.  '*  Sit  down."  And  there- 
upon "The  Senator"  was  unceremoniously 
pulled  down  and  soon  left  the  room  in  charge 
of  a  lieutenant  who  pretended  he  was  going  to 
get  "  The  Senator  "  his  other  four  cigars,  while 
"  The  Senator's  "  place  was  filled  by  an  alter- 
nate who  promised  to  keep  quiet. 

The  secretaries  having  been  chosen,  and  the 
chairman  and  secretaries  sworn  to  obey  the 
laws  and  uphold  the  Constitution  of  the  United 
States  and  the  Constitution  of  the  State,  and 
incidentally  to  perform  faithfully  their  duties 
as  officers  of  the  Convention,  the  Hon.  Mr, 
Whodd  stated  that  nominations  for  Member 
of  Assembly  were  in  order. 

By  this  time  everybody  knew  there  were  to 
be  two  candidates  presented  to  the  Convention, 
but  nobody  knew  which  candidate  The  Organi- 
zation favored,  everybody  taking  it  for 
granted,    however,   that   that  honorable   body 


278      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

favored  Mr.  Whittleback.  No  one  was  sur- 
prised, therefore,  when  Mr.  Harker  came  for- 
ward and  began  to  address  the  Convention. 
He  was  a  Republican,  he  declared,  and  had 
always  been  a  Republican.  Applause.  He 
had  no  use  for  Democrats  or  the  Democratic 
Party.  More  applause.  He  had  no  use  for 
anything  that  was  no  good  and  the  Demo- 
cratic Party  was  no  good.  Cries  of,  "  That's 
right."  Any  man  who  wanted  to  work  could 
get  work  and  good  pay.  No  starvation  wages 
such  as  they  got  in  Europe !  But  when  the 
Democrats  were  in  power  you  couldn't  get 
work  at  even  starvation  wages !  Laughter 
and  applause.  Therefore,  it  was  necessary 
to  make  a  vigorous  campaign  to  keep  the  Dem- 
ocratic Party  out  of  power  and  to  keep  the 
Republican  Party  in  power.  He  nominated  as 
candidate  for  Member  of  Assembly  a  man 
they  all  knew,  for  he  had  lately  made  himself 
known  to  every  one,  not  only  in  Poquogg 
County,  but  throughout  the  State.  He  placed 
in  nomination  the  Hon.  Nathaniel  Whittleback 
of  Sky  View. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      279 

A  great  demonstration  of  shouting  and 
cheering  followed  Mr.  Harker's  speech,  in  the 
midst  of  which  demonstration  the  giant  form 
of  the  Supervisor  of  the  Town  of  Mutton  Hol- 
low was  seen  making  its  way  to  the  platform. 
Everybody  knew  the  Supervisor.  His  nose 
was  so  large,  and  his  mouth,  chin  and  fore- 
head were  sunk  in  so  far  that  he  looked  as  if 
the  nose  had  given  them  all  a  great  fright  and 
they  were  trying  to  get  away  from  it.  The 
fact  that  his  tongue  had  very  ready  powers  of 
speech,  together  with  the  tendency  of  that  or- 
gan to  throw  its  discourses  into  poetry,  caused 
the  Supervisor  to  be  much  sought  after  at  Sun- 
day School  picnics  and  political  conventions, 
for,  being  a  man  who  would  always  do  as  he  was 
told,  he  could  always  be  trusted  to  speak. 

"  Free  and  independent  fellow  citizens,"  he 
began,  "  I  come  from  the  town  of  Mutton  Hol- 
low, the  town  of  the  finest  hoop  poles  in  the 
country,  and  of  the  great  mountains  o'er  whose 
peaks  each  day  the  morn  doth  stalk  in  nisset 
mantle  clad."  Laughter  and  applause.  "  Yes, 
my   friends,"    he   continued,   laughing   heartily 


280     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

himself,  "  I'm  from  the  Way-back-overs,  the 
men  who  are  as  free  as  the  wind  and  the  clouds 
and  as  solid  as  mountains  for  the  Republican 
Party."  Applause.  "  Why  am  I  a  Republi- 
can, gentlemen?  Because  it  was  the  Republi- 
can Party  that  placed  the  star  of  hope  above 
the  cradle  of  the  poor  man's  babe."  Tremen- 
dous applause,  and  the  delegates  from  the  town 
of  Mutton  Hollow  remarked  that  the  Super- 
visor was  at  his  best.  "  These  men  of  the 
mountains,  gentlemen,  have  heard  of  the  man 
who  has  been  placed  in  nomination.  Every 
wind  that  rustles  over  the  hillsides  brings  the 
story  of  his  triumphs."  Laughter,  in  which 
the  Supervisor  joined.  "  Every  brook  that 
babbles  down  the  mountains  says  amen  to  his 
principles."  Laughter  and  applause.  "  He 
is  the  incarnation  of  Republican  principles, 
gentlemen,  and  a  Republican  every  inch  of  him." 
More  applause.  "  Gentlemen,  the  Way-back- 
overs  from  the  town  of  Mutton  Hollow  told 
me  to  come  here  to-day  and  say  a  word  for 
Nat  Whittleback.  Everything  that's  good 
comes  from  the  Republican  Party,  but  he's  the 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      a8i 

best  yet."  Tremendous  applause.  "  On  be- 
half of  the  Republicans  from  the  town  of  Mut- 
ton Hollow  I  second  his  nomination." 

This  being  a  favorable  opportunity  for  the 
display  of  oratorical  ability,  several  other  lo- 
cal orators  seconded  Mr.  Whittleback's  nomi- 
nation and  praised  him  for  the  various  political 
virtues  he  was  supposed  to  possess.  Mr. 
Scouten  was  unusually  generous  in  the  number 
of  seconding  speeches  he  allowed  made  on  this 
occasion,  but  at  last  he  gave  the  word  and  the 
Hon.  Mr.  Whodd  declared  that  Mr.  Whittle- 
back  had  been  duly  nominated  and  asked  if 
there  was  another  nomination. 

"  Yes,  Mr.  Chairman,  there  is  another  nomi- 
nation," shouted  the  Hon.  Sam.  Puckey. 

"  Come  up  on  the  platform,  Puckey,"  sug- 
gested Mr.  Whodd. 

The  Hon.  Mr.  Puckey,  in  return  for  his 
loyalty  to  The  Organization,  had  been  sup- 
ported at  public  expense  all  his  life.  He  then 
held  the  office  of  Inspector  of  the  County  Jail, 
an  office  that  imposed  upon  him  no  work  ex- 
cept to  draw  his  salary.     He  was  an  Organi- 


282      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

zation  man,  he  declared,  as  he  faced  the  Con- 
vention from  the  platform.  He  had  stood  by 
the  Republican  Party  through  thick  and  thin. 
His  father  was  a  Republican  before  him.  He 
did  not  want  to  see  the  Republican  Party  lose 
a  single  Republican  member  in  the  Assembly. 
He  came  in  the  interests  of  the  laboring  man. 
The  labor  vote  was  not  to  be  slighted.  It 
might  not  be  known  to  all  the  delegates  that 
there  was  in  Poquogg  County  an  Association 
of  Working  Men,  a  branch  of  the  State  Work- 
ing Men's  Association.  It  might  not  be 
known,  also,  that  the  man  who  had  been  nomi- 
nated had  given  mortal  offense  to  that  Asso- 
ciation. How?  He  held  in  his  hand  an  af- 
fidavit of  a  reputable  Republican,  a  worker  in 
the  ranks.  That  affidavit  was  evidence  that 
this  man  Whittleback  said  publicly  on  one  oc- 
casion that  a  man  had  a  right  to  work  if  he 
wanted  to.  His  election  was  therefore  im- 
possible. By  that  statement  he  had  shown 
himself  opposed  to  the  fundamental  principle 
of  that  Association.  For  no  man  had  a  right 
to  work  except  upon  such  terms  as  the  Associa- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      283 

tion  said.  In  addition  to  tliat  the  said  Whittle- 
back  had  persistently  refused  to  grant  the  pe- 
tition of  the  working  men  of  his  town  for  a 
higher  rate  of  wages.  Working  men  would 
not  support  the  candidacy  of  such  a  man.  He 
would  nominate  a  man  who  had  given  offense 
to  no  one.  A  man  who  would  move  In  the 
halls  of  the  Legislature  with  the  grace  of  su- 
perior birth  and  higher  education.  He  nomi- 
nated for  Member  of  Assembly  from  Poquogg 
County  Dudley  Fairfield,  Esq. 

There  was  an  ominous  silence  when  the  Hon. 
Mr.  Puckey  had  finished.  A  lieutenant 
seconded  Mr.  Fairfield's  nomination  and  Mr. 
Whodd  declared  the  nominations  closed  and 
ordered  the  voting  to  begin. 

"Hurrah  for  Whittleback!  "  shouted  the 
delegates,  the  majority  of  whom  had  never 
heard  of  Mr.  Fairfield.  "  Three  cheers  for 
Nat  Whittleback."  There  were  cries  of: 
"What's  the  matter  with  Whittleback?"  and 
answers  of:  "  He's  all  right,"  until  it  seemed 
the  delegates  would  go  wild  with  applauding. 
Once   or  twice   the  lieutenants   endeavored   to 


284     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

arouse  some  enthusiasm  for  Mr.  Fairfield,  but 
their  cheers  were  unheard  in  the  din  of  ap- 
plause which  sounded  for  his  popular  rival. 

In  a  private  room  the  Hon.  Henrick  Scouten 
and  the  Hon.  Wallace  Brandywine  calmly 
smoked  their  cigars  and  through  a  small  win- 
dow looked  out  upon  the  Convention  while  this 
demonstration  was  in  progress.  At  length 
Mr.  Brandywine  turned  to  Mr.  Scouten  and 
observed  with  a  smile :  "  They  make  a  great 
deal  of  noise  for  people  who  haven't  anything 
to  say  about  it,  don't  they,  Scouten?  " 

"  Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Scouten.  "  Do  you 
want  me  to  show  you  what  obedient  delegates 
they  are,  how  good  they  are  to  do  as  they're 
told?  —  Sandbag,"  he  continued,  calling  a  lieu- 
tenant, "  pass  the  word  along  to  the  chairmen 
of  the  delegations  that  they're  to  vote  enough 
of  their  delegates  for  Fairfield  to  nominate 
him." 

"  Ha,  ha  1 "  laughed  Mr.  Brandywine. 
"  That's  the  way  you  do  it  here?  " 

"  Yes,  and  it  isn't  only  here,  but  it's  the 
same  all  over  the  country." 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      285 

Lieutenant  Sandbag  delivered  the  orders  of 
his  chief.  The  receipt  of  the  orders  had  a 
most  depressing  effect  upon  the  delegates. 
Then  Mr.  Whittleback  was  not  The  Organiza- 
tion's candidate  after  all.  What  a  pity.  He 
had  probably  offended  The  Organization. 
Then  why  had  The  Organization  permitted 
his  name  to  be  presented  to  the  Convention? 
To  throw  upon  the  delegates  the  responsibility 
of  defeating  him.  The  excuse  to  the  people 
would  be  the  trumped-up  story  of  his  antago- 
nizing the  working  men.  Who  was  Fairfield? 
One  of  the  aristocrats  of  Sky  View.  But  The 
Organization  wanted  him.  There  was  nothing 
to  do,  therefore,  but  to  vote  for  him,  for  to  be 
disloyal  to  The  Organization  was  to  be  dis- 
loyal to  the  Party  and  to  be  discredited  and  dis- 
graced. The  man  who  went  contrary  to  The 
Organization's  orders  could  never  get  an  of- 
fice, an  appointment,  a  pass  on  the  railroad,  or 
a  seat  on  a  delegation  for  the  rest  of  his  life. 
The  Organization  had  to  be  obeyed  at  all  costs, 
and  most  of  the  delegates  did  obey.  A  few, 
with  rare  heroism,  refused  to  vote  at  all  and 


286     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

were  marked  men  forever  after,  but  their  num- 
ber was  not  sufficiently  large  to  change  the  re- 
sult. There  was  no  more  enthusiasm.  As 
loyal  Republicans  they  voted  for  Mr.  Fair- 
field, but  they  would  not  cheer  for  him,  and  it 
was  to  a  silent  Convention  that  Mr.  Whodd 
announced  that  Dudley  Fairfield  had  received 
the  nomination  for  Member  of  Assembly. 

"Wonderful!"  exclaimed  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Brandywine,  laughing  and  shaking  Mr.  Scouten 
by  the  hand.  "  Scouten,  let  me  congratulate 
you  on  the  way  you  have  your  people  under 
control.     It  must  mean  something  to  you?  " 

"  It  means  five  thousand  dollars  in  this  case," 
thought  Mr.  Scouten. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Convention,"  said  the 
Hon.  John  L.  Whodd,  "  we  have  with  us  to- 
day the  greatest  orator  in  the  Republican 
Party.  When  he  was  a  Member  of  the  Assem- 
bly he  was  the  greatest  talker  in  the  Lower 
House.  When  he  is  at  a  dinner  he  makes  the 
best  speech  that  is  made.  And  when  he  is  in 
Europe  no.ne  of  those  fellows  over  there  can 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     287 

touch  a  feather  to  him."  Laughter.  "  Gen- 
tlemen, you  all  know  him.  He  has  come  a 
long  way  to  speak  to  us,  and  I  now  take  pleas- 
ure in  introducing  to  you  our  distinguished 
fellow  Republican,  the  Hon.  Wallace  Brandy- 
wine." 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Convention  and  fellow 
Republicans  of  Poquogg  County,"  began  the 
Hon.  Mr.  Brandywine,  when  the  applause  had 
subsided.  "  I  am  delighted  to  be  here  with 
you  to-day.  In  my  boyhood  I  became  ac- 
quainted with  some  of  your  noble  old  patriots, 
many  of  whom  went  to  the  war  to  fight  and 
die  for  their  country.  The  bones  of  many  of 
them  lie  on  Southern  battlefields.  Some  of 
them  lie  up  in  your  little  cemetery  yonder. 
Gentlemen,  I  want  to  tell  you  I  am  proud  of 
Poquogg  County  and  of  her  sons  and  daugh- 
ters." Great  applause.  "  My  friends,"  Mr. 
Brandywine  continued,  "  I  never  had  such  a 
good  time  in  my  life  as  I  have  had  to-day.  I 
have  eaten  at  the  best  hotels  in  our  country-,  I 
have  dined  at  every  restaurant  from  Paris  to 
the  Danube,  but  for  good,  wholesome,  healthy, 


288      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

appetizing  food,  without  any  indigestion  after- 
ward, I  never  have  eaten  anything  to  compare 
with  the  roast  turkey  and  the  pumpkin  pie  they 
gave  me  over  here  at  your  hotel  to-day." 
Laughter  and  applause.  "  I  am  proud  to  be 
a  Republican,"  Mr.  Brandywine  continued. 
"  I  cast  my  first  Republican  vote  the  year  I 
graduated  from  Harvard  and  I've  voted  the 
Republican  ticket  ever  since."  Great  applause. 
"  Ever  since  the  Republican  Party  was  organ- 
ized it  has  been  developing  our  country,  mak- 
ing it  greater  and  more  powerful,  and  the  only 
time  the  course  of  progress  has  ever  been  inter- 
rupted has  been  when  our  friends  the  Demo- 
crats have  got  in  and  run  the  country  in  the 
ground."  More  laughter.  "  And  this  fall 
we  come  before  the  people  of  this  State  and 
we  say:  Look  at  our  past  record,  see  what  we 
have  done;  here  is  what  we  will  do  if  you  will 
give  us  the  chance  for  another  two  years. 
And,  gentlemen,  I  know  the  people  of  this 
State  will  bury  our  friends  the  Democrats  under 
such  an  avalanche  of  votes  on  election  day  that 
it  will  take  them  all  the  rest  of  the  year  to 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     289 

find  their  way  out."  Tremendous  applause. 
The  delegates  jumped  to  their  feet,  waved  their 
hands,  and  shouted  until  they  were  hoarse. 

Having  now  warmed  up  his  audience,  Mr, 
Brandywine  proceeded  to  discuss  the  issues 
of  the  campaign  upon  which  they  were  enter- 
ing, from  which  discussion  he  came  to  the 
conclusion  that  the  position  the  Democratic 
Party  took  upon  the  issues  was  invariably 
wrong  and  the  position  the  Republican  Party 
took  was  invariably  right. 

"  Gentlemen,"  he  continued,  after  disposing 
of  the  issues,  "  we  are  going  to  nominate  and 
elect  as  Governor  a  man  who  has  been  a  Repub- 
lican from  his  youth,  whose  loyalty  to  the 
Party  has  never  been  questioned,  whose  serv- 
ices to  the  Party  have  been  many  and  valuable, 
and  who  has  the  distinction  of  having  shaken 
hands  with  more  people  than  any  other  man  in 
the  State.  I  refer  to  the  Hon.  Bartholomew 
K.  Squabb."  Great  applause.  "And  gentle- 
men, you  have  kept  up  the  standard  of  the 
Party  in  this  Convention  by  nominating  the 
son   of  my  old  personal   friend.     His   father, 


290      THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

gentlemen,  was  one  of  the  brightest  business 
men  in  this  country,  and  his  son  Dudley  Fair- 
field, gentlemen,  the  man  whom  you  have  nomi- 
nated to-day,  is  a  chip  off  the  old  block."  Ap- 
plause by  the  lieutenants.  "  And  gentlemen,  I 
want  to  tell  you  something  about  my  friend 
Whodd  here :  Ever  since  he  has  been  in  the 
Assembly  I  have  had  a  chance  to  come  in  con- 
tact with  him  and  to  watch  his  development  as 
a  legislator.  He  is  one  of  the  best  liked  men 
we  have  in  the  Legislature.  When  the 
Speaker  of  the  Assembly  was  looking  for  a 
man  to  be  Chairman  of  the  very  important 
Committee  on  Laws  and  Public  Morals,  he  ap- 
pointed the  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd,  your  rep- 
resentative, as  Chairman  of  that  Committee. 
Send  him  to  the  Senate.  He  is  one  of  the  ris- 
ing men  in  Politics  in  this  State."  Great  ap- 
plause. "  There  is  another  thing  about  the 
Republican  Party  in  Poquogg  County  that  I 
like,"  the  Hon.  Mr.  Brandywine  continued: 
"  You  can  always  be  relied  upon.  When  the 
State  Committee  looks  over  the  field  before  elec- 
tion to   see  where   the   doubtful   districts   are, 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      291 

Poquogg  County  is  always  put  down  in  the 
Sure  column !  "  Applause.  "  I  attribute  that, 
first,  to  your  own  patriotism  and  good  sense, 
and"  second,  to  the  faithfulness,  courage  and 
organizing  ability  of  your  distinguished  leader, 
the  Hon.  Henrick  Scouten.  He  has  put  Po- 
quogg County  in  the  Republican  column  and 
put  it  there  to  stay.  And  when  election  night 
comes  next  November  and  the  votes  are 
counted,  when  we  hear  of  the  big  majorities 
that  other  rural  counties  have  rolled  up  for  the 
Republican  Party,  we  will  hear,  then,  gentle- 
men, that  your  good  old  county  of  Poquogg 
has  led  the  way  with  double  her  usual  majority 
and  that  you  are  still  the  banner  Republican 
county  of  all  the  rural  counties  of  the  State." 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 

THE  campaign  was  on  in  the  State  and 
in  the  Nation. 
The  Republicans  were  the  hope  of  the  peo- 
ple: The  Democrats  were  the  hope  of  the 
people.  Everything  would  be  all  right  if  the 
Republicans  were  elected:  Everything  would 
be  all  wrong  if  the  Republicans  were  elected. 
The  people  knew  too  much  about  the  Demo- 
crats to  put  them  in  power:  The  people  knew 
too  much  about  the  Republicans  to  put  them  in 
power.  The  Republicans  were  the  friends  of 
the  working  men,  and  had  always  been  and 
would  always  be  the  friends  of  the  working 
men:  The  sole  purpose  of  the  Democrats  was 
to  uplift  the  working  man,  and  this  would  al- 
ways be  their  purpose.  The  country  would  be 
safe  in  the  hands  of  the  Republicans:  The 
country  would  be  safe  in  the  hands  of  the 
Democrats.  Did  the  people  want  to  have  the 
country  go  to  the  dogs?  Then  let  them  vote 
293 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     293 

for  the  Democrats.  Did  the  people  want  to 
have  prosperity  continue?  Then  let  them  vote 
for  the  Republicans.  Who  brought  good 
crops  and  high  prices?  The  Republicans. 
Who  brought  poor  crops  and  starvation  wages? 
The  Democrats, 

The  Republican  National  Committee  sent 
out  a  veritable  army  of  orators  and  spellbinders 
and  Congressmen  and  Senators  to  tell  the  peo- 
ple what  a  great  Party  the  Republican  Party 
was,  and  what  it  had  done,  and  what  it  would 
do,  and  what  a  poor  Party  the  Democratic 
Party  was,  and  how  It  would  run  the  country 
Into  the  ground.  The  Democratic  National 
Committee  sent  out  a  veritable  army  of  orators 
and  spellbinders  and  Congressmen  and  Senators 
to  tell  the  people  what  a  great  Party  the  Demo- 
cratic Party  was,  and  what  it  would  do,  and 
what  a  poor  Party  the  Republican  Party  w^as, 
and  that  it  had  never  done  anything  for  the 
Public,  but  had  taxed  the  Public  and  robbed  the 
Public. 

The  Republican  newspapers  published  whole 
pages  about  the  Democrats  and  their  extrava- 


294     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

gance  when  they  held  office.  The  Democratic 
newspapers  published  an  equal  number  of  pages 
about  the  Republicans  and  their  extravagance 
when  they  held  office. 

There  were  parades  and  torch  light  proces- 
sions, and  bands,  and  fireworks,  and  meetings 
in-doors  and  out-doors.  The  people  listened 
to  the  Republican  orators  and  laughed  at  their 
jokes  and  applauded  their  gibes  at  the  Demo- 
crats. The  people  listened  with  equal  eager- 
ness to  the  Democratic  orators  and  applauded 
when  they  made  fun  of  the  Republicans.  The 
Republicans  called  the  Democrats  rascals  and 
the  Democrats  called  the  Republicans  rascals. 
The  Republicans  promised  everything:  The 
Democrats  promised  everything.  The  Repub- 
licans went  to  the  records  to  prove  their  case 
against  the  Democrats  and  the  Democrats  went 
to  the  records  to  prove  their  case  against  the 
Republicans.  The  Democrats  predicted  suc- 
cess:    The  Republicans  predicted  success. 

The  rival  candidates  journeyed  about  the 
country  and  made  speeches  at  all  times  of  the 
day  and  night.     They  patted  children  on  the 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      295 

head  and  fondled  babies  and  praised  honest 
working  men  and  shook  hands  with  them  and 
said  it  gave  them  great  pleasure  to  meet  so 
many  honest  people,  and  if  the  honest  working 
men  and  all  good  citizens  would  kindly  remem- 
ber them  on  election  day  it  would  result  in  un- 
told benefit  to  the  Republic. 

In  Poquogg  County  the  would-be  Hon.  Dud- 
ley Fairfield  left  off  hunting  and  riding  and 
spent  whole  days  at  a  time,  much  against  his 
will,  shaking  hands  with  the  rabble,  and  telling 
the  rabble  he  was  delighted  to  see  them.  Mr. 
Scouten  praised  him  and  told  the  Public  what  a 
fine  young  man  he  was  and  the  Democrats 
laughed  at  him  and  told  the  Public  he  was  an 
aristocrat.  They  made  fun  of  his  horses  and 
his  dogs  and  ridiculed  his  English  tastes  and 
his  bungling  speeches.  The  rabble  solicited 
loans  from  him  and  told  him  to  refuse  if  he 
dared.  Everybody  seemed  to  have  the  idea 
that  the  grounds  about  Fairfield  Mansion  House 
were  public  property  because  their  owner  was 
running  for  ofl^ce.  In  short,  Mr.  Fairfield 
was  petitioned  and  interviewed  and  laughed  at 


396     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

and  criticised  so  much  that  long  before  the 
campaign  closed  he  was  more  disgusted  with 
the  Public  than  ever  and  was  heartily  sorry 
he  had  ever  had  anything  to  do  with  Politics  or 
political  honors. 

At  last  when  the  tumult  ceased  and  the  votes 
were  counted  it  was  found  that  the  Republicans 
had  been  victorious  in  the  Nation,  that  the 
Hon.  Bartholomew  K.  Squabb  had  been  elected 
Governor  of  the  State,  and  that  the  Hon. 
John  L.  Whodd  had  been  elected  Senator,  but 
that  the  would-be  Hon.  Dudley  Fairfield  had 
been  ignominiously  defeated  for  the  Assembly. 

So  closed  that  particular  chapter  of  The 
American  Comedy. 


CHAPTER  XXIX 

THIS  book  contains  the  story  of  a  man  who 
was  introduced  to  the  political  world  as 
a  Reformer.  Now  when  he  has  been  defeated 
and  is  disheartened,  we  turn,  as  he  turned,  to 
the  only  person  in  Sky  View  who  had  expressed 
real  sympathy  for  him  in  his  career  and  who 
seemed  to  understand.  Since  his  first  meeting 
with  the  school  principal  Mr,  Whittleback  had 
sought  opportunities  of  meeting  her  and  of 
knowing  her  better.  He  had  never  failed  to  find 
these  meetings  keenly  interesting  and  was  al- 
ways sorry  when  they  were  over.  Her  ready 
sympathy,  her  wide  knowledge  and  broad 
interests,  had  strongly  appealed  to  him.  She 
had  warned  him,  he  remembered,  against 
Mr.  Scouten.  He  had  laughed  at  the  time; 
now  he  regarded  her  warning  as  almost  a  proph- 
ecy. It  is  not  for  us  to  trace  the  progress  of 
Mr.  Whittleback's  feelings  for  this  young 
woman  who  had  come  so  suddenly  into  his  life. 
297 


298     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

His  interest  became  respect,  then  came  admira- 
tion, and  his  respect  and  admiration  ripened 
at  last  into  that  more  serious  feeling  which 
in  any  well  regulated  chronicle  can  have  but 
one  ending.  Such  happenings  are  foreign  to 
our  theme.  Miss  Alnor  herself  had  found  it 
convenient  to  remain  in  Sky  View  during  the 
summer  vacation  and  Mr.  Whittleback's  op- 
portunities of  meeting  her  had  not  become  less 
frequent  during  the  summer  months.  She  had 
been  more  amused  than  interested  in  the  be- 
ginning of  his  political  career  and  had  regarded 
it  as  one  of  those  community  contests  that  are  of 
no  importance.  But  after  knowing  him  better 
she  had  been  impressed  by  his  sincerity  and  hon- 
esty and  thenceforth  was  one  of  his  ardent  ad- 
mirers. She  early  saw  through  the  sham  of 
Mr.  Scouten's  pretended  friendship  and  sus- 
pected where  the  whole  thing  would  end,  but 
she  had  no  idea  that  before  the  end  came  Mr. 
Whittleback  would  become  a  national  figure 
and  would  impress  his  ideals  upon  the  whole 
nation.  Meanwhile,  she  thought  there  was  no 
harm  in  encouraging  by  her  sympathy  and  ad- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     299 

vice  a  man  who  was  engaged  in  so  noble  a 
cause.  Now  he  had  been  defeated  and  humili- 
ated and  needed  encouragement  more  than 
ever. 

The  monthly  pay  checks  for  the  last  month's 
salaries  were  overdue  and  Mr.  Whittleback  had 
not  been  heard  from.  It  was  with  no  small  de- 
gree of  satisfaction,  therefore,  that  Miss  Al- 
nor,  coming  from  the  Post  Office  one  afternoon 
a  few  days  after  election,  met  Mr.  Whittleback 
at  almost  the  identical  spot  she  had  first  met 
him  many  months  before.  Then  he  was  at  the 
beginning  of  his  career;  now  he  was  apparently 
at  the  end. 

"  Come  into  the  office,"  said  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,  "  I'm  behind  with  the  checks." 

"  We  thought  you  had  forgotten  us." 

"  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  hadn't,  to  tell  you  the 
truth,"  Mr.  Whittleback  confessed.  "  I  just 
finished  signing  them  this  morning,"  and  he 
handed  her  the  checks  of  her  assistant  teachers, 
as  well  as  her  own.  "  You  heard  about  the 
Convention?  " 


300     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

"  Yes,"  said  Miss  Alnor,  "  I  was  not  sur- 
prised." 

"Not  surprised!"  exclaimed  Mr.  Whittle- 
back.  *'  Why  weren't  you  surprised?  Every- 
body else  was." 

"  Because  I  knew  Scouten  would  sell  you  out 
or  would  sell  any  one  else  out  if  he  could  do  so 
to  advantage." 

"  You're  right;  you're  right,  Miss  Alnor,  al- 
though I'd  have  staked  my  life  on  him.  He's 
the  slickest  talker  you  ever  heard,  but  he's  a 
damned  scoundrel. —  Excuse  me,  I'm  accus- 
tomed to  talk  to  men." 

"  It's  all  right,  Mr.  Whittleback,  I  under- 
stand." 

"  You  seem  always  to  understand,"  said 
Mr.  Whittleback.  "  Is  it  because  you're  a 
school  teacher?  " 

"  It's  because  I'm  a  woman." 

"  They're  not  all  like  you.  They  don't  all 
understand.  But  I'm  disgusted  with  the  whole 
crowd  of  these  politicians  and  I'm  disgusted 
with  myself  more  than  with  any  of  them.  I'm 
a  failure  and  a  fool.'* 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     301 

"You  are  neither,  Mr.  Whittleback.  No 
man  ever  fails  who  does  his  best.  In  this 
matter  you  have  interested  me  more  than  I 
can  tell  you  because  to  my  mind  you  have  repre- 
sented and  typified  the  people.  You  knew  little 
of  political  conditions  when  you  began;  you 
have  learned  little  by  little  as  you  went  along 
and  the  more  you  learned  and  the  worse  you 
found  things  to  be  the  less  able  you  felt  to  cope 
with  them.  So  you  become  discouraged  and 
call  yourself  a  failure.  Isn't  it  something  to 
have  awakened  the  people  to  the  condition  of 
things?  The  people  will  get  their  government 
back,  Mr.  Whittleback," 

"  Then  they've  got  to  deport  such  fellows 
as  Scouten !  " 

"That's  funny,  Mr.  Whittleback;  you're 
humorous." 

"  I'll  be  blessed  if  I  see  anything  funny  about 
it.  There  I'd  spent  money  and  time  and 
everybody  supposed  I  was  to  be  nominated  for 
the  Assembly  and  then  at  the  last  minute  I  was 
turned  down.     It's  queer  I   should  be   telling 


302     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

you  about  it,  though,  but  you  seem  to  under- 
stand." 

"  I  do  understand,  Mr.  Whittleback.  It's  a 
woman's  privilege  to  understand  men.  That's 
how  we  help.  We  can't  always  tell  a  man  this, 
but  sometimes  one  gives  us  the  chance,  as  you 
have.  You're  calling  yourself  a  failure  be- 
cause you  haven't  overturned  In  a  few  months 
a  system  which  has  been  growing  up  for  twenty- 
five  years.  If  you  had  been  a  year  getting  sick 
you  wouldn't  expect  your  doctor  to  cure  you  in 
a  day,  would  you?" 

"That's  so;  no,  of  course  not." 

"  Certainly  you  wouldn't.  But  let  me  tell 
you,  you  have  made  your  fight  here  and  the 
whole  country  has  heard  about  it.  Strange 
how  little  things  sometimes  bring  big  results. 
But  it's  the  way  of  the  world,  Mr.  Whittleback. 
Did  you  ever  hear  of  the  spider  that  saved  a 
nation?     We  tell  it  to  the  children." 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Whittleback,  "tell  me 
about  it  sometime.     But  finish  up  with  me." 

"  You've    done    your    best,     haven't    you  ? 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     303 

You've  done  it  with  the  idea  of  helping  the  peo- 
ple?" 

"  Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Whittleback,  **  I'll  take 
my  oath  on  it." 

"  Then  you've  won,  in  my  opinion;  but  what 
does  my  opinion  amount  to?" 

"  It  amounts  to  a  whole  lot,"  said  Mr.  Whit- 
tleback earnestly,  "  and  it's  worth  all  it  has 
cost  to  hear  you  say  that.  But  I'm  done  with 
it.  Now  that  Fairfield's  beaten  some  of  them 
want  me  to  run  next  fall,  but  I'm  going  to  let 
'em  alone,  wouldn't  you?" 

"  Yes  and  no.  You  are  done  with  that  part  of 
Politics,  but  you  are  not  going  to  forget  that 
you're  a  citizen.  But  you  will  think  I  am 
preaching,  Mr.  Whittleback.  I  never  talked 
so  much  on  such  a  subject  in  my  life  before,  I 
assure  you." 

"  It's  blamed  good  preaching.  You  missed 
your  calling." 

Miss  Alnor  was  more  beautiful  than  ever  in 
her  enthusiasm,  Mr.  Whittleback  thought. 

"  Thank  you.     And  we  do  our  duty  as  citi- 


304     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

zens,"  she  continued,  "  when  we  assist  in 
teaching  the  people  through  the  children  to  be 
honest  and  virtuous  and  unselfish  and  to  under- 
stand that  the  only  real  democracy  is  a  govern- 
ment that  is  run  in  the  interests  of  the  majority 
—  the  majority  of  hands  and  mouths,  not  the 
majority  of  dollars;  that  the  success  of  a  de- 
mocracy depends  upon  the  honesty  and  virtue 
and  intelligence  of  the  individual  citizen;  that 
reforms  come  from  the  bottom  up,  from  the 
men  in  the  mills  and  in  the  factories,  on  the 
farms  and  in  the  shops,  as  a  result  of  their  hon- 
esty, virtue  and  intelligence.  The  people  must 
be  taught  to  appreciate  the  men  in  Politics  who 
are  honest  in  purpose  —  for  there  are  such 
men  in  Politics  —  and  to  follow  their  leader- 
ship and  to  give  them  moral  support  as  well 
as  votes.  And  men  like  you,  Mr.  Whittle- 
back,  can  do  as  much  in  private  life  with  their 
influence  and  money  as  they  can  in  public  life; 
some  men,  because  of  their  temperament  and 
character,  can  do  more.  I  think  you  are  one 
of  those  who  can  do  more." 

"  But  I  can't  do  it  alone,"  exclaimed  Mr. 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      305 

Whittlcback,  with  earnestness.  "  You've  laid 
out  the  program  and  it's  a  good  one,  but  it's  a 
program  for  two,  and  now  you've  got  to  do 
your  part.  What  do  you  say?  Will  you  do 
it?" 

"  I  say,"  replied  Miss  Alnor,  with  a  twinkle 
in  her  eye,  "  that  you're  very  blunt  and  very 
abrupt,  but  very  sensible  and  very  nice." 

"  I'll  be  blessed  if  Scouten  is  so  bad  after  all." 


CHAPTER  XXX 

VARIOUS  opinions  prevailed  as  to  why 
Mr.  Whittleback  had  not  received  the 
nomination  for  Member  of  Assembly.  Some 
declared  the  Hon.  Mr.  Brandywine  had  inter- 
vened at  the  last  minute  and  ordered  The  Or- 
ganization to  turn  him  down  because  he  was 
not  acceptable  to  the  corporations.  Others 
were  of  the  opinion  that  Mr.  Fairfield  had  cor- 
rupted the  delegates  by  the  generous  use  of 
legal  tender;  while  many  who  had  always  en- 
vied Mr.  Whittleback's  popularity  gravely 
shook  their  heads  and  declared  they  had  never 
thought  well  of  him  anyway  and  that  he  was 
defeated  "  because  he  could  not  come  up  to  the 
mark."  Mr.  Windy,  who,  because  of  his 
years  of  service  to  The  Organization,  was  sup- 
posed to  voice  the  sentiments  of  that  honorable 
body,  gravely  announced  that  Mr.  Whittle- 
back's defeat  was  an  evidence  of  The  Organi- 
zation's friendship  for  the  working  man. 
306 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY      307 

The  Public  generally,  however,  long  remained 
in  entire  ignorance  of  the  real  reason  for  the 
Convention's  action,  which  impels  us  to  the 
observation  that  our  opinions  regarding  many 
matters  of  our  political  history  would  undergo 
material  revision  if  we  only  knew  what  took 
place  behind  the  scenes. 

After  his  return  from  the  County  Fair  Mr. 
Dusenbury  set  out  upon  an  expedition  in  the  in- 
terests of  Science.  He  had  long  contemplated 
a  trip  to  England  for  the  purpose  of  making 
certain  observations  in  that  part  of  the  globe 
in  order  to  elucidate  further  his  Law  of  Mutual 
Attraction,  but  his  antipathy  to  traveling  alone 
had  caused  him  to  defer  the  journey.  The 
visit  of  Captain  Berwick  to  this  country  and 
the  desire  of  that  gentleman  to  return  home 
was  considered  by  Mr.  Dusenbury  an  auspicious 
omen.  For  some  time  the  Sky  View  Home 
Club  received  letters  from  him,  relating  his  ex- 
cursions in  England,  but  all  communication 
from  him  suddenly  ceased  and  he  was  never 
heard  from  afterward.  The  most  diligent  in- 
quiries addressed  to  the  several  American  con- 


3o8     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

suls  in  that  country  failed  to  elicit  any  informa- 
tion as  to  his  fate;  and  it  was  long  a  disputed 
question  in  Sky  View  as  to  what  had  befallen 
this  worthy  man.  The  women  of  the  village, 
however,  who  had  always  entertained  a  pro- 
found respect  for  him,  concluded  that  he  met 
his  death  in  pursuit  of  scientific  information, 
and  that  he  died,  as  he  had  lived,  a  martyr  to 
Science. 

The  Hon.  John  L.  Whodd,  after  serving  his 
time  in  the  Senate,  was  rewarded  by  the  State 
Organization  with  the  important  office  of  State 
Commissioner  of  Excise.  In  that  position  he 
gave  great  satisfaction  to  the  saloon  keepers, 
and  would  have  been  nominated  for  Lieutenant 
Governor  had  he  not  died  as  the  result  of 
drinking  too  much  at  a  grand  banquet  given  at 
the  Capital  by  The  National  Brewers'  Associa- 
tion to  celebrate  the  defeat  of  the  Bill  which 
gave  the  people  the  right  to  say  by  their  votes 
whether  or  not  liquor  should  be  longer  sold 
in  the  State. 

And  now  we  must  bid  farewell  to  Mr.  Whit- 


THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY     309 

tleback,  for  he  belongs  to  another.  A  short 
time  after  a  certain  never-to-be-forgotten  con- 
versation the  School  Board  of  Sky  View  re- 
ceived the  resignation  of  its  principal,  and  be- 
fore the  school  term  was  ended  she  and  Mr. 
Whittleback  were  married;  indeed,  to  be  exact, 
the  happy  event  occurred  upon  the  anniversary 
of  that  public  meeting  at  which  the  groom  had 
received  his  first  signal  ovation  and  had  been 
hailed  as  the  village's  most  distinguished  citi- 
zen. In  this  light  he  is  still  regarded  by  his 
fellow  townsmen,  and  if  you  visit  Sky  View  to- 
day you  have  but  to  mention  his  name  to  have 
recounted  to  you  a  long  list  of  his  virtues. 
And  here  we  leave  him  in  the  bosom  of  his 
family, —  for  there  is  a  real  little  Nat  Whit- 
tleback by  this  time, —  but  we  do  not  leave  him 
with  a  feeling  that  his  work  proved  a  failure; 
for  although  his  name  seldom  appears  in  the 
daily  press,  which  was  once  so  fond  of  discus- 
sing him,  many  men  have  risen  to  fame  and 
won  the  Public's  approval  by  putting  into  prac- 
tice his  ideals  and  by  advocating  that  very 
principle  of  popular  government  for  which  he 


310     THE  AMERICAN  COMEDY 

stood,  but  which  it  was  permitted  to  him  only 
to  early  call  to  the  attention  of  the  people. 
Because  of  his  work — and  theirs  —  upon  the 
old  America  dominated  by  Privilege  and  Party 
there  is  rising  the  New  America  of  Equality 
and  Equal  Justice;  an  America  where  Right 
shall  count  for  more  than  Might,  where  Man- 
hood shall  count  for  more  than  Money,  where 
service  to  the  Public  shall  count  for  more  than 
service  to  a  Party;  and  when  these  things  shall 
have  come  to  pass,  we  shall  begin  a  new  era 
in  the  history  of  the  Republic. 


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